[1032] in Daily_Rumour
Galactic Enquirer Issue #2
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abbe@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jan 18 16:20:42 1996
From: abbe@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 1996 16:19:39 -0500
To: rumor@MIT.EDU
Welcome to the Wednesday Morning version of:
The Galactic Enquirer
Volume 35102, Special Darkstar Issue #2
"Founded before the last Great War"
IN THIS ISSUE!!!
The REAL reason Saturday's paper was delayed!
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GALACTIC ENQUIRER UNDER SIEGE!
Caretaker, Sa'Pehn Agents Wreak Havoc!!!
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Plus! A terrible new threat revealed!
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SPINNING WOGLS PRIMES THEM TO DESTROY WORMHOLES!!!
Wogl Suicide-Bombers Plot to Halt Interstellar Travel!!!
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And numerous other features:
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THE FASHION SECTION: A strange new fashion sweeps Darkstar2 -- glowing auras!
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THE POLITICAL SECTION: Ed'8ngr cuts loose on Weebles!
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PERSONALS: A plea to Angela!
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And!!! Announcing...
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OUR SUPER NEW CONTEST!
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GALACTIC ENQUIRER UNDER SIEGE!
Caretaker, Sa'Pehn Agents Wreak Havoc!!!
by Laset Epulet, recipient of the Weebel Acadamy of Journalism Cup
CARETAKER ASSAULT:
As the dear reader recalls, in Saturday's paper we here at the
Enquirer first alerted the Galaxy to the hideous danger posed by the
mad AI JAB-MMM and its slaves, the GRU research combine. But before
our papers could go to press, JAB-MMM struck!!! Claiming to be the
Caretaker, on Saturday this entity struck a blow against all sentient
life in the Galaxy, blowing up planets in every major empire except
that of the Old Ones . Production of the paper was struck a mighty
blow by this act, while we struggled to find a new source of
newsprint, ink, and electronic sub-etha-electronics with which to
publish. Additional facts have since come to light:
Eriga, a former GRU employee and Old One, revealed to this reporter
that he quit the GRU because it was in the business of fabricating
planet-busting bombs! It is obvious that there is no coincidence here
-- the Old One GRU employee quits, and they are the only race not to
have a planet explode! You heard it here first: the GRU is bad news.
Eriga denied rumors that he was working for JAB-MMM, el-korath, and
Black Sky Weapons, to take over the Old One Dreadnaught with an
immensely powerful AI.
SA'PENH AGENTS ASSAULT:
In our last issue, we promised that in this issue we would dig into
Galactic Enquirer archives to recover articles from our coverage of the
last Great War, in preparation for the upcoming one.
However, between Saturday and this issue, foreign agents, probably
working for the Sa'Penh, destroyed all Enquirer Archives reaching back
further than a week ago. Coincidentally, all Enquirer tax records were
destroyed in the assault, which just happened to follow Sunday's
back-page article in Universe Today (the mouthpiece of JAB-MMM) on the
Lomin Empire Revenue Service's plan to audit the Enquirer. Galactic
Enquirer editors were unavailable for comment.
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SPINNING WOGLS PRIMES THEM TO DESTROY WORMHOLES!!!
Wogl Suicide-Bombers Plot to Halt Interstellar Travel!!!
by Laset Epulet, recipient of the Weebel Acadamy of Journalism Cup
Confidential sources have revealed to this reporter that Wogls enjoy
being spun so much because it is charging them up! Once primed, a Wogl
passing through a wormhole can collapse it entirely! Wogls everywhere
are involved in this conspiracy to take interstellar travel hostage to
their bizzare demands to be spun even more. You must act now! Refuse
to Spin the Wogl, unless he's got a Certificate of Good Intentions from
a Galactic Enquirer Special Investigator which guarantees that he's not
a threat!
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THE FASHION SECTION: A strange new fashion sweeps Darkstar2 -- glowing auras!
by Staff Reporters
While the initial appearance of glowing auras as a fashion accessory on
Darkstar 2 was met with interest in the Intersteller Wormhole-Jet-Set,
as continuing escalation led from brown to red to red with flashing blue
sparks, the intergalactic fashion community quickly turned against the
whole idea.
"Why, those sparks could set my Zoroastrian Spider Silk aflame!" cried
one well-known fashion-conscious Gro*Ka. Indeed, it seems that this
fashion-foray will not develop as a Galactic trend, and these reporters
really must suggest that it be laid to rest as quickly as sentiently
possible.
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THE POLITICAL SECTION: Ed'8ngr cuts loose on Weebles!
by Ed'8ngr
Look. We all know that the Weeble race was constructed by the Sa'Penh
to be the immortal agents of destruction that the Sa'Penh themselves
wished to be. Unfortunately for the Sa'Penh, Weebles turned out
"Small and whiney", in the words of one well-known Darkstar Weeble.
So what I want to know is this: since you Weebles have clearly
abandoned the Sa'Penh goal of intersteller conquest, why weren't you
guarding the Enquirer offices from Sa'Penh assault last weekend? My
paycheck was destroyed! Do you know what I owe my last seven wives,
not to mention what it costs to keep my current three concubines?
ARGH!!!
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PERSONALS: A plea to Angela!
"Dear Angela: We want it all back. That way we won't have to kill you.
Much.
Love, the Gang"
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And!!! Announcing...
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OUR SUPER NEW CONTEST!
The contest is simple:
1) find the secret messages hidden in each Enquirer issue. The clue
for Saturday's edition is: 3 words. 1,1 and 1,11.
2) submit them all Friday night at midnight in writing to Laset Epulet
3) ties will be broken on the basis of Laset Epulet's appreciation of
haiku's submitted along with the messages. Bonus points awarded for
using words from the messages in the haikus.
4) Prizes will be awarded at 12:01 AM, Saturday night.
5) In the event that nobody gets all the messages, first prize will
not be awarded.
The prizes:
1) 100Cr!
2) A set of used underwear!
3) A punch in the nose, or most similar organ available!
By submitting an entry, you agree to accept any prize you happen to
win. There will be at most one first prize winner, two second prize
winners, and all other entrants will be third prize winners.
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Slaves, non-mature sentients, and employees of the Galactic Enquirer are
prohibited from entering this competition.
