[783] in Daily_Rumour
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daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (surak@Athena.MIT.EDU)
Sat Feb 20 20:39:38 1993
From: surak@Athena.MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 20 Feb 93 20:38:58 -0500
To: rumor@Athena.MIT.EDU
The Daily Reamer
February 20, 1993
Volume 42, Number 7
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Bombs Nearly Gone
The intrepid bomb defusion experts, in their untiring efforts to
remove the world nuclear threat, have been tracking down the last few
bombs today. In addition, several caches of bombs, apparently stolen
by the souvenir-hunters, were found and defused this morning. This
leaves less than 300 bombs remaining world-wide, and experts estimate
that all of the remaining bombs will be defused by midnight tonight.
"FORT HELL" Appears in Killian Court
Students and military personnel awoke this morning to discover the
creation of "Fort Hell", as the sign over Killian Court proclaimed.
On top of each of the four pyramids around Killian Court was a giant
slide rule with pink numbers. There was also a camoflauge pink tank
on top of the Great Dome, barbed wire around the edges of the roofs,
and barbed wire across the opening onto Killian Court from Memorial
Drive from which a sign was hanging which says:
The Pi Engineerin' Beavers Welcome The
18 1/2 Flying Aardvarks
to
FORT HELL
GAG Welcoming Committee
Technology Day Conference is Big Flop
The Annual Technology Day Conference culminated in a tremendous
disappointment on Friday as all but one of the scheduled presentations
failed to materialize. The only presentation that was made as
scheduled was the presentation of "A Revolutionary Breakthrough in
Natural Bacteriological Sanitation." by Professor Joe Waldenbook of
the MIT Department of Biology. Professor Waldenbook mixed three
chemicals which he claimed were noxious, added his revolutionary
waste-eating bacteria, and then drank the mixture. He appears to have
suffered no ill effects, although given this display, his sanity
appears to have been doubtful to begin with.
Charles River Monster Sighting
The Charles River Monster was not sighted not making a presentation at
Tech Day. The Charles River Monster was also not sighted not turning
Killian Court into a fluorescent pink Fort Hell.
Secretary Undergoes Miraculous Transformation
Secretary Deirdre Spring underwent a miraculous transformation on
Friday, making her appear younger and more attractive. While there
was speculation that the procedure was a new form of plastic surgery,
it seems unlikely that she could have recovered from surgery in less
than a day. Ms. Spring seems to be enjoying her new-found youth, and
has been seen flirting with young men all over campus. Neither Ms.
Spring nor her daughter could be reached for comment.
Military Makes Numerous Arrests
Abuse of Power by General Shwartzenkopf?
In an incredible display of abuse of power by a government official,
no fewer than eight people were arrested or brought in for questioning
by the military yesterday. People seen being taken in for questioning
include GE Vice President Andreas Perry, IBM President Watson J.
Watson, Major John Smithereen, Professor Joe Waldenbook, and MIT
students Winston Carlton, George Gordon, Timothy Melbourne, and Albert
St.-John-Smythe.
----------------------------Errata---------------------------------------
Potter Not Shot
Professor Warren Potter was not shot, as reported yesterday. He appears
to have died of a broken neck.
