[1014] in Depressing_Thoughts
Above All
amgreene@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (amgreene@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Wed Mar 21 22:07:38 1990
``Above all,'' wrote the Bard, ``to thine own self be true.'' Few
would dissent from his advice. But I am torn between two ideals of my
self; these two identities are antithetical, yet each claims my
allegiance.
First, there is the cautious identity. He takes no chances and places
honor and ethics above all else. In the Alaska itemization, he took
the name of ``Andrew.'' He is shy and afraid of the consequences of
every decision he makes.
Then, there is the hopeful identity. He is eager to take chances and
ignores potential catastrophe. In the Alaska itemization, he took the
name of ``Rhu.'' Honor and ethics are good things, but things which
do not affect other people are not subject to the code.
And so my Floristan and Eusebeus do battle for my conscience and my
courage. Am I being true to myself by not succumbing to the perverse
desire to attend the Bad Taste concert, or am I being false to myself
by not attending something which everyone else seems to enjoy? Am I
being true to myself by not being more enterprising in looking for a
girlfriend, or am I being false to myself by letting a skewed ethic
prevent me from a normal and acceptable pursuit?
Somewhere between Rhu and Andrew, between Floristan and Eusebeus, lies
a persona who takes risks and is content with his moral decisions.
Right now, the terrified, paralyzed, fossilized, but ethically correct
Andrew is in control. But the Rhu that is inside is screaming and
kicking and looking for a way to break through the shell which encases
him.
If he succeeds, it will be the death of Andrew. If he fails, it will
be the death of Rhu.
This time, there is no placid ocean and alien sun. This time, there
is no amicable settlement. This time, there is no dialogue.
This time, there can only be one self to whom truth and allegiance are
owed.
