[218] in Humor
HUMOR: Three Stories (true)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Apr 19 10:55:49 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 19 Apr 94 10:49:13 EDT
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Date: 29 Nov 93 10:50:10 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life B.B
This issue is just some funny stories
The first third is from Owen Rubin
The last two thirds is from John Mechalas
----------------------------------------------------
The following two stories are from Owen Rubin
From: djor!rubin@apple.com
--------------------------
I worked at a video game company and we had an anual convention in Chicago (an
operators show for coin operated equipment). We were setting up the
booth and noticed that no one had plugged in the video games. We also had
monitors we needed installed above each game so crowds could see the play. The
union people were to arrive at 6 PM the night before the show to do this. They
never arrived. At 10 PM we decided to install the equipment ourselves. We plugged
in the games (to plugs on the floor behind each game!) and we installed the
monitors from the floor into the pre-cut holes in the display. We ran the
video wires and were done in less than an hour.
The show starts at 10 AM the next morning. We were allowed in at 7 AM to
complete set up. In walks a few union people and get livid about our fully
working (to code) booth that they did not set up. The person fromt he game
company who was in charge of the show and the booth says that the bill for
all their work they did not do will be paid anyway, and asked the union person
to simply check out the work to be sure everything was ok.
They checked it out! Three guys came in, took down every monitor and unplugged
every game. The pulled down all the video leads. This took 20 minutes! Then
they proceeded to put it all back. It took them almost 2.5 hours, they had
3 more people than we did, and were there 3 hours total (we opened with them
still working on the displays). When done, several displays were not working,
some had the wrong video (from the wrong game). We were told that a repair
person would have to come and fix the problems. He did, several hours later
and took an hour plus to correct the problem.
The best part of all this was our bill. We complained that they held up our
opening and were not completed at the scheduled and agreed upon time. We
were given a 30% discount to the original bill!
Sure gald we have these unions to protect these workers and their money!
--------------------------
Ok, Allow me to add one more.......
While in college, I had the phone number (xxx)xxx-1800. This was
obviously a business number, no? Well, Bank of America was the
number (xxx)xxx-8100. You could bet your pay check that I would
receive several phone calls around 10 AM each weekday morning from
some irate bank customer just waiting for the bank to open. One morning...
1. 9:59 am
>ring-ring<
Me: Good Morning......
Voice (already yelling with much anger): Your damn bank has screwed my account
again and I'm....
Me: Excuse me please, I beleive....
Voice (more angry) LISTEN TO ME, I am telling you that you have messed with
my account again...
Me (a bit louder) Excause me....
Voice (now yelling VERY LOUDLY): LISTEN, IF YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN JUST...
Me: >click<
10:00 am
>ring-ring<
Me: Good Mor..
Voice (same as above, cutting me off, yelling again): HOW DARE YOU HANG UP
ME. I'M TRYING TO GET MY MONEY BACK......
(I listened without talking for several minutes, holding the phone away from
my ear.....)
Voice (finishing yelling a rather long description of some problem with her
checking and savings account..): ..SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT
IT?
Me: (trying to be nice, but rathered annoyed be now): "Excuse me lady, but
I have been trying to tell you that you have dialed the wrong numb...".
>click<
10:04 am
>ring-ring<
Me: Good morn.....
Voice (same lady, still angry, cutting me off again, YELLING: My ACCOUNTS
HAVE BEEN SCREWED UP BY YOUR BANK....... (the whole story again at the top
of her lungs).
(I tried several times to get her attention and realized that she was not
listening at all, so I let her once again finish her story by leaving the
phone on the table....)
Voice (finishing again): ..SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
Me: (I've had enough, yelling back): DAMN IT LADY, WE DON"T WANT YOUR DAMN
MONEY ANYWAY. PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE NOW!
>click<
The kicker in this whole (long) story is that I knew several people who
worked at this local branch of Bank of America. I told them this story
and they laughed, telling me that it didn't end with the calls. About
10:30 am that same morning, a woman stormed into the bank, yelling at the
top of her lungs about how insulted she was with the way this bank
had talked to her on the phone and her acconts had been screwed up
and she would not stand for such abuse. She wanted her accounts closed
immediatly. She was taking her money to a bank that would treat her right.
She closed her two accounts: Checking balance about $29. Savings balance
about $60. Seems she was upset that she was charged 10 cents for writing too
many checks on a limited type checking account. She did this every month,
they tried to get her to change her checking account type with no luck....
Think she is happy at Wells Fargo?
*SIGH*
----------------------------------------------------
The following events were recorded by:
mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu (John Mechalas)
From John:
Below is the entire list of everything I have posted/created to/for
alt.shenanigans. Pick and choose what you like. Each "shenanigan" is, as
the name implies, clean and harmless humor (not even "prank" status).
--------------------------
I was just sitting around yesterday, being bored, when I realized that
there was great potential for excitement right outside my very own window.
Thinking quickly (if I thought too slowly, I would have talked myself out of
it), I grabbed all the money I had on hand and went to the local grocery
store. Upon arrival, I purchesed all the duck I could find from the meats
section, and proceeded home with my prize.
I then spent a few minutes searching around campus for the ideal spot
for my brilliant idea. Finding a busy street corner (yes, we do have
streets in Indiana), I set myself up there and removed the birds from the
grocery sack.
When a pedestrian wandered by, I proceeded to throw the waterfowl
at them, and then scream at the top of my lungs, "DUCK!"
I thought it was hilariously funny, but nobody else seemed to
appreciate the joke.
--------------------------
Yes, once again I found myself sitting around tonight, bored almost to
tears, trying to find something to do. As usual when such moods hit
me, I picked up the remote control and began randomly flipping through
the television channels. Within minutes, the hint of an idea began to
form in my mind.
I turned off the television and grabbed a handful of change as I
headed out the door. My target: the local coffee shop where all the
employees and patrons take their jobs, and their coffe-drinking, so
seriously that humor is probably not in their dictionaries. Needless
to say, it was a perfect target.
On my way over, I stopped at the hardware store (yes, we do have hard-
ware stores in Indiana...gasoline, that is) and purchased a small can of
lighter fluid. It wasn't very high quality, but it would do. I then
proceeded to the cafe in question, and (hiding the oil can in my coat)
seated myself at one of the more centrally located tables (I wanted a
good seat).
The waitress came up to me, and with a stern, humorless look, asked:
"What would you like, sir?"
"A cup of coffee, please," I replied.
A few minutes later the coffee arrived (with the waitress, of course),
and as she turned and walked away from me, I quickly and quietly opened
up my oil and poured a small amount into the cup. I grabbed a nearby
match (everyone in a cafe seems to have a matchbook. I think it's a rule),
lit it, then dropped it into the cup.
With flames spurting out almost 3 inches above the rim of the
cup, I called the waitress over, and in a calm, rational voice said:
"Excuse me Miss, but my coffee's too hot."
--------------------------
There's nothing worse than working at the drive-up window in a fast-
food place. Needless to say, I was not amused.
"Yes, sir...I'd like...uh...uh......."
This was going to be a long evening. I could see it already.
"...uh... I think I'll have a hamburger, medium fries...and...uh..."
And it was getting longer.
"....and a chocolate milkshake. And I'd like that to go."
To go, huh? Hmm...not many people use the drive-up for an order in.
An idea began to form...maybe this wouldn't be such a dull eveing after all.
Working quickly, since all drive-up orders are supposed to be completed
within a certain amount of time (yes, we do have clocks in Indiana), I
assembled the drink, french fries, and hamburger in front of me and
waited for the car to pull around.
"That will be $2.94, sir."
He handed me the money and I gave him his change.
"There you are, sir." I said.
After placing his order on one of our "dining-in" trays, I opened
the window and began to hand it to him.
"Oh! I'm sorry, sir!" I said with a look of realization forming
on my face. "You wanted this TO GO...."
--------------------------
It was early in the evening, and I was walking around campus with
a good friend of mine. It just so happened that our trek took us past
one of the local copy centers, a large and busy outfit that is open 24
hours. As we walked by, a bright, neon sign that read "COLOR COPIES"
caught my eye.
I had an idea.
"What are you doing tonight?" I asked my friend.
"How late is 'tonight'?"
"Well...how about, say, 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning?"
His first answer was, regrettebly, unprintable...but with a little
effort I was able to convince him to help me carry out my plan.
We met at my place at about 2:15, and went over the details. At
2:30, I strolled over to the copy store, and went inside. Only one
person was working, and she seemed to be pretty busy, so the timing
was perfect.
I strolled up to the counter.
"I'd like color copies made of these, please."
She looked down at my papers and gave me a perplexed look. I was
holding several pie charts that had been copied on a plain old xerox
machine. They certainly weren't in color.
"But those are plain, black and white xerox copies. Why on Earth would you
you want to use the color copier for black and white copying??"
After a little arguing, I finally convinced her to use the color copier
to make copies of my charts, despite the fact that it would cost me more
than 9 or 10 times the price. I payed her the money up front, signalled my
friend just as she was loading the color copier, and he came in. He had a
"rush" job that he needed ASAP, and she set up the large copier while my
copies were being run off.
Acting quickly, I quietly removed a stack of color copies from my
backpack that my friend and I had had made earlier that evening at another
store. I ducked behind the counter, removed the black and white images
from the output tray of the color copier, and quicky replaced them with
the color ones.
When my friend's "rush job" was finished, the clerk went over to the
color copier, and removed the copies without looking at them. When she
got to the desk, she handed them to me.
"Is that what you wanted?" she asked.
I turned them over so that she could see the pie charts in all their
colorful splendor.
Her jaw dropped open in amazement.
"Damn!", I exclaimed, "These turned out better than I'd expected!"
--------------------------
I must admit that I can't take all the credit for this one. I got the
idea from a post on rec.humor where someone did something similar...
The usual disclaimers apply...
-----
Things had been pretty slow for the last couple of weeks, and I
was itching for some excitement. And, I was feeling a bit more cruel
than usual. I picked up the phone and called up a friend of mine.
"What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?" I asked her.
"Not much...what did you have in mind?"
"I need you to take a picture for me. I have an idea..."
After explaining my proposal, she agreed to help me out. We met the
following day in my room, and I set up my camera for her. I selected a
zoom lens, 70-300mm, and got out the tripod to hold everything steady.
When the proceeded to a local garden center/store.
I ran inside and went straight to herbal section, purchasing the
largest speciman of "Allium porrum" that I could find. I then returned
to the car, and my friend and I went to campus with our equipment in hand.
Sitting outside one of the engineering buildings, we waited for the
weekly shipment of Liquid Carbonic to arrive (we have more than corn in
Indiana). My friend set up the camera from across the road and zoomed
in on the driver. We could see the expressions on his face clearly.
Perfect.
While he and one of the building maintainance poeple were busy attatching
the hoses, I snuck up behind the truck, removed my herb from the bag, and
placed it in the maze piping adjoining the tanker.
Signaling my friend that I was ready, she focused the camera on the
area of the piping, anticipating the events to come. I then ran over to
the maintaince workers and exclaimed:
"There's a huge leek in the pipes!!!"
I ran out of site as they darted to the back of the truck. My friend
focused and zoomed the camera to get both of them in view as they
frantically searched the piping. When they found the leek, a look of
pure bewilderment came across their faces that was absolutely priceless.
*click*
The photo makes for a great memory, and every now and then she and I
like to pull it out, maybe tell the story to someone, and then smile.
- --------------------------
I admit that I haven't been very bored lately, even for being here in Indiana.
Probably due partly to all the work I have had to do, but mostly due to a
lack of inspiriation, and more to the point, a lack of time to think up an
inspiration. Or something like that...
But, while reading rec.humor, I was quite literally handed an idea on a
silver platter. And, being the kind of person who is not above "borrowing"
a good idea when I see one, I decided to take a short trip to the bank.
First, I had to find a cane or a crutch...not a trivial task by any means,
but one which I managed to work out, and within 10 minutes, I was on my
way to my bank, with said crutch in hand.
After finding a parking space, I casually walked up the door with the crutch
under my arm. I then set the crutch down so that I could lean on it, and
staggered through the door, exaggerating my motions as much as I could without
being repulsive.
I approached the teller, a young woman who looked like she had a sense
of humor. I leaned heavily on the crutch, projecting the illusion that I
was having a great difficulty in standing up. She looked up to me with a
puzzled look on her face and asked,
"Can I help you, sir?"
Leaning heavily to one side, I looked up and smiled.
"Yes, ma'am. I would like my balance please."
It was a simple joke, and one I didn't think up. But it sure left me
smiling, and the bank teller, too.
------- End of Forwarded Message
