[492] in Humor
HUMOR: This Just In
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Oct 12 14:01:40 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 12 Oct 1994 13:56:37 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 12 Oct 94 08:40:50 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: Helena Jerney
From: sophia@aurum.com (Sophia Marx)
>From: ekatsoudas@atmel.com
THIS JUST IN for 2 October 1994 Copyright 1994 by Randy Cassingham
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IN A FAMILY WAY: A committee established by Parliament to suggest how to
make Britain more "family friendly" suggested that Britain
participate in a European Union policy of guaranteeing new fathers
three months of unpaid paternity leave. "Helping men to be involved
with their children is one way of providing a positive sense of
identity," the committee report said. On the other hand, a report
released by a university researcher five days earlier showed that
unemployed British men would prefer to wander the streets than stay
home and take care of their children. (Reuter) ...Well sure -- what's
the conflict in that then?
WASN'T DONE YET: Derrick Shaw, unhappy with his sentence for his
conviction of kidnapping and armed robbery, cursed the judge and
called him the "house nigger". Philadelphia Judge Ricardo C. Jackson
called Shaw back before the bench and changed his 7-15 year sentence
to the maximum: 42-85 years, plus a recommendation for no parole.
(AP) ...And another thing: uh, well, never mind.
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, YOU AREN'T INTO S&M: Fun Radio's Paris talk show
for teenagers wanting to talk about sex -- ranging from how to wear a
condom, to sadomasochism, to sodomy -- was so popular that rival
Skyrock sent transcripts of the show to the Higher Audio-Visual
Council, France's airwave "watchdog", which issued warnings to Fun
Radio. But within months, Skyrock started a competing show, hosted by
a former pornographic movie actress. "We thought she was the right
person, given her experience," Skyrock said. Asked by a called what
to do about his lover who shouted too much during sex, the actress
suggested "All you can do is put her head in a pillow." (Reuter)
...Sounds like a permanent solution.
MAKING A STINK: The state of Massachusetts is drafting regulations
prohibiting large-scale bakers to allow the odor of bread to be
released into the atmosphere because it contains ethanol, which can
break down into ozone, a component of smog. "If people have such a
visceral response to this smell, they can bake their own bread," said
the engineer at the state Department of Environmental Protection who
drafted the regulation. (AP) ...Can't be much more ethanol than is on
the breath of Massachusetts politicians on a Saturday night.
THE JOKE'S ON THE PEOPLE: Jacob Haugaard, a Danish comic running a joke
campaign promising better weather and the "right of men to be
impotent," was shocked to learn that he won a seat in parliament. "It
was all a practical joke, honestly," he said. (Reuter) ...Everyone
laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they aren't
laughing now!
MUCH BETTER, THANK YOU: A Church of England bishop who retired last year
created a storm of controversy by, among other things, expressing his
doubts regarding the virgin birth of Jesus. He was replaced recently
by Michael Turnbull. Now, a newspaper has revealed that Turnbull was
convicted in 1968 of "an act of gross indecency with a male farmer in
a public lavatory." Turnbull argues the incident makes him a better
clergyman: "This regrettable incident all those years ago taught me
much about human frailty and fragility and about what is required of
the ordained ministry," he said. (Reuter) ...Some American TV
preachers can get a lot of mileage out of that excuse.
RAISE MY HAND IF YOU BELIEVE IN TELEKINESIS: A poll of Americans aged
18-34 found only 9% believed that Social Security would have the
money to provide them their retirement benefits, but 46% believe in
UFOs. (AP) ...Welcome to Earth. Did you bring any credit cards?
CUT LEFT! CUT RIGHT! A home exercise video O.J. Simpson finished just a
week before his wife was killed will be released as planned,
according to its producers. "I used to walk on the wild side, now I
just walk," Simpson says on the tape. (AP) ...And I'm careful not to
step over this line, which is called the "death line", just inside
the fence.
LINE OF DUTY: Clarence Notree, a Chicago gym teacher, reacted to a
gunman shooting at his students by herding the stunned children out a
door to safety, but was himself hit in the hand. After a hearing, the
Illinois Industrial Commission awarded the 19-year veteran $13,447 in
Worker's Compensation for his injury. But the Chicago Board of
Education appealed the ruling, saying that saving the children's
lives was not part of a physical education teacher's job. After an
outcry, the Board agreed to approve the claim. (AP) ...Now we know
why there are shootings at schools: it's not in the teachers' job
descriptions to care.
SAY YOU LOVE ME: "Telescope, Squirrel At Odds" -- AP Headline.
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