[630] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 61.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Tue Oct 25 11:41:55 2005
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 25 Oct 2005 10:13:35 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 61.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
October 2005
Click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the Web:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter61.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 475,000 members. Each of you is so intelligently designed that you can survive a Category 5 hurricane via a process known as running away.
I’LL HAVE THE GOUT, PLEASE
==========================
It’s only natural to feel competitive with your siblings. I recall all of those Christmas mornings, as my brother and sister and I compared gifts to figure out which one of us was the least beloved. This was important information because we adjusted our levels of misbehavior to match the rewards. There’s no point in being extra good if the presents are just okay.
Mealtime was competitive too. The winner was the one who moved the greatest percentage of my father’s income through his or her digestive system. I was in my thirties before someone told me that eating is not a speed sport.
Now my siblings and I live in different parts of the country. Our competition hasn’t diminished. It just changed to a new category: health calamities. To win the competition, you need to boast the most painful and debilitating ailments, short of actual death, which would be considered unsportsmanlike. When one of us inherits a health problem from a parent it’s worth bonus points under the theory that you “got screwed on that one.”
So far, my brother is winning with the most imaginative set of maladies. If I open a round of complaining by ranting about my allergies, he tops me with his gout. If my sister has foot surgery, my brother experiences some form of temporary blindness.
The majority of our health problems are inherited. That makes the competition more interesting because every time one of our parents sees a doctor about a mysterious lump, we offspring know that one of us will be visited by a similar lump. For some mysterious and cosmic reason, the genetic defects are evenly distributed across siblings. We each get a third. But the distribution is not weighted by severity. A minor problem counts as much as a major one. That means that when one of my parents gets a relatively treatable health problem, say shingles, I find myself hoping I get it too. The theory is that if I get the kind of problem that hurts like crazy but goes away after a while, it decreases my odds of getting one of the permanent ones. But it’s a mixed emotion because I also want to win the pain competition. So I practice in advance how I will announce it to the family via e-mail: “Dear Family, AAAAGH!!! AAAAAGH!!! I want to die!!!”
Before you correct me, I know that shingles isn’t hereditary, but I’m highly suggestive, so it is for me.
MY OWN DILBERT BLOG
===================
When I see news stories about people all over the world who are experiencing hardships, I worry about them, and I rack my brain wondering how I can make a difference. So I decided to start my own blog. That way I won’t have time to think about other people.
People who are trying to decide whether to create a blog or not go through a thought process much like this:
1. The world sure needs more of ME.
2. Maybe I’ll shout more often so that people nearby can experience the joy of knowing my thoughts.
3. No, wait, shouting looks too crazy.
4. I know – I’ll write down my daily thoughts and badger people to read them.
5. If only there was a description for this process that doesn’t involve the words egomaniac or unnecessary.
6. What? It’s called a blog? I’m there!
The blogger’s philosophy goes something like this:
Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head.
The beauty of blogging, as compared to writing a book, is that no editor will be interfering with my random spelling and grammar, my complete disregard for the facts, and my wandering sentences that seem to go on and on and never end so that you feel like you need to take a breath and clear your head before you can even consider making it to the end of the sentence that probably didn’t need to be written anyhoo.
If that doesn’t inspire you to read my blog, I don’t know what will. You can find the Dilbert Blog at
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/
WEASEL POLL 2005
================
It’s time to vote for your favorite weasels of 2005. And when I say favorite, I mean the ones you would like to beat senseless with another weasel.
To vote, go to www.Dilbert.com. And by vote, I mean increase the odds that this unscientific poll will end up embarrassing the weasels you dislike the most.
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================
Here now, some quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives. Apparently the most confusing concepts for Induhviduals are anything involving body parts, beverages, food, or animals.
"It's so cold I'm getting goose nipples!"
“I'm as full of vinegar as a Christmas turkey.”
“You can stop kicking this dead whale down the beach and find another hobby horse to beat to death.”
"One man's trash is another man's garbage."
“I think I was speaking to Tom, and if it wasn't Tom I'm sure it was someone else.”
"Check the pulse on the temperature."
"He's making a mole hill out of an issue."
"Don't look at me in that tone of voice!"
"I home school three children and am expecting a forth!"
"This is the worst headache I've ever had in the history of my head."
"Imitation is the sincerest form of mockery."
"The squeaky wheel gets the worm."
"You're not the smartest peanut in the turd."
"I'd give an arm to be ambidextrous!"
LATEST DILBERT BOOK
===================
If you haven’t read the latest Dilbert compilation – THE FLUORESCENT LIGHT GLISTENS OFF YOUR HEAD – then you can’t claim to have done it all. That might not matter to you now, but someday, on your deathbed, you’ll wish you had spent less time with the family and more time reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?path=ASIN/0740751131&link_code=as2&camp=1789&tag=unitedmedia&creative=9325
UNFIT
=====
Several months ago I recommended a comic called UNFIT. New comics often take a year or more to find their voice. For example, you probably won’t see reruns of the first season of the Simpsons because it started out so primitively compared to what it evolved into. Dilbert didn’t crack more than a few dozen newspapers in its first year. Now it’s in over 2,000. I found my voice in the third year, thanks to lots of reader feedback. Pearls Before Swine started out three years ago as angry stick figures, essentially. Recently a critic compared it to Krazy Kat, one of the all-time greats in both art and writing. I agree completely. Peanuts and The Far Side also started slowly.
There are exceptions, of course. Calvin and Hobbes, and more recently Get Fuzzy took off quickly. Great artwork made those two features immediately popular. The writer-oriented comics take longer to get under your skin.
If you looked at UNFIT when I first recommended it, but not since then, take a look at the most recent month of strips at http://comics.com/comics/unfit/index.html.
I think he’s starting to find his voice. It’s fun to watch these things develop.
And if you haven’t seen Pearls Before Swine lately, you’re missing out.
http://comics.com/comics/pearls/index.html
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.
=
Our college just completed a new three-story building. While walking down a hall on the 2nd floor, I overheard two students say, “I really like the skylights on the 3rd floor.” “Me too,” remarked the second student. “I don’t know why they didn’t just put some on the 2nd floor too.”
=
My fiddle teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So you got it used?"
=
A few years back, I was in high school and we were celebrating Holy Week (the week before Easter) and we were watching a presentation on the last few days of Jesus. The teacher used a clip from the movie "Jesus of Nazareth" to make his point. As we were watching Jesus carry his cross, a girl in my class asked, "Is this live footage?”
=
I work as a computer technician for a large retail chain, servicing customer’s computers. One day I answer the phone, and the Induhvidual asks, “Do you guys sell Ethernet cables?” I said that we do, and he asks, “How much is it?” I asked, “How long do you want it?” He responded, “Um, a while I guess. I want to buy it.” I said, “No, I mean how long as in the length of the cable.” This elicited total silence on his end, so I informed him that we sell a 7-foot cable for $24.99. He asked, “When do I have to return it?” I told him to keep it as long as he likes.
=
My Kentuckian sister-in-law's young daughter recently married a Mexican immigrant. They promptly had their first child. Sometime after the birth, a doctor walked into the recovering mom's hospital room and mentioned that the baby's white blood cell count was high. My sister-in-law asked, "Does that mean she will be more white than Mexican?" This is a true story.
=
While waiting in line at the Delta Gate to get my seat assignment, I overheard an elderly lady in front of me trying to get a seat assignment. When the clerk asked if she wanted a window or aisle seat the old lady exclaimed "OH! Please don't put me by the window! I just had my hair done!"
=
While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how much later sunset was compared to my home in California. She said she was surprised, since we both lived the same distance from the ocean. I asked her what the distance from the ocean had to do with it. She said it was because that's where the sun sets.
=
My teacher was having a discussion with our class about what we did for Christmas. One guy said he got himself a deer when he went hunting. My teacher, the clever punster, said that he got a "dear" too, only this was the kind with TWO legs. The class laughed. Then one moron in back raised her hand and asked, "Did you shoot it anyway?"
=
A newly hired manager confessed that he was considering getting a second job in order to pay off his wife's huge cell phone bill. When asked why she went so far over her monthly time allocation, his response was that when she bought her cell phone, they told her that weekends and evening time was free. Since she works an odd schedule -- Sunday through Thursday -- she assumed that Fridays counted as her “weekend day.” So she used the phone the entire time as she drove to and from Las Vegas. (4 hours, each direction, at 45 cents per minute).
==
My husband is a police officer and was training some of his guys at the shooting range. They were hanging the paper targets when one guy said, "Hey, why don't we hang 3 at a time and just tear the top one off each time, that way we don't have to keep hanging them."
Ask Dogbert
============
Dogbert answers tough questions with tough love.
Dear Dogbert,
Every time I get a girlfriend she dumps me and dates one of my friends. Should I blame her, or my friends, or myself?
Sam
Dear Slime,
I recommend getting some friends who are even bigger losers than you. In your case, it means finding friends who routinely lose their girlfriends to telemarketers.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert
I tend to spit at random times while talking. Because of this I have very few friends what should I do?
Lydia
Dear Spitia,
Try talking to people who are on fire. They probably won’t notice the spitting so much, and if they do, they might appreciate it.
Sincerely
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert
I am going to write a song about not writing a song. Can you
give me a couple of ideas on what to write?
Jonathan
Dear Telethon,
You should write about what you know. That means your song will be an instrumental, assuming you know someone who can do that part for you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
Do you just randomly create questions and names so you
can make jokes that you wouldn't normally have the
opportunity to use?
Zach
Dear Placque,
Do I come to your workplace and accuse you of sweeping up French fries that aren’t really there?
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I think Scott Adams bares a striking resemblance to actor Ed Harris. How would I go about either killing one of them or fusing them together so that only one person in this world would look like that?
Sammy
Dear Spammy,
I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve been asked that question.
Every year Scott Adams and Ed Harris attend a convention of People With Skull-looking Heads. This year, Jeff Garcia will be the keynote speaker. Maybe you could kill a few of them, just to thin the herd, but you’d never get them all. I recommend learning to love that look.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I need to find a girlfriend, but I am very ugly. How can I find a girl that doesn't care how I look?
Ethan
Dear Heathen,
There are plenty of girls who value character above looks. They are called blind girls. And as Ed Harris well knows, it also helps to be rich.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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