[39] in Humor
HUMOR: Stupid criminal tricks
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Jan 31 11:45:18 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 94 11:43:03 EST
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 94 14:34:14 PST
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
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Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense
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Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird".
(a) Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police
inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine
and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
(b) Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for
robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an
electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
(c) The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
And it gets better:
(d) David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his
getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
(e) The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man
suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have
done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.*
Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
(f) Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a
"bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense,
said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that
day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The
judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so
hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
(g) Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long
welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it.
"I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had
it happen."
(h) Dave so-and-so of Anniston, Alabama, was injured recently after he
attempted to replace a tubelike fuse in his Chevy pickup with a 22-
caliber rifle bullet (used because it was a perfect fit). However,
when electricity heated the bullet, it went off and shot him in the
knee.
A few years back, some poor fool decided to rob a bank on a Friday
afternoon. Stupid fellow that one. If he had looked across the street, he
would have realized that this bank was next to FBI headquarters, and it was
payday. Virtually every person in the bank was an agent! Needless to say,
this hapless fool got a quick lesson in law enforcement technique...
My cousin used to work for, er, qantel, and there were some boxes of
garbage sitting on the loading dock. You bet someone stole them, after all,
they were labled printer boxes and such!!
This reminds me of the stories which appeared in the press a few years
ago during a garbage strike in N.Y. Apparently, the cabbies started wrapping
up their garbage and putting it in the back of their cab. It was always gone
by the end of their shift.
In College Park, GA, a suburb of Atlanta, an armed man entered a La
Quinta hotel lobby with the intention of robbing the place. He pulled out
his gun and demanded money from the hotel clerk. The funny thing is that
the robber never noticed that there was a FULLY-UNIFORMED police officer
standing less than 15 feet away in the lobby. Not only that, but the hotel
security camera filmed the entire episode, including the arrest. The local
television stations showed the tape on the evening news.
The stupidest tricks I've heard of, though, are always bank robbers.
Like the guy who was caught walking back to the bank with a can of gas after
his car ran out of gas while he was in robbing the bank.
They managed to enter the place without setting off the alarm, but they
were unable to crack the safe by drilling holes in it or trying to hear the
tumblers fall. So they decided to blow the thing open. After a loud explosion
the safe was still locked tight, but the alarm had been set off. When they
got to the getaway car it wouldn't start. So they each ran off in a different
direction as the sirens approached. The police had no problem identifying
and apprehending them, though. One of them had left his wallet on the front
seat of the getaway car.
The other day, a South Carolina football player didn't want to be caught
with the goods, so he swallowed six rocks of crack.
He died a few hours later.
Two muggers in Albany NY (about 1970) tried to mug someone coming out
of a grocery store. He was walking his pit bull, using a funny black belt
for a leash.
Does anybody remember a few years back when two guys tried to hijack a
New York City subway train to Miami?
How about the bank robber in Champiagn IL. who robbed the bank one day
and return to the same bank the next day to deposit the money into his account
and even went to the same teller. Well the teller kept him busy while someone
called the police.
