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daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Sun Feb 18 23:54:56 1990
To: rumour@ATHENA.MIT.EDU
Date: Sun, 18 Feb 90 23:52:41 EST
From: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
PRAVDA
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| ``The Truth'' |
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VOLUME 47 NUMBER 3 FEBRUARY 19, 1990
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| Editor: |
| Roman Empiyer |
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HALLUCINATIONS CAUSED IN LOBSTOVIIY
November, 1934. The valorous
The dangerous gases emanating Communist Army has been trea-
from a natural spring in cherously defeated. Mao Tse-Tung
Lobstoviiy, which is in the hills comes out of the hiding the cruel
just north of Moscow, have caused capitalists had forced him into,
many hallucinations from some of and rallies the Communists around
the last people to leave the him.
area, who claimed that they were
seeing strange lights in the sky. October, 1935. Mao's Army over-
MVD troops have now entirely throws the corrupt government,
cleared out the area, and bright inspired by Mao's purity of heart
Soviet engineers are studying the and true beliefs. Mao sets up a
best way to control the distur- Communist government based on the
bance. Wonderful Soviet System.
STRAVINSKY SHOT September, 1937. Mao unites his
-- ANNA ROSANADANA army with that of the remaining
capitalists, and converts them to
KGB Man Stravinsky was shot in the wonders of communism. They
the head this evening at ap- then go to fight Japan.
proximately 8:30 pm outside the
Museum (in building 2). Although Mao Tse-Tung is an inspiration to
a doctor was rushed to the scene, all right-thinking Communist
it is believed that the man is Citizens. In the next few days,
dead. Many people were there, but we will be featuring a series of
no one wants to talk about it. articles on Chairman Mao's
political career.
STRAVINSKY SHOT TO DEATH
-- BORIS GOODINOV DR. JONES QUESTIONED BY WORLD
The body of Lieutenant Teodor Everybody and his brother cor-
Stravinsky of the Red Army was nered helpless innocent Dr. Jones
found just outside the today, and subjected him to a
Tretikovskaya Art Gallery last harsh questioning process involv-
night, during the public exhibi- ing much gun-waving. Fortunately,
tion of works to be auctioned it all turned out to be mistaken
this week. He had apparantly identity and there were no hard
been shot in the head and feelings. "There were six of 'em
searched. Security at the with guns, so I didn't dare
gallery proper was all but object, cuz with my six-shooter
abandoned as MVD and KGB officers if I missed one of them, I was in
hastened to bring order to the trouble." Partly because of this
scene outside. Lt. Stravinsky gun limitation, apparently, is
was attended to by Dr. Karamazov, why Jones has put his gun in the
and immediately rushed to Moscow auction.
General Hospital. At 11pm last
night his condition was reported THE PERILS OF
to be stable. RELIGION: A SPECIAL
EDITORIAL
Commander James Bond comments, "I --YEVGENY SOLO
was one of the first trained
medical personnel on the scene. (You see a picture of Yevgeny
After assisting in the attempt to Solo, ID# 83926, a suave,
save the life of the victim I was stylish, and impressive reporter)
kicked out by the intourist. I
was roughly handled, and I would Some forty years ago, the United
like to say that in the future my Nations passed Special Resolution
country will officially protest #242, an unprecedented event.
this kind of treatment." This resolution gave a land
belonging to the Palestinians
Neither the KGB or MVD have made into the hands of the war-causing
statements at this time. Jews. World War II was started
because of an uncalled-for Jewish
CHRISTIAN FORCE ATTACKS COPTER BASE uprising in Germany, which the
bold German government put down.
Associated Press, Beirut: Chris- Then, upon stealing the land now
tian militiamen struck back called Israel from the Pales-
yesterday after a major defeat in tinians, the infidel Jews
Beirut, launching a massive proceeded to launch attack after
tank-led assault against a attack against their peaceful
helicopter base held by Gen. Arab neighbors. Only through the
Michel Auon's army north of the valiant aid of Soviet military
capital. Rescuers retrieved 32 were these peaceful nations able
bodies from burned-out cars, to prevent total destruction at
tanks, and alleys of East the hands of the Jews.
Beirut's Ein Rummaneh district,
which had been a stronghold of Not satisfied with having managed
Samir Geagea's Lebanese Forces to brutally wrest the land of
militia before the district was Palestine from its rightful
taken by Aoun's troops Friday. owners, the Israelis proceeded to
The 18-day-old showdown for launch terrorist attacks against
control of the 310-square-mile their peaceful neighbors,
Christian enclave has left nearly violently backstabbing former
2,500 dead or wounded. The friends, infiltrating the govern-
Lebanese forces said they had ments around them.
taken control of the base, but
Aoun's command said the garrison Uganda had been a great friend to
repelled repeated tank assaults. Israel. Al-Hajj Field Marshal
The helicopter base is the only President Doctor Idi Amin Dada,
military facility that remains the leader of that great nation,
loyal to Aoun in Kesrouan had for years aided the Israelis
province, the power base for by training their military and
Geagea's militia. providing the Israelis with
supplies and military secrets.
INVITATION TO LENINGRAD In 1976, a group of Palestinian
freedom fighters, whose comrades
Filip Sorgol, mayor of the had been unjustly imprisoned by
beautiful city of Leningrad, the Israeli terrorists, liberated
invites all of the Comrades of an Air France plane departing
moscow to "Visit Leningrad. We from Israel. The plane was
have nice spires." We at Pravda forced to land in Uganda, as it
look forward to taking him up on was short on fuel. President
this offer, and will in the Doctor Amin provided the
future do a perspective view of prisoners with food, blankets,
this lovely city. and other amenities, and
negotiated with the freedom
UNREST THREATENS REFORMS -EDITORIAL fighters for an amicable release
of the prisoners. President
The Kremlin is becoming more and Doctor Amin managed to secure the
more concerned over a storm of release of over half of the
regional unrest that is rooted as prisoners, and an extention of
much in social, political, and the deadline which imperialist
economic neglect as in ethnic Israel had been given to release
hatred. Our country's reforms are the illegally-held freedom
being threatened by civil con- fighters.
frontation, chaos and in-
stability. The key question is Not satisfied with their Middle
whether stability will be res- Eastern terrorism, Israel moved
tored by democratic means or by its attack to Uganda. Israeli
tightening the screws, using the terrorist landed at the Entebbe
old methods of force from the airport, and assaulted the air-
past. Six more victims of ethnic port. Entering the complex were
violence in the Transcaucasian the prisoners were held, the
republic of Azerbaijan have have Israelis opened fire, killing
been discovered to add to a several passengers. Unwilling to
growing list. While powerful fire into the crowd of innocent
secessionist movements in the prisoners, the freedom fighters
Baltic republics pose a major dropped their weapons and at-
political problem, our people tempted to flee, were they were
there have remained constantly shot in the back by the cowardly
peaceful so far. Jews. On leaving, the Jews
slaughtered approximately 45
ART SHOW BIG SUCCESS Ugandan soldiers, who were
nowhere near the prisoners and
There was a large turnout who were unwilling to fire at
yesterday night to the Art their ex-comrades-in-arms. The
Display. Among the items on Jews also bombed the airport,
display were a Picasso, a destroying the meager Ugandan air
portrait of Lenin, and a thousand force.
year old burial shroud. The show
was presided over by the Varvara The Jews in Israel also send
Chekhs and Dr. Henry Jones, spies. One Eli Cohen, an Israeli
Junior. Dr. Jones vast ar- spy, infiltrated the peaceful
chaelogical knowledge allowed him government of Syria to blackmail
to serve the State and field a the government, but Soviet aid
variety of questions about the helped the peaceful Syrian
objects. Dr. Jones' personal government ferret out this
firearm is one of the personal malevolent person and mete out
items in the sale, which will be justice.
held Thursday.
In the occupied territories, The
LIBERALISM MAY SPREAD TO CUBA Jewish soldiers continue to fire
upon crowds of peacefully
The Cuban Communist Party called demonstrating students. Perhaps
its fourth party congress to meet it is time for something to be
next year, the official Cuban done about this terrorist nation.
news agency said yesterday in a They have time and again hidden
dispatch that hinted the party behind the USA's veto in the UN
will conside econmic and politi- Security Council. Soon the time
cal reforms. Cuba has remained will come when this imperialist
one of the communist world's nation will be overthrown in
staunchest Stalinist holdouts and favor of communism.
has criticized the democratic
reforms that have swept out GERMAN TIES TO NATO OPPOSED
hard-line Communist leaders in
Eastern Europe over the past The Soviet Union will block the
year. reunification of Germany if the
West insists on NATO membership
A PORTRAIT OF MAO for the combined states, a top
PART I: BEFORE WW II Kremlin advisor said today. Also
--YEVGENY SOLO today two West German publica-
tions said that Chancellor Helmut
December, 1922. In the wake of Kohl and Defense Minister Hans-
the glorious Soviet Communist Dietrich Genscher made conces-
Revolution, the intelligent sions to Moscow to win Kremlin
Chinese decide to follow the support. In an attempt to calm
Soviet footsteps, and overthrow Soviet fears about security,
there vile capitalist leaders. Genscher ruled out basing NATO
Mao Tse-Tung, a library assistant troops on what is now East German
and primary school teacher, is soil, and promised that East
present. Germany would continue to supply
the Soviet Union with much-needed TO NEW EUROPE
food and farm equipment.
With mounting anxiety, North
EAST GERMAN AMBASSADOR SPEAKS Africans are watching Europe's
-- ANNA ROSANADANA transformation and wondering
whether the Mediterranean Sea
The following text is a press that has always linked them to
release from East German Ambas- their northern neighbors will
sador Heinrich Mueller: soon become a moat. The specter
of an economic "fortress Europe",
I will be blunt and straightfor- as some have called it, forming
ward in my statement. I have after 1992 has only been en-
come here to Moscow concerning hanced, in the eyes of the North
the treaty of Berne-Lausanne and Africans, by the collapse of
the prospect of a unified communist regimes and the migra-
Germany. I will say immediately tion of East European workers
that the treaty, although good in westward.
principle, contains much that is
unclear and indeed poorly done. FLASHBACK: THE POPE, 2 YEARS AGO
Admittedly, the government of Two years ago today, the late
East Germany, as well as West Pope John Paul II, issued an
Germany, has signed the treaty. encyclical charging the United
However, after more careful State's continuous attempts at
consideration of the ramifica- rivaling the Soviet Union as an
tions and consequences of the exploiter of the Third World.
agreement, there is a signifigant Obviously, the US's continuous
minority that feels our decision supply of arms into the Third
was too hasty. World is preventing the aid the
wonderful Soviet Union gives, in
The urge for reunification has medicines and food.
always been strong among Germans.
Thus, when recent tumultous FLAME FROM US VICE PRESIDENT
events such as the death of
Comrade Gorbachov occurred, there U.S. Vice President Pheasant
was an instinctive reaction on spoke out to Pravda reporters
the part of the people. A mere today on the current state of
six days has elapsed since the events, especially regarding the
public proposal of unification, Berne-Lausanne treaty, which she
and a treaty has been written, pointed out that the President
signed, and sealed. Such haste "Like, has not really, you know,
can only lead to disaster. signed. He just said that he
would sign it if the new premier
Critical issues, such as the fate signed it." We misprinted this is
of communism and the communist yesterday's Pravda. Also, she
party, much be carefully con- claims to not have been com-
sidered. The goals of socialism misioned by the KGB, as was also
must not be allowed to fall by mentioned in yesterday's paper.
the wayside in our search for The KGB and the Minister of
progress. Foreign affairs have refused to
allow Pheasant to leave the
I hope that the Politburo and the country, unless Youngman is
future Premier take these con- released from the US Embassy.
siderations to heart. I urge When asked if by saying this she
them to delay approval and was confirming officially for the
encourage a complete review of US for the first time that they
the treaty, in its entirety. We actually HAD Youngman, she said
must take care in these critical "Uh yeah, I guess so. Oops."
times, as any misstep may prove
disastrous to the whole world. ERROR IN PRAVDA
Heinrich H. Mueller, East German In reference to yesterday's
Ambassador article on the Treaty of Berne-
Lausanne: President Barcero
EC PLANS APRIL SUMMIT {USA} has not yet signed the
treaty, but says he will if and
Concerned about the impact of when the new Russian Premier
German reunification, the 12 signs it. It should also be
nations of the European Community noted that the opinion expressed
have set a special summit meeting by Ambassador Dahl was NOT the
for April, a few weeks after the official position of the United
March 18 East German elections. States, but his own personal
In announcing the summit, Prime opinion. His statement was, by
Minister Charles Haughey of his own admission, `rather short,
Ireland, who holds the rotating somewhat vague, and possibly
EC presidency, did not mention inaccurate.'
the German question, saying only
that the summit is necessary PERSONALS
because "the European situation
has been changing rapidly and Warlock, please reach Scotty and
significantly" since the last Sulu.
summit in December.
*******
MORE MUSCOVITE POETRY
White Market - we sell cheap
Another great piece of poetry has cheap cheap! Please contact
appeared in Moscow, comrades. It rumour box 1401.
reads: Roses are red/ Sunflowers,
yellow/ Bond's still a dweeb/ *******
(and so's this Adam fellow. This
Adam person seems to enjoy a nice AHWRC SOFQP AFXCM DHJSH YAHGY
position, following Bond around. DHPMQ AGSHD AHSDG ASA.
Interesting.
GM ANNOUNCEMENTS
TODAY'S QUOTES
-- ANNA ROSANADANA Player Steven McDonald is no
longer playing Father Patrick
"I wish to continue the nuclear Tris, who died several days ago
disarmament policy of the late (see Pravda, Feb. 15). He is now
Gorbachev" -- Minister of Defense Sgt. Pyotr Panenko, and the
Nokemov player info may be found on the
playerlist.
"If you feel stress, don't
interalize it but rather come to *********
me. You can talk to me at any
time of the day." -- Dr. Dalia The editorials in this paper on
Myento, Insane Asylum Director NOT the viewpoints of their
writers, in specific the Anti-
"I hope that the Youngman issue Israel article. Apologies are
between America and Russia is extended to anyone who is
straightened out as soon as offended by the tone of this
possible." -- English Attache editorial (as was the writer).
Victoria St. John-Smythe If any player (not character)
wishes to discuss the facts, feel
"We should find and bring to free to contact Andy Ellis,
justice Gorbachev's killer and cordelia@athena.mit.edu
stive for peace among nations."
-- Foreign Minister Yuri Trubel *********
AMERIKA A general announcement to people
-- YEVGENY SOLO on instance moscow, players and
non-players.
Three years ago, American televi-
sion released `Amerika', a Instance moscow is an instance
television show in which Soviet being run for the benefit of
Troops conquered America. This players in an MIT Assassin's
show was a smashing failure in Guild game set in Moscow.
America, as people felt that the
Soviet Troops shown, although Players should try and make it
having easily conquered America, clear to non-players that things
were not even half as excellent like "Gorbachev' s Death" are
as real Soviet troops. People fictional events, not real ones,
also felt that the joys of as appearantly there has been
communism were not adequately some confusion over this in the
expressed by this capitalistic past.
farce.
-bamf
NORTH AFRICANS WANT BRIDGES
