[490] in Humor
HUMOR: Mall Chicks Movie Review
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Oct 11 11:17:58 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 11 Oct 1994 11:13:47 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 07 Oct 1994 18:10:48 -0600 (MDT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN%ARIES@VAXF.Colorado.EDU>
...
From: Mark Fontana
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.arts.movies
Subject: Mall chicks review the summer's worst movies
Date: 7 Dec 1993 02:26:30 -0500
MALL CHICKS REVIEW THE SUMMER'S WORST MOVIES
By Two Mall Chicks
10. FREE WILLY
"Like, who would want to save a dumb fish anyway?"
"I totally know what you mean. They smell so grody. My mom made
fish one night and, like the whole house just smelled. You know?"
"Totally. You know, this movie would have been better if, like,
Willy had been like a cute little kitten and, like, Patrick Swayze
had to save it? That would've been so cool."
"Totally. Patrick Swayze's a dreamboat."
9. JURASSIC PARK
"Do I like really want to see a movie where I don't even know what
the title means? I don't think so."
"Totally. And like that Jeff Goldberg guy, you know? He's like
so creepy."
"Oh I know. He looks like he's dead or something. And those clothes
he was wearing. Hello? 'Spooks-Are-Us' Mr. Goldstein. Try some
pastels. That statement died in the 80's, along with the Pet Shop Boys."
8. HARD TARGET
"There were like all these guys at this movie, so that's why we went,
but, it was like so stupid. The guys wouldn't even look at us. They
just watched some guy with an achy breaky haircut kick people
and stuff."
"Oh, I know. It was like, 'Okay, Mr. Bad Guy. I have a gun but before
I use it, I'm gonna like kick you first, okay?'"
"Totally. I thought that guy would have been cute if he cut his hair."
"Yeah. He was kind of dreamy. Not as dreamy as Patrick Swayze though."
"Duh. Tell me something that doesn't require a brain, thank you
very much."
7. SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
"Uh, try 'Boring in Seattle', because that's what it was. Thank you.
It was like, 'I'll have another Tom Hanks valium please. I'm so lonely.
I'm like so bored with my life.' It was like snoozeville."
"Totally. I like wanted to fall asleep during this one."
"You *did* fall asleep. You were like totally snoring."
"I'm sure. I like totally do not snore, thank you."
"Then I guess it was that old, fat guy sitting next to you."
"The only old, fat guy sitting next to me was your boyfriend."
"Bitch."
"Slut."
"Tramp."
"Like shut up."
"Why don't *you* shut up?"
6. THE FUGITIVE
"Harrison Ford is like sooo old."
"Totally. You remember how he was like running away from that train?
I thought he was going to keel over and die or something."
"Totally. It was like, 'Dad, watch out. There's a train after you.'
I mean, duh. I don't think my dad is faster than a train, thank you."
"I just don't want to watch two old guys chase each other around
for two hours. If I wanted to do that, I'd go to my family reunion."
"Totally. Patrick Swayze would have made a much better fugitive."
5. LAST ACTION HERO
"How about the 'Last Waste of a Billion Dollars?' because that's what
this movie was."
"Totally. And, like the only reason we went was because you thought
that guy at the Pretzel Parlor was cute, so like you made me go follow
him with you. And then he like started picking his nose when the
lights went down. That was so gross."
"Totally. And his friend kept yelling, 'Kick his ass, Arnie! Kick
his ass!' I mean they were such geeks!"
"It was like, okay this movie blows chunks, but like does the audience
have to be totally mental too? I don't think so."
4. NEEDFUL THINGS
"Like, what this movie needed was a clue. Hello, we don't like
movies with old people or bald people in them, thank you."
"Totally. Didn't that guy play Moses in the Bible? He was older
than like... he was just really old."
"I know, and he was supposed to be scary looking. I mean, he looked
just like my grandfather."
3. ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
"Okay, I'd just like to say that I did not see this movie, okay?"
"Like the only reason I saw it was because my family went for my
little brother's birthday party, okay?"
"Oh really? And like how was it?"
"It was okay. I mean the guy was kind of cute."
"Uh, excuse me. I didn't ask how the movie was, okay? I like
asked how it was hanging out with your parents. I mean, talk about
a nightmare. Did anyone see you?"
"No way. I like came through another door and left before the
lights came on, thank you very much."
"I would absolutely die if I had to go out in public with my family."
"Totally."
2. THE FIRM
"Tom Cruise being chased by old guys."
"I don't know. Tom Cruise used to be hunky. I mean, he was
absolutely to die for in Cocktail. But lately he's just not the same."
"I totally know what you mean. It's like ever since he married that
girl, he lost a lot of his hunkiness."
"Totally."
"Anyway, this movie was stupid because like the bad guy is like the
Quaker Oats guy and like Tom was supposed to be afraid of him.
'You do what the firm wants, Mitch.' 'Why should I?' 'Because it's the
right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.' I mean, it was
totally lame."
"Totally."
1. IN THE LINE OF FIRE
"Like, another movie with old people. What is it with movies this
summer? Does everyone have to be old?"
"Totally, I mean, do only old people watch movies? I don't think so."
"I know. And like remember when that girl from Lethal Weapon 3 kissed
Burt Eastwood? That was so gross. I mean, how can you kiss Mel Gibson
and then like kiss some guy who was alive before cars were invented?
I like almost zooked right into my popcorn."
"I've got like three words to say about this movie: old, grody,
and Swayzeless. I did think the guy from REM did a pretty good
job as the bad guy, though."
>From The Columbus Guardian, 6 Oct 93.
Reprinted w/ permission.
