[89664] in tlhIngan-Hol
Re: chIjwI' tIQ bom: 'ay' vagh
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Robyn Stewart)
Tue Sep 13 14:10:02 2011
Date: Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:55:11 -0700
To: tlhingan-hol@kli.org
From: Robyn Stewart <robyn@flyingstart.ca>
In-Reply-To: <BAY166-W59BDBAB48184DEDBC8700AAA050@phx.gbl>
Errors-to: tlhingan-hol-bounce@kli.org
Reply-to: tlhingan-hol@kli.org
At 07:49 13/09/2011, you wrote:
>This is Part V: in which the dead crew arise
>to sail the ship onwards under a strange power, and the Mariner realises his
>penance is not yet complete.
No spoilers!
Usual [ ] { } thing from me, with the usual ratio of relevance to
silliness. Don't have my dictionary with me, so may be a couple of
[?s] because of that.
>'o QongtaHghach! HoSghajwI'maj
O Sleep, our powerful one, [sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care]
{ha! love the recasting from gentle to powerful.}
>'ej Hoch qo' Sep bang SoH!
You are beloved of all the world's regions!
>qeylIS HoSghaj'e' naDlu'jaj!
God's blessings be upon you!
{Right, this religion is about the be'pu'. Maybe I'll remember next time}
>QI'tu'vo' ghoSbejta' qa'Daj
Surely his spirit has come from heaven.
>'ej jIH muQongchoHmoH.
And will make me go to sleep [And made me? And makes me? I thought
for sure this was going in a "I wish I could sleep" direction, so I'm
kinda confused. Maybe "..your spirit will have gone to heaven ..."]
{Just my own expectations confusing me, I guess. This happens a lot
when I read in non-native language. The extreme is that I can pick up
a book in a language I know nothing of and imagine the whole story}
>qaStaHvIS poH nI', choQ ravDaq
>ratlhpu'bogh bIQ ngaSwI'
>tebchu'pu' choS bIQ 'e' vInaj;
For a long time I dreamed [okay, he did go to sleep] that dew filled
up the cisterns [bottles, canteens, whatever] that remained on the deck.
{And I used the poH nI' to modify the whole thing. S'okay, didn't
make a big difference}
>SISqu' jIvemchoHDI'.
When I woke up it was pouring rain.
>yIQqu' wuSwIj, bIrqu' HughwIj,
My lips were wet, my throat was cold.
>'ej SutwIj Hap HaHlu';
And the folds of my clothes sodden
>tlhutlh porghwIj, 'ej jInajtaHvIS
My body drank, and while I dreamed
>jItlhutlhchoHqu'bejpu'.
I came to drink my fill.
>jIvIHchoHDI', jI'ughbe'qu',
As I moved, I was so light
>Dachlaw' ghIvDu'wIj Sar;
I seemed to be missing various limbs
>jIQongtaHvIS jIHegh 'ej qa' vImoj tlhoS 'e' vIHar.
While I slept I almost believed I died and became a spirit
>'ej tugh jachqu'bogh SuS vIQoy:
And soon I heard the howling winds
>DujDaq cholbe'choHpu';
They had veered away from the ship.
>'ach SuSvetlh wabmo' QomchoHpu' langbogh vo'wI' Qopqu'.
But the thin, worn out [Hmm, are these thin as in narrow or thin as
in light? Is lang better than tIS?] sails started to tremble from the
sound of that wind
>pay' yInchoHqu' maH Dung muD'e'!
Suddenly the air above us came fully to life.
>boch wa'vatlh joqwI' tuj;
A hundred warm banners shone. [eh?]
>naDevvo' moD bIH 'ej pa' moD!
They hurried from here to there!
>'ej Dat joqwI'mey jojDaq QoD
And they manoeuvred as do engines everywhere between the banners
>'ej mI' je Hovmey puj.
And the dim stars danced too.
>chuSchoH chollI'bogh SuS net 'Ij,
One could hear the howl of the approaching wind.
>joqbogh jIb rur joqwI';
The banner/sail waved like hair. [oooh, was the sail shredded and
that's the many banners?]
>'ej DujDaq SISqu' wa' 'eng qIj;
And one black cloud rained on the ship.
>maS'e' 'eng HeH veghlI'.
The moon going through the edge of the cloud. [Do they even have
poets on planets without moons? Why have I never read poetry about
the moon landing? How did terran poets feel about the moon landing?]
>qIjbogh 'eng jeDDaq chenchoH Qargh,
A fissure formed in the thick black cloud
>'ej 'eng tlhejtaH maS'e';
With the moon accompanying it.
>'engvo' pumchoH chal 'ul'a' qu',
Fierce sheets of lightning fell from the cloud.
>qoj jenvo' pumbogh bIQ rurchu',
like a waterfall
{okay, sometimes the English sounds so much like Klingon that when
you translate it, I don't believe you}
>pumDI' HeDaj choHbe'.
It made no course corrections as it fell.
>DujDaq cholbe'choHpu' SuS'a',
The great wind veered away from the ship [seems to be a contradiction, Qov]
{nope, just freaky supernatural stuff}
>'ach DaH lengqa'taH Duj!
And now the ship resumed its journey!
>chal 'ul bIngDaq, maS bIngDaq je
Under the lightning and the moon
>jatchoH beq lommey nuj.
The crew's corpses' mouths began to mumble
>jatchoH, vIHchoH, QamchoH je Hoch,
They mumbled and twitched, and all stood up too.
>vIHbe' mInDu', tam chaH;
quiet, with motionless eyes.
>Hu'DI' Heghpu'bogh loDvetlh, Huj;
It was strange when those dead mean got up. [no shit, Sherlock]
>jInajchugh je HujtaH.
It was even strange for a dream. [Not a very close translation, but
that's what I'm getting from it]
{yay! Well done. That's where your words took me. Makes up for the
boring waterfall translation.}
>lurgh cher DeghwI', 'ej lengtaH Duj,
The helmsman set a course [don't you just cheer when the right word
exists?] and the ship sailed on
>'ach SuS'e', not qaSqu';
But there was never any wind.
>yaH motlhDaq Duj tlhegh raQchoH 'ej
They took up the ships lines at the usual stations.
{I thought you weren't allowed to call the ropes on ships ropes}
>Qu' motlhvaD vum beqpu';
The crew worked at their usual tasks.
>janmey rurqu'bogh ghIvchaj pep -
>beqpu' ghommaj Hajlu'.
Our ghoulish crew lifted mechanoid limbs
>jIH retlhDaq QamtaH tey'loDwI',
Beside me stood my nephew
{HA HA HA! tey'loDna' ghaH.}
>mavumtaHvIS pa' ratlh;
He stayed there while we worked.
>ngIq tlhegh wIluH, porghvetlh jIH je,
That body and I hauled on each individual line.
{Uhh, why not wa' tlhegh? Are you getting carried away with ngIq?}
>'ach jIHvaD not mu' jatlh.
But he said not a word to me.
>< choghIjtaHqu', 'o chIjwI' tIQ! >
"You freak me right out, O ancient mariner" [okay, it should be "fill
me with dread" for the context]
>< SawwI' lopwI', yIjot!
"Wedding guest, get a grip."
>lomchajDaq cheghbogh qa' chaHbe'
>lujoy'lu'mo' Haw'bogh qa''e',
They were not corpses to which their spirits returned, because they'd
been tortured, the spirits that fled.
[Had trouble parsing the noun in the subject position of a -lu' verb]
{Ah, I didn't take the -mo' clause to be the reason for the initial
departure, but rather an explanation of why it wasn't them}
>'ach qaS qa' quvqu' yot:
But an invasion of honourable spirits occurred. [But saints came to
take their place?]
>'ej qaSDI' choS - DeSchaj chaghmoH,
When twilight fell, it made their arms drop
{You could clarify morning and evening twilght with jajlo', I suppose}
>'ej Duj botlhDaq chen ghom;
And a group formed in the middle of the ship.
>QIt wab 'ey tlhuDchoH nujDu'chaj,
Slowly their mouths began to emit a tasty sound [not the right word,
I can't think of an English word]
{sweet, yep, that's the right English word}
>'ej porghmeychajvo' bom.
And their bodies sang.
>muDechtaHvIS puv Hoch wab 'ey,
All this glorious sound flew around me.
>ghIq pay' julDaq moD bIH;
Then suddenly they rushed off to the sun. [eh? the corpses?]
{That's interesting. With no previous grammatical hint that the
sounds were plural, I was thrown by bIH.}
>QIt cheghqa' wab; nIteb DaH leng,
The sound slowly returned, now it travelled independently
>'ej DaH nItebHa' vIH.
And now moved together.
>rut bomchoH qanraD 'e' vIQoy,
Sometimes I heard a bird [I think] begin to sing [Did you consider wup?]
>puvtaHvIS pumlaw' bom;
While it flew the song appeared to fall.
>rut bom je latlh bo'Deghmey law',
Sometimes many other birds sang too.
>bIQ'a''e' muD'e' je teblaw'
>'IHbogh bomchu'ghachHom!
The beautiful melodies seemed to fill the air and the water.
[I'm not much of a music person, so if there's something more
specific a knowledgeable person could pull out of bomchu'ghachHom,
it's not your fault I didn't find it]
{Hookay, but "sweet jargoning" I wasn't going to
get. bomchu'ghachHom is however a perfect translation of sweet
jargoning. It's like reading a translation of Jabberwocky. You don't
know what either version means, but you know it's translated correctly.
>'ej DaH Hoch QoQ jan rur wabvetlh,
At one moment that sound was like every instrument
>DaH Dov'agh mob rurqu';
At another it was just like a single flute.
>'ej DaH qa' quv bom mojchoHlaw',
And then it seemed to become a song of the saints.
>'oHmo' tamchoH QI'tu'.
Heaven hushed to hear it.
{Okay, so it's just me who's having an alliteration day today}.
>ghIq van; 'ach po Hoch vo'wI'vo' wab 'IHqu''e' Qoylu';
then they ended it, but in the morning a beautiful sound could be
heard from all the sails
{I think the subject of van needs to be the actor that makes the
thing end. i.e. van means rInmoH}
>wab'e' tlhuDbogh poH ghun bIQtIq
>So'lu'pu'bogh rurchu',
It was like the sound of hidden spring rivers [Maybe the sound of the
first water moving under the ice]
>ram Hoch QongtaHvIS SormeyvaD
The words the rivers sing to all the sleeping trees at night
>bombogh bIQtIq bom mu'.
>
>qaSpa' DungluQ malengtaH maH,
We travelled until noon.
>'ach not narghchoH SuSHom,
nor the slightest breeze did appear
>QIt lengtaH Duj 'ej Hab bIQ'a',
The ship sailed slowly on the smooth seas [Heh, waiting to see if I
nailed the alliteration, in which case I bet you're disappointed not
to be able to represent it]
{So I got a DIFFERENT aliteration on the ame letter. Freaky}
>Duj vo'bogh vay' So' Som.
The hull hid whatever propelled the ship.
>'eng bIr qo'vo' tlhejbogh qa''e'
The spirit that accompanied us from the spirit world.
>'IvDaj Saw' vagh 'uj'a',
At a depth of nine fathoms. [Have you an 'uj'a' - fathom conversion chart]
>Duj bIngDaq lengtaH ghaH net tlhoj,
It became clear that he was travelling under the ship.
>Duj vo'wI'na' mojta'.
He had become our ship's motive force.
>DungluQ wab nI' mevmoH vo'wI',
At noon the propulsion made the long sound to cease. [I can't speak
English anymore]
>'ej Dujmaj'e', mevqa'.
And our ship stopped again. [That's the difference with my story:
when the thrusters stop mine just stops accelerating].
>maH DungDaq ratlhtaHvIS jul'e',
The sun remained above us.
>bIQ'a'Daq Duj ngaQmoH:
It sealed the ship to the sea.
{I like mine better than "had fixed her to the ocean"}
>'ach qaSpu'DI' tup, vIHqa' Duj,
But in a minute the ship started to move again [spirit shift change is at noon]
>'ej vIHDI' pay' gheghchoH.
And once it moved it got rough.
>pay' DuvmoHlu', pay' HeDmoHlu'
Suddenly it was made to advance, suddenly to retreat.
>'ej vIHDI' pay' gheghchoH.
And while it moved, suddenly rough.
>Supqu'bogh ngem Sargh rurtaHvIS
like a leaping wild horse
>ghIq jImqu' Duj ngaDHa';
Then the unstable ship surged
>pe'vIl nachwIjDaq 'IwwIj yuv,
It forced the blood into my head.
>muvulchoHqu'moHta'.
It knocked me senseless. [Dude, lay off the drugs]
>jIvulmo', rep vItoghbe'pu',
Unconscious, I couldn't count the hours.
>vaj poH vIperlaHbe';
So I cannot tell you how long
>'ach jIHDaq cheghqa'pa' yInwIj,
But before life returned to me
>vay' ghov qa'wI', 'ej vay' vI'Ij:
My spirit recognized something and I heard something.
>ja'chuq cha' ghoghmey'e'.
Two voices were speaking
>< ghaH'a'? > jatlh wa'. < 'o qeylIS qa'!
>toH, loDvetlh'e' ghaH'a'?
"Is that he?" said one "In the name of god, is that the man?
>mIghqu'chu'mo' baHjanDaj lo',
He used the twice accursed launcher
>'ej yatqap HoHchu'ta'.
And slew the albatross.
>bo'Degh muSHa'qu'pu' qa'vam,
This spirit so loved the bird.
>'eng bIr qo'vetlh rewbe';
That citizen of the land of cold mist.
>'ej HoHmeH baHjan lo'bogh loD
>muSHa' je bo'Degh'e'. >
And in order for him to kill it, the bird loved the launcher wielding
dude, too."
[It's a Christian allegory? Someone should have warned me.]
>latlh ghogh tam law' ghoghvetlh tam puS,
Another voice, quieter than the first
>jatlhDI', tlhupwI' rurchu';
Spoke as in a whisper
>jatlh ghaH: < jIp'a' DIlpu' loDvam,
>'ej jIp'a' DIltaHqu'. >
It said "This man has paid the penalty, and pays it dearly even now."
[aww, it's over. I wanted more! Am I driving you crazy with 250 word
chapters? Should they be longer?]
It's not bad. It works, it's competent, there's nothing wrong or
objectionable about it. This part may be more like the dog that walks
on its hind legs: not praised so much for doing it well, but managing
to do it at all. I don't like this section as much in English though,
so maybe I'm just getting what there is. After the blood drinking my
expectations are pretty high. :-)
