[2867] in Depressing_Thoughts
what do I do? (was: balance)
ckclark@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (ckclark@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Wed Apr 1 22:39:27 1992
>what do you do when you're suicidially depressed for a week, but you know
>there's nothing anyone can do about it, and you're very thankful that you
>have a naturally high resistance to suicidal thoughts, because otherwise,
>you might be dead?
I generally try not to let anyone know, because it drives some people
crazy if they find out, and they generally wind up blaming me for their
problems afterward. I take long walks in dangerous areas at night, just
for the sense of excitement...just to *feel* something in hope that the
incentive to live might come back. I try to read something, so that I
can momentarily get into someone else's mind, rather than my own.
>what do you do when you really honestly try and work on a problem set while
>dealing with the above, and totally fail to get anywhere?
If you honestly even start a problem set while in that state, you're
doing better than I usually did. Not that I can really comment on that
any more. Sometimes I feel I'd kill to have a problem set to do.
>what do you do when you realize that in order to get said problem set done,
>you'll have to stay up for two nights running, staring at stuff that you
>can grasp but not comprehend?
I rarely had problems comprehending stuff on problem sets, which is too
bad, because it means that most of them were just busy work. However,
if you will note my answer to the previous question, you'll see how even
that can get to be big problem.
>what do you do when your life is a total roller coaster because of mental
>insecurities (am i too stupid for this damn 6.001 stuff?) or
>emotional/psychological insecurities (am i good person? why is andrea
>often upset at me? why am i so inept at almost everything i try?) or
>because of stupid reasons, like seasonal depression?
Roller coaster? Never been on one (a literal roller coaster, that is.)
Hang on and try not to vomit on people near me, I would guess. Am I a
good person? No. Not by my standards, at least. Sometimes people will
say I am good. I laugh. Not observant, you fools. You'd have to watch
more closely. I don't want you, too, though, and I like to get my way.
How do I feel when someone I care about a lot is upset at me? Ouch.
There's so much I could say about that. It's been some time since
that's been likely to occur in my case. There are some advantages to
that, and some disadvantages, too.
>what do you do when you're tired of overloading your friends with your
>problems (as this posting becomes a stunning example of what i'm talking
>about), not to mention the few specific friends you dump at, who you know
>are even busier than you are, who are more stressed than you are, and are
>dealing with a bunch of other fruitcakes like myself who can't seem to get
>their miserable lives on the damn road?
Hmm. let's see. Last time I was in that situation I alienated myself
from the friend(s) involved, hoping to protect them from me. Looking
back, I think that was a mistake, since I'm sure I was misinterpreted,
and I'm positive someone got hurt. Very bad.
>what do you do when it seems that everyone else not only deals, but deals
>well with everything that plagues you? like getting problem sets done;
>like doing well in classes; like being someone that people like (as opposed
>to a large number of my contemporaries); like having control over your
>goddamn hormones?
I get depressed. Being someone people like? I know some people "people
like." I don't like them. It's not jealously. Hormones? I used to
have that problem once. Now I'm afraid of women. Problem solved. NOT!
Oh, and, as far as I can tell, no god damns hormones. People do. Same
thing for some, I guess.
>what the hell do you do when you're the above person? what do you do if
>you don't want other people to worry; when you don't want to turn into the
>Group Fruitcake; the one who everyone looks after, because not only do you
>feel you don't need it, but you also don't want it?
Being a fruitcake in most groups I know of would not exactly put me in
a unique position, so I guess I would be afraid of being the *worst*
fruitcake. I don't like to be looked after. Not one bit.
>what the hell do you do when people say Happy Birthday! and you feel like
>running away, because you've never felt comfortable with that tradition?
>and when you also feel funny when people do that, because you've never had
>any particular ties to associate that celebration to?
Oh, whenever someone says that, I get a great opportunity to try out my
best "fuck you" smile. You can't show your anger at the situation,
because there is always the possibility that the person saying it to you
is sincere. Sometimes you know they are sincere, but that doesn't
change anything. There are some people I allow to give me birthday
presents, but not many. One time, for some reason that escapes me now
(probably basic stupidity), I tried to get people to remember my
birthday, giving hints and all that, but they forgot anyway. I didn't
take it personally.
>what the hell do you do when you know that there's absolutely zip that
>anyone can do to help me? or when you know that most of your friends are
>dealing with shit that's a lot more heinous; often a few orders of
>magnitude greater?
What do I do when no one can help me? I don't ask for help. I always
thought that was bloody obvious, but some people prefer to disagree,
suspecting that they are in a better position to decide whether or not
they can help me, even though I am about nine billion times more
familiar with the situation than they are, for the simple reason that
it's my problem, and not theirs. What arrogance!
>sigh. some things go well. i've been trying to stay cheery by thinking
>about those (see the various txns in ping).
I should come up with something to put in ping.
>i'm sorry for whining; i'm not convinced anyone particularly wants to hear
>it again for the nth time again, but i'm tired of internalizing it all and
>occassionally releasing it by writing bad poetry.
Hey, don't knock bad poetry. Good poetry helps, too. Not that I can
write it, but I can at least read it. I like Shelley.
