[105255] in Cypherpunks
Saving the children
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Robert Hettinga)
Mon Nov 9 08:12:37 1998
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1998 07:42:59 -0500
To: cypherpunks@cyberpass.net
From: Robert Hettinga <rah@shipwright.com>
Reply-To: Robert Hettinga <rah@shipwright.com>
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Subject: Saving the children
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A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be
health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell
of baking bread. A main danger is that the organic components of this aroma
may break down ozone protecting our children.
Horrified? When are we going to do something about bread-induced global
warming? When is our government going to go after Big Bread?
The research should make anyone think twice....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes against children are committed
within 24
hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a child. The
average American child eats more bread than that in one month!
6: In primitive tribal societies that have no bread, children exhibit a
lower occurrences of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and
osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Children deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the child to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human child is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to a child's
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning Spanky into
a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an child in less than one minute!
12: Most young American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
policy:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A fifty-five percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread. 55 saves lives!
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (all of which appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this
crucial issue.
Remember: Think globally. We must save the little children!
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Robert A. Hettinga <mailto: rah@philodox.com>
Philodox Financial Technology Evangelism <http://www.philodox.com/>
44 Farquhar Street, Boston, MA 02131 USA
"... however it may deserve respect for its usefulness and antiquity,
[predicting the end of the world] has not been found agreeable to
experience." -- Edward Gibbon, 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'
