[1007] in Humor
HUMOR (Classic): Shooting Yourself in the Foot
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Aug 10 14:48:29 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 14:44:07 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
This one is from *way* back...
-Drew
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 18:35:06 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
...
HOW TO TELL WHICH PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE YOU'RE USING
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to
have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This guide
is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in
such dilemmas.
C
You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since
you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes,
then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this
language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER.
on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK
whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....
BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.
APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to
do it in fewer characters.
Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you.
Answer the result.
Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory,
the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure
out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it
that you won't care.
Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program
figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining
how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back
deep-fried.
Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load
the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When
you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first
reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
