[1028] in Daily_Rumour
The Galactic Enquirer -- Saturday Morning's Issue
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (merlin@MIT.EDU)
Mon Jan 15 02:04:47 1996
From: merlin@MIT.EDU
To: peace-gms@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 15 Jan 1996 02:04:00 EST
This issue of the Galactic Enquirer was delayed, probably by some nefarious
plot related to the contents of the paper...
The Galactic Enquirer
Volume 35102, Special Darkstar Issue #1
"Founded before the last Great War"
IN THIS ISSUE!!!
A shocking secret unearthed:
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UNIVERSE TODAY PRODUCED BY MALEVLOENT AI!!!
Are GRU researchers its information-gathering slaves?
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and -- Exclusive sources reveal only to the Enquirer:
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OSSAMPHIN PLAN GALACTIC SEX-RITUAL TO REPOPULATE!!!
"Dying" race plans breeding frenzy!
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UNIVERSE TODAY PRODUCED BY MALEVLOENT AI!!!
Are GRU researchers its information-gathering slaves?
by Laset Epulet, recipient of the Weebel Acadamy of Journalism Cup
Prepare dear reader for a shocking revalation: that journalistic
bastion of reputability, Universe Today, is actually the mouthpiece/
lackey of the most dangerous AI ever to curse the galaxy: JAB-MMM.
With every mega-hyped article published, JAB-MMM steps closer to its
final goal - total mental domination of the entire sentient population
of the galaxy. Only one hope is held out for Galactic citizens who
wish to remain fully self-controlled, and that is to reject Universe
Today, buying only quality news publications such as the Galactic
Enquirer, which is owned and operated by real, live, sentient beings.
However, that will not be enough. Our confidential sources reveal
that JAB-MMM (pronounced jab-'em) has powerful allies, eager to assist
it in its quest to eliminate the free will of the Galactic Population.
One informant even suggested that GRU researchers might all carry
nanotechnological recording equipment of JAB-MMM's design, making them
all unknowing spies for this galactic scourge! Who knows which
Combines or minor races have allied with this fearsome power, eager to
scavenge the bones of the galaxy in its wake! Our fearless reporting
staff is working night and day to find out, so keep reading the
Enquirer!!!
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OSSAMPHIN PLAN GALACTIC SEX-RITUAL TO REPOPULATE!!!
"Dying" race plans breeding frenzy!
by Laset Epulet, recipient of the Weebel Acadamy of Journalism Cup
We have all heard the eco-whiners and the preservationists bemoaning
the apparently dwindling Ossamphin population. Perhaps, dear readers,
some of you are even among their number. But cry no more for the
Ossamphin, my friends, for an exclusive source high in Ossamphin
religious circles has confirmed that the Ossamphin people are
spreading throughout the galaxy in preparation for a breeding frenzy
that will give them the lion's share of the Galactic population within
a decade! Soon, the Ossamphin will represent a voting majority in all
regions in which voting is the means of decisionmaking, and a military
body to be reckoned with in the others! And that will be good for
them, because the galactic food supply will be heavily over-saturated
by their soon-to-be burgeoning numbers.
In the preceding years, however, there are a few things clever
Galactic Enquirer readers can do to prepare. First, stock up a lot of
food. And second, if you're "in the mood", hang out around Ossampha a
lot -- they will be wanting to have a lot of sex very soon now, and we
don't know if they'll be picky about who or what they have for
partners! We'll expect to hear from you on our letters page.
Next issue: We dig into Galactic Enquirer archives to recover articles
from our coverage of the last Great War, in preparation for the
upcoming one.
PLUS! Coming soon: another installment of Ed'8ngr's incisive
political commentary!
