[684] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 62.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Thu Nov 17 11:24:58 2005
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 17 Nov 2005 09:52:54 -0500
Dilbert Newsletter 62.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
November 2005
Click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the Web:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter62.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 476,000 members. Each one of you is so bright that your leading cause of death is moth related injuries.
SUPER POWERS
============
Do you ever have moments when you think you may have spontaneously developed a super power? This happens to me a lot. For example, the other day I heard some sounds in the distance and my first thought was I wonder if normal people can hear that? For some reason, I felt as though I had developed super hearing. I’m optimistic that way.
I also spend way too much time staring at objects and trying to make them burst into flames. I realize it’s a long shot, but how do your really know unless you try?
I grew up reading Superman and Spider-Man comics, so I take for granted that sooner or later I’ll have a freak accident that gives me a super power. It’ll hurt when it happens, for sure, but it will be worth it. I just hope it’s not a crappy super power, such as the ability to add long columns of numbers in my head, or the power to eat an unlimited amount of eggs. I want the kind where I can kill people and impress people and ultimately kill the people who refuse to be impressed. And the witnesses too, of course.
Apparently I’ll be quite busy. So if it’s not too much to ask, I’d also like a second freak accident that gives me the ability to secrete caffeine from my tonsils directly into my throat.
Hey, did you hear that?
FREE GOD’S DEBRIS E-BOOK
========================
Yup. No strings attached. Just follow the link below to download your free copy, in pdf format.
I’m giving it away because I found out that most people who read it end up either recommending it or buying the paper version as gifts for other people. Why not get a copy for your laptop, so you have something to read next time you’re traveling? You can’t beat free.
http://www.andrewsmcmeel.com/godsdebris/
ARE YOU READING THIS?
=====================
The problem with creating a newsletter targeted to the smartest people in the universe is that you have highly effective spam filters. I worry that even though I send this masterpiece to almost half a million DNRC members, only four or five of you are seeing it.
Do me a favor and let me know you’re reading this by clicking the link to my blog, thus registering a page view.
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/
This request is not (only) a clever trick to get people to look at the blog. I really need to know if the Dilbert Newsletter is being filtered into irrelevance.
I update the blog daily, or thereabouts, so I’m considering folding the Newsletter features into it. That way it’s always there for your convenience and not clogging up your mailbox. If you have a strong opinion why I shouldn’t do that, let me know at scottadams@aol.com.
WEASEL POLL 2005 RESULTS
========================
(You can skip this if you already saw it on the Dilbert Blog)
Behold the winners of the 2005 Weasel Poll on
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/shop/html/weasel_poll_results_2005.html
As you’ll see, Democrats can’t seem to win ANYTHING – not even the Weasel Poll. Thanks to a substantial block of non-US voters who are not fans of the American Way, the results are a sweep for all things held dear by Republicans and conservatives. Plus the Democrats haven’t actually done anything in the past year; it’s hard to win when you don’t play.
President Bush was a landslide winner for the Weaseliest Individual. I suspect that many Republicans voted for him by reflex. This is one of those cases where it pays to study the ballot a bit more carefully.
The biggest surprise to me was in the Weaseliest Behavior category where gas gouging lost out to advocating the teaching of Intelligent Design in schools. Apparently most people would rather be robbed than exposed to unproven ideas. This could be a valuable tool for muggers who don’t like guns. “Give me your wallet or else I’ll explain the concept of irreducible complexity!”
The United States (including Iraq) won again this year as Most Weasely Country. But by next year, Iraq will be a thriving democracy and all of the bad feelings will be a distant memory. I am confident that our efforts in Iraq will work because we’re employing a clever strategy that comedian Larry Miller describes as “driving around until people shoot at us.” How could that NOT work?
I hasten to remind you that the Weasel Poll is enthusiastically unscientific and thoroughly invalid. And it doesn’t reflect my views. I have no coherent political views of my own. The only thing that makes me special is that I’m aware of it.
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================
Here now, two quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives.
“This is an exam, not a time to be clever.”
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner!”
HOLIDAY SHOPPING MADE EASY
==========================
No one ever received a Dilbert calendar and said, “What does this mean? Do you hate me???”
Okay, maybe a few people. But they were CEOs, so no one really cares.
If you know anyone who works with technology, or works in a cubicle, it’s a safe bet that he or she will be happier receiving a Dilbert calendar than clothing or accessories of similar monetary value.
For your shopping convenience, here are some links to Dilbert stuff (calendars, books, etc.) that will save you some time.
My newest Dilbert book, THRIVING ON VAGUE OBJECTIVES
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?path=ASIN/0740755331&link_code=as2&camp=1789&tag=dilbertcom-20&creative=9325
2006 Dilbert Calendars
Day to Day Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?path=ASIN/0740753029&link_code=as2&camp=1789&tag=dilbertcom-20&creative=9325
Wall Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?path=ASIN/0740752863&link_code=as2&camp=1789&tag=dilbertcom-20&creative=9325
Mini Wall Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?path=ASIN/0740752820&link_code=as2&camp=1789&tag=dilbertcom-20&creative=9325
Desk Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?path=ASIN/0740752367&link_code=as2&camp=1789&tag=dilbertcom-20&creative=9325
Other Great Dilbert Stuff
http://www.cafepress.com/dilbert
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Normally I would include in this section all of the tales of Induhviduals reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field. Today I have only one, because after this one, nothing else will seem Induhvidually enough:
--
One of my co-workers (who is originally from Arkansas, just FYI) told me one day that he knew for a fact that sex feels better for women than it does for men. I asked, "How do you figure that?" His reply was (and I am not making this up!), "Because when you put your finger in your ear and wiggle it around, it feels better to your ear than it does to your finger."
Ask Dogbert
============
Dogbert answers tough questions with tough love.
Dear Dogbert,
Where’s the best place to take a vacation?
Barb
Dear Burp,
I recommend France. But hurry, while there’s still something left to burn. Bring your lighter, gasoline, and lots of oily rags. If you tell airport security that you’re heading for France, they’ll wave you through.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
How can I avoid getting bird flu?
Eric
Dear Error,
Your best bet is to avoid intimate physical contact with anything that has feathers. And that means your Dukes of Hazard pillow case has got to go.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I keep forgetting where I left my keys. Do you know where I can get some stem cells to fix that?
Nate
Dear Nut,
I recommend having a baby. They’re noisy, but an excellent source of spare parts. Just don’t get greedy. If you space it out, they won’t even notice what’s missing. And whatever you do, don’t teach them to talk. That’s just asking for trouble.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Marty
Dear Barfy,
God loves you. Unfortunately, the alien overlords who put you on this planet are using you to test cosmetics.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
Are golfers athletes?
Ned
Dear Nerd,
Yes, in the same way that moss is salad.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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