[4788] in Depressing_Thoughts
generic stuff
???@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (???@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Sat May 6 03:01:48 1995
Surrounded by smiles at arms' length
I want to know what I am
Sometimes I feel so depressed, then I feel so shallow for feeling depressed,
then I feel depressed because I'm so shallow about it... then I start to
feel like I'm deep because I don't like being shallow. It's all so pointless
to worry about any of it.
I wonder if maybe the best thing for the Universe would be for me to just
get out of this town, stop annoying people everywhere. At least I know that
the world won't fall apart if I go somewhere else... Things will continue,
and there'll be one less... whatever I am.
Or has everything just been bad luck? Do I care? Someone once told me I was
the only nice guy she knew. I just wish it were true enough that I could
be flattered...
No, I am flattered. It just feels empty, to realize... that there's no
reward in sight ever for any of this, and I need to follow my rules just for
their own sake. So tonight I broke a couple rules, got nowhere, and realized
it's not the rules that make me unsuccessful...
I'm unsuccessful in general. The rules give me an excuse for it. Following
the rules makes it acceptible to lose over and over again because it's because
I was following my principals at the time, and if I have to break my own rules
to get it, I don't want it. Or so I seem to have convinced myself. So the
rules save me from some depression, they don't cause it...
I guess that's good...
