[433] in Humor
HUMOR: Color Guide for Men
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Sep 2 11:09:40 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 02 Sep 1994 11:01:16 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: 1 Sep 1994 15:39:29 +0500
From: "Sharalee Field" <sharalee@planning.mit.edu>
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THE MAN'S GUIDE TO COLOR
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Copyright 1993, Moe Rubenzahl
There was a time when color was strictly the woman's province. My Dad
picked the car, the engine, the tires, and the power accessories but
the colors were for Mom to choose. I remember our first new car. Dad
brought home a huge book of GM paint chips and upholstery swatches and
placed it in front of Mom , like some mysterious puzzle. Mom would
agonize over whether Champagne Mist or Platinum Mist would best carry
our family into the 70s.
These days, men participate in the color decisions. But not always with
confidence and skill. Watch the guy in the body shop match paint,
blending it wet, eyeballing the mix and knowing it will dry to a
precise match to the slightly faded color on the neighboring panel.
Then watch him meet his wife in the furniture store and tremble when
faced with a choice between periwinkle and cornflower.
Men like things simple. For instance, there are three blues: Dark blue,
light blue, and turquoise. A really sensitive guy knows about navy
(that's dark blue, for the rest of you.) Eight Crayolas are enough for
most men. The only reason a man needs the 64 Crayola set is because he
wants the built-in sharpener.
Men, there will come a time, no matter how skillful you are at ducking
into the garage, when you will be expected to help pick a color. Maybe
it will be the new living room paint; maybe some shoes; maybe even
something as fraught with danger as new drapes.
"No-o-o-o!" you say! "Let me hunt the saber-tooth! Let me rebuild a
carb! But don't make me pick drapes!"
Relax, compadre. It's not as tricky as you fear. All you need is this,
the Handy-Dandy Guide to Fluffy Colors. We'll translate all those
strange and exotic color names into terms you can understand. When she
asks if you prefer the mauve or the peach, you can sneak a quick peek
at the Guide and confidently point to the right patch as you
triumphantly say, "This one, the mauve, is just the shade to pick up
the magenta flecks in the new lamp. And I like its silvery quality!"
Okay, I lied. You'll never talk like that, even if you memorize this
stupid guide. Colors go in and out of style and new names appear all
the time. Color mastery is beyond us unless we read the fashion
magazines and pay attention to color trends. And if we do that, how
will we have time for important things, like teaching our sons to spit?
Maybe you'll never be a color wizard, but with this guide, you will
sometimes know what she's talking about and every so often, you may
even have a good suggestion. In any event, you're sure to surprise
women by using these terms -- because their expectations are low.
=== === ===
WHITE: Big trick! There is snow white, ivory, antique, oyster, cream,
winter white, appliance white, and a zillion more. Off-white -- there's
a funny one. Just be careful when you're in white territory.
BLACK: Much safer than white but watch out for very dark blues which
are decidedly not "black."
GRAY: Trickier than white, there are warm grays (brownish or pinkish or
mauvish) and cool grays (bluish or sometimes referring to neutral
grays). Then there are greenish grays which, I have just been told, are
"very critical." Grays are tricky. Sorry I can't be of more help.
CHARCOAL: Dark-to-medium gray. Lighter than the color of new charcoal,
darker than the color of charcoal ash.
SILVERY: Different from "silver," refers to a sheen. any color can have
a silvery quality, except brown, which is not permitted to be silvery.
RUST: An easy color. Unfortunately, it is very out right now.
BEIGE: Very light brown, reallll close to off-white
COCOA: Light-medium brown
CHOCOLATE: Milk chocolate, they mean
MAHOGANY: Why can't they all be this easy?
LILAC: Light purple, but not lavender
LAVENDER: Light purple, but not lilac
ORCHID: Purple
VIOLET: Purple
GRAPE: Dark purple
INDIGO: Very dark purple
MAUVE: A subdued pinkish grayish purple-like color. or, light pink with
a silvery quality. Good luck with this one.
CARNATION: Bubble gum pink
MAGENTA: Bright reddish-pink
FUSCHIA: Bright purple-pink
HOT PINK: Really bright pink
ROSE: "Roses are red..." Wrong. Rose is dark pink.
SCARLET: Major red
RED: A trick. There are orange reds (think of a tomato) and bluish reds
(think raspberry). Women are very sensitive to nuances in red (look at
the lipstick display in the drug store, if you dare). Picking between
shades of red is too advanced for most of us.
BURGUNDY: Dark purple-red
MAROON: very dark red
BRICK: They mean red bricks
PUMPKIN: Slightly brownish orange
FOOTBALL: If levolor would use some names like this, maybe we would
willingly help pick out new blinds
TANGERINE: Red-orange
PEACH: Light orange. You would not eat a peach this pale.
MANGO: Bright melon
SALMON: Orange
TROUT: Why isn't there a color "trout?" It would even be silvery.
MELON: Who makes up these names? This one means light orange, the color
of the inside of a cantaloupe. You're supposed to know this?
AUTUMN GOLD: Yellow-Orange, to us.
HARVEST GOLD: Yellow-Orange, to us.
LEMON: Yes! It's yellow! You're getting the hang of this.
GOLD: Cub Scout yellow
GOLDENROD: Yellow. Look at the state flower for a hint.
STANLEY YELLOW: Or Caterpillar tractor yellow. Why can't they use terms
like these?
CHARTREUSE: Very bright green
LIME GREEN: Green
KELLY GREEN: Major green
AVOCADO: Darker than the inside, lighter than the outside. Actually,
the green color they used for appliances in the sixties.
OLIVE: Army green
FOREST GREEN: Dark green
SEA GREEN: Turquoise (dark teal, for you advanced color captains)
TURQUOISE: Blue-green
MINT GREEN: Dark sea foam
AQUA: Light turquoise
SEA FOAM: Lighter turquoise, a bit more green
BABY BLUE: Light blue
CYAN: Sky blue
POWDER BLUE: Light blue. You have never seen powder this color.
TEAL: Thank you, San Jose Sharks, for teaching us one damn color.
MAKITA BLUE: Throw that in a color conversation sometime.
There is no woman-name for this exact shade but we know what it is. Ha!
CORNFLOWER: Blue-purple
PERIWINKLE: Blue. Cornflower, teal, and periwinkle are pretty in, and
have been for some time. The difference between them is pretty subtle
and your y-chromosome prevents you from safely discussing these in any
depth. I suggest you nod knowingly and suggest something a little more
silvery.
NAVY: Dark blue
MIDNIGHT BLUE: Darker blue
/|_|\
\* */
\#/ COYOTE SAYS: "Macintosh. For people who can see through Windows."
--Boundary-7976565-0-0--
