[159] in Depressing_Thoughts
generalizations
aaron@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (aaron@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Fri Aug 5 16:31:52 1988
I think one thing that is wrong with this discussion is that everyone
in it but me has met and interrogated every single man and woman on the
face of the planet. "Men feel that..." "Women think that..." If you
mean "I," then say "I." If you mean "An ex-girlfriend of my roommate,"
at least don't way "Women."
There may or may not be some statistical truth to some generalizations
about what men and women feel and think, but I don't think anybody in this
discussion knows all the answers, or that there are generalizations that hold
in all cases. Perhaps the point is that in order to have a relationship
of a certain type with a person, you have to agree with that person as to
what that relationship is. Have you ever said to a friend "Oh, by the say,
we're still friends, grade 3, subspecificity 14, right?"? I think not.
The terms "friend," "girlfriend," "boyfriend," "SO," etc. are about as
nebulous as terms can get. If you don't like a particular term, don't use
it. I personally use "SO" as an abbreviation for "boyfriend or girlfriend
whichever is appropriate in this context," because noone reading this
would know what I meant by "bogwiaitc," although I suppose I could start
using it if there's a demand. :-) I don't think anyone means for its
etymology to be taken literally. As it turns out, the terms "boyfriend"
and "girlfriend" aren't without their drawbacks. A "girl" to me is
a female of below highschool age, and while I don't object to being
friends with such a female, that's not what I'm looking for in a bogwiaitc.
Let's stick to the issue, whatever it is, and not worry too much about
what every person in or referenced in the discussion means by every word
we use, "girlfriend," "So," "single," or whatever. (Personally, I think
that kids and cats is a good combination, but that's neither here nor
there.)
In any relationship, there is no perfect word to describe the situation.
Fortunately, the only time anyone tries to describe the situation is in
discussions like this. Well, maybe not the only time, but what seems
to really happen in relationships, as far as I've seen, is that they
evolve, and it becomes apparent to both parties involved what each of
his or her parts is. Unfortunately, they sometimes get different ideas
as to what those parts are. That's not, however, a problem with what
"friend" means. It's a problem with the much more complex and not well
understood method of communication that really happens.
And as for whether men do or don't have close friendships with women or
men or both or neither, or what women do in similar situations, if
you've got some real evidence, let's hear it, and then we can discuss
a real case. But I've got counterexamples for every generalization on
this topic that you care to generate.
