[2852] in Depressing_Thoughts
balance
dcctdw@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (dcctdw@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Tue Mar 31 01:38:53 1992
where's the balance between getting things off your mind, and annoying the
hell out of people because you keep complaining about the same (and often)
trivial things?
what do you do when you're suicidially depressed for a week, but you know
there's nothing anyone can do about it, and you're very thankful that you
have a naturally high resistance to suicidal thoughts, because otherwise,
you might be dead?
what do you do when you really honestly try and work on a problem set while
dealing with the above, and totally fail to get anywhere?
what do you do when you realize that in order to get said problem set done,
you'll have to stay up for two nights running, staring at stuff that you
can grasp but not comprehend?
what do you do when your life is a total roller coaster because of mental
insecurities (am i too stupid for this damn 6.001 stuff?) or
emotional/psychological insecurities (am i good person? why is andrea
often upset at me? why am i so inept at almost everything i try?) or
because of stupid reasons, like seasonal depression?
what do you do when you're tired of overloading your friends with your
problems (as this posting becomes a stunning example of what i'm talking
about), not to mention the few specific friends you dump at, who you know
are even busier than you are, who are more stressed than you are, and are
dealing with a bunch of other fruitcakes like myself who can't seem to get
their miserable lives on the damn road?
what do you do when it seems that everyone else not only deals, but deals
well with everything that plagues you? like getting problem sets done;
like doing well in classes; like being someone that people like (as opposed
to a large number of my contemporaries); like having control over your
goddamn hormones?
what the hell do you do when you're the above person? what do you do if
you don't want other people to worry; when you don't want to turn into the
Group Fruitcake; the one who everyone looks after, because not only do you
feel you don't need it, but you also don't want it?
what the hell do you do when people say Happy Birthday! and you feel like
running away, because you've never felt comfortable with that tradition?
and when you also feel funny when people do that, because you've never had
any particular ties to associate that celebration to?
what the hell do you do when you know that there's absolutely zip that
anyone can do to help me? or when you know that most of your friends are
dealing with shit that's a lot more heinous; often a few orders of
magnitude greater?
sigh. some things go well. i've been trying to stay cheery by thinking
about those (see the various txns in ping).
i'm sorry for whining; i'm not convinced anyone particularly wants to hear
it again for the nth time again, but i'm tired of internalizing it all and
occassionally releasing it by writing bad poetry.
