[219] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. Short bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Apr 19 16:24:31 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 94 16:18:52 EDT
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 94 12:55:01 PDT
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From kathode@grace.rt.cs.boeing.com
Subject: Quote Without Comment
Laura Tyson, head of the president's Council of Economic Advisers,
explaining why the Clinton administration reduced its 1993 growth
projection from 3.1 percent to 2 percent:
"We are now looking at a future from here, and the future we were
looking in February now includes some of our past, and we can
incorporate the past into our forecast. 1993, the first half, which
is now the past and was the future when we issued our first
forecast, is now over."
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From: rocky@cadence.com (Rochelle Grober)
>From vlsiphx!karoshi!lahti_g@enuucp.eas.asu.edu Mon Apr 18 13:28:13 1994
Subject: auto pilot
Los Angeles, California:
After draining excess fuel from the flooded engine of his 1946
aircraft, Douglas Youngs reached into the cockpit and started the
engine.
But he had forgotten to close the throttle and the plane took off
without him.
The errant aircraft was eventually found 65 miles away, perched
in an 85 foot tree. Youngs thinks he can repair the plane, just as
soon as he figures out how to get it down from the tree.
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From: weilcad@nextwave.com (weilcad)
To: mdb-humor@cisco.com
jailed because of taxes:
About a month ago, a burglar stole a motorhome and left behind his tax
return forms, which the police used to find his house and arrest him there.
jailed just because:
A man on trial for burglary who said, after a police investigator testified
that the accused's fingerprints were found all over the robbed home, "Those
couldn't be my fingerprints, I was wearing gloves!"
jailed just because:
In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what
happened. She says "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd
remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out "You
couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask. "
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q. What does computer documentation and sex have in common?
a. When its good, its very good. And when its bad, its better
than nothing..
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=====================================
Top Ten Ways To Annoy An I.R.S. Agent
=====================================
10. Instead of I.R.S., pronounce it "IRS"
9. Whenever he starts using his calculator, start yelling out a bunch of
numbers
8. Tape all your receipts up into a giant ball and then whip it at his head
7. Pour a jar of honey on your W-2, let a bear loose in his office
6. Be Leona Helmsley
5. Tell him "You know who makes a lot of money? That Oprah"
4. Keep saying, "1040, good buddy!"
3. Whenever he disallows a deduction, say "Oh, Mr. Gotti isn't going to
like
that..."
2. List his wife under "Entertainment Expenses"
1. Keep yelling "Hey, audit this!"
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From: scott@INS.COM (Scott Schroeder)
Subject: HUMOR- Cow essay
From: lmbhem@dante.lbl.gov (Lesley Bell)
COW EDUCATION: To get into the Indian civil service, you have to
demonstrate your English skills in essay form. The delightful example
which follows was written by a successful candidate, I hear from
reader Desh Deepak Khanna of Chandigarh, who sent it in.
"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is
quadruped and because he is female, he give milk, but will
do so only when he is get child. He is same like God,
sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four
legs together. Two are foward and two are afterwards.
"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the
milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd,
whey and the condensed milk and so farth.
"His motion is slow only because he is of aslitudinous
species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees,
plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in
the sun. Cow is the only animal that extracates his feeing
after eating. Then, afterward she chew with his teeth whom
are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly
in the meadows on the grass. He has got tail also, but not
like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the
other side. This is the cow."
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Date: 12 Apr 1994 14:04:39 -0800
From: "Marc Kenig" <marc_kenig@blyth.com>
Subject: Tech writing defined
In today's "Robotman" comic strip:
Guy walks up to Robotman: "A New Invention?" (staring at megaphone like
device)
Robotman: "I call it a 'Moron Translator'... It translates language
spoken by morons into the language of individuals and vice versa"
Guy (speaking into device): "What a load of crud!"
Device (translating): "It appears you have squandered your precious
talents on a product of dubious merit and application."
Robotman (speaking into device): "Your objection is duly noted. May I
suggest we agree to disagree?"
Device (translating): "Go to *#@$( you ugly )()(* son of a )(*)(**&"
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