[4065] in Depressing_Thoughts
Re: lack of character
dcctdw@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (dcctdw@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Tue Oct 19 13:26:26 1993
i happen to know that, when i am pushed too far, i can striek very well
with words. there have been a few instances in my distant past where i
have lashed out with words, with the intent to hurt, and i have struck
well.
this is not something i am particularly proud of. in fact, it is somehing
i keep a tight rein on. this is why i get worried when i get overly
sarcastic, because from that point, the path to hell is a short one.
greater fool i, for not realizing that one day, i would do the expedient
thing and strike very deeply with but a few careless words.
blackness i feel, yet despairing i am not. despair will not repair what
has been done. despair will not change me such that this never occurs
again. but still blackness, and a sense of evil, i feel for the
consequences of my actions.
these are not the actions of a friend
these are not the actions of a person
whose morals and ethics have risen above
the pettiness of mundane reality
sadness is not for i to feel
rage is not for i to feel
for these are the feelings of those
who i have wronged
guilt will not repair what has been wrought
shame will not help those who are hurt
noble promises to do better will not
heal the wounded
such is the nature of destruction
when those destroyed are immaterial
those key elements of life
like trust, like friendship
forgiveness is not for me to ask
forgiveness is not for me to expect
yet forgiveness is all i can strive for
as i try to rebuild the shattered trust
