[60] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 45.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Wed Dec 11 17:20:45 2002
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 2002 17:22:23 -0500 (EST)
From: "Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com>" <dailycomic#2.31386.363837363936.1@umsan1.unitedmedia.com>
To: dilbert-redist@mit.edu
Dilbert Newsletter 45.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Holiday Sunshine"
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: December 2002
DNRC Progress Toward Total World Domination
-------------------------------------------
Many of you 640,000 members of DNRC have asked when we'll be
conquering the planet and making all the non-members (the so-called
In-duh-viduals) our domestic servants. I'm happy to report that
China has already been taken over by DNRC. The media recently
revealed that all nine members of the new Chinese Politburo
Standing Committee are engineers by training. And that means
they're reading the Dilbert Newsletter right now. (Hi guys!)
You can tell when a country has been conquered by DNRC because
their leaders tend to wear Wally-like glasses, and pants that don't
reach their shoes. And still they are inexplicably attractive.
Dogbert's Holiday Gift Guide
----------------------------
A gift sends an important message. As a public service, Dogbert has
translated some gift ideas into their matching messages so you can
choose properly. You'll notice that some gifts are highly flexible
and send more than one message.
Gift Item Message
----------------------------- ---------------------------
Dilbert book: "Dilbert and I like you as much as
the Way of the Weasel" I like myself, only less.
Dilbert book: "Dilbert and You're a huge, clueless
the Way of the Weasel" weasel and you don't realize
I'm mocking you with this
gift.
Dilbert book: "Dilbert and I want to make passionate
the Way of the Weasel" love to you. If I'm not
there in five minutes, start
without me.
Huge diamond The bookstore was out of
Dilbert books.
To get your Dilbert book, run to your local bookstore or buy
online:
From Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060518057/newsletter1-20
From Barnes & Noble:
http://service.bfast.com/bfast/click?bfmid=2181&sourceid=39361975&bfpid=0060518057&bfmtype=book
DNRC Witticisms
---------------
Here are some actual witticisms perpetrated by the oh-so-clever
members of DNRC.
--
A store clerk asked for my zip code, apparently as part of their
market research. Rather than just saying, "No," I told the young
Induhvidual at the cash register that it was unlisted. The
Induhvidual looked at me with obvious confusion and said, "I didn't
know that you could do that."
I replied, "Of course, but like telephone numbers, it costs extra."
I looked back as I was leaving, and observed the Induhvidual still
lost in thought, and the next customer impatiently waiting for
service.
--
I had a few Sacagawea gold dollar coins that I wanted to get rid of
so I used them at the Wal-Mart to pay for part of my order. The
cashier looked at them, puzzled, and asked what they were. I told
her that they were the new dollar coins. She replied, "Are you
sure?" I told her yes, I was sure that they were money. "Alright
then, if you say so," she said, and took them.
Next week I'm planning to pay for my entire grocery trip with
buttons and rocks.
--
One time I asked my sister what she did at work. She said, "I just
sit there and look pretty." Her (ex)husband replied, "No wonder you
always come home so tired."
[Editor's note: I don't even know what that means, but it's still
funny.]
True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are some true quotes from Induhviduals, as submitted by the
attractive and brilliant members of DNRC.
--
"I may not be the brightest light in...the...light drawer!"
"The ball is in the other person's lap."
"That report reads like a bleached whale."
"That really burns my goat!"
"He had the eyes of a bat."
"A little hindsight is forethought."
"I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today."
"I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime."
"I won't cow-tail to anyone."
"She exaggerates EVERYTHING."
"That's going to be the gravy on the cake!"
"The Albatross of Damocles is hanging over your neck."
"There's more than one way to lick a cat."
"They've dumped you in the briar patch and told you to sink or
swim."
"We have to make sure we're all swimming on the same page."
"We've got a cash cow that's turning into a dog that needs
milking."
Getting Signed Dilbert Books
----------------------------
If you live in the San Francisco East Bay, or you know someone who
does, I'm happy to sign Dilbert books that you leave at my
restaurant in Dublin. Just leave a note with the book and give me a
few days before you pick it up. I'm there regularly. It's called
Stacey's at Waterford, located at 4500 Tassajara Road in Dublin,
near Highway 580. Phone: 925-551-8325.
Please DON'T MAIL anything to that location for signature. Walk-ins
only. Anything snail-mailed will be donated to charity.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here are some true tales of Induhviduals as reported by DNRC
members.
--
A friend was sitting in history class at his university, waiting
for the professor to arrive. He heard a guy behind him talking to
one of his friends, saying, "Hey, I wonder if Christmas would ever
fall on Friday the 13th."
--
We upgraded everyone in the office to Microsoft Office XP, and
since then a particular In-duh-vidual has blamed the upgrade for
everything that has gone wrong with her computer. She even accused
the software upgrade of shortening her mouse cord. It turns out she
just got new bifocals and was sitting farther from her computer
than usual.
--
I asked my manager, "What is Karen's last name?" My manager
replied, "Karen who?"
--
I was forced to attend a seminar on leadership. We were broken into
small groups and each was asked to state what skills a good leader
possesses. I wrote, "Needs to be good with elephants and crossing
Alps." The others at my table were amused, but the seminar
coordinator didn't get it. I said it was a reference to Hannibal,
known for his leadership qualities. Her reply: "What leadership
qualities? He was a cannibal, and anyway, it was lambs, not
elephants."
--
I was on the phone asking directions on how to get to an
Induhvidual's business:
Me: I'll be driving on I-95. Is your company east
or west of the interstate?
Induhvidual: It depends on which direction you're driving.
--
I work at a large hospital. A few years ago, an employee dressed
as Mrs. Santa and visited the children's ward. Unfortunately, this
was the day she was downsized. She returned to work where she was
summoned to the VP of Operations, who gave her the news that her
services were no longer needed. She packed her desk and left the
building, still in costume.
--
My team was giving a demo of the latest version of our software to
the visiting French upper management team. One of the French
executives asked if a particular feature was implemented according
to the specifications. I replied, "Yes, well, at least according to
the spec du jour." We had a good chuckle, then my boss looked right
at the French executive and said, "That means 'of the day.'"
Did I mention that our visitors were from France?
--
Overheard in an elevator:
Induhvidual 1: "Wow, it's going to be 24 degrees tonight.
That's sub-zero!"
Induhvidual 2: "It's below sub-zero!"
Induhvidual 1: "That's what sub-zero means: below zero."
--
Seen next to a water dispenser with a large jug of bottled water:
"Employees are forbidden to use the bottled water to make coffee."
So it's okay to just DRINK the water, but if you have the audacity
to run it through a bunch of coffee grounds and THEN drink it,
you're in a world of hurt.
--
The day before the latest stamp price hike, a cow-orker announced
she was going to the post office to stock up on stamps before they
raised the prices. Note: she just completed her MBA.
--
My university just published a new class schedule. There isn't
enough room on the schedule for full names so we end up with
interesting abbreviations. I was looking through the Psychology
section, when I noticed a course that I assume is really
Psychological Assessment II. But it was listed as "Psycho Asses
II."
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too polite to
answer myself. The names have been changed to make them funnier.
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
My little brother was reading your Weasel book and shot soda out of
his nostrils. I was wondering how many Dilbert books he would have
to read before I could use him as a jet pack to fly around the
neighborhood.
Sincerely,
Heath
Dear Heathen,
It's not the quantity of Dilbert books that matters so much as the
rate at which you read them. I recommend forcing your little
brother to take a speed-reading course. Then hand him a liter of
Pepsi, strap yourself to his back, and reach in front of him with
the Dilbert book. If you start to lose altitude, turn the pages
faster. If you run out of Pepsi while airborne, quickly put your
brother to sleep and slip his hand into a bucket of warm water. It
won't help, but you'll have a good laugh on the way to your death.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
Where do all of your ideas come from?
Nathan
Dear Nothin,
Mr. Adams gets most of his ideas while in the shower. The bathroom
door is closed when it happens, so there are two possible sources.
Either the ideas are contained in the clean, chlorinated water that
comes from the showerhead, or they emanate from the public sewer
system and waft up through the drain. Judging from the quality of
Mr. Adams' ideas, I think we can rule out the showerhead.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
Do you plan to retire soon, like Gary Larson, Bill Watterson, and
Berke Breathed? What's up with you cartoonists anyway - are you
lazy?
Sincerely,
Bobby,
Dear Booby,
Mr. Adams is indeed lazy, but he assures me that he will not retire
soon unless he is disappointed in the sales of his latest book.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
You have sunk to new lows in trying to promote your new Weasel
book! First you promise that Dilbert will get lucky if you make the
NY Times top 5, and now you threaten to retire if people don't buy
your book! Wait a minute... How did I know you threatened to
retire? That letter is appearing at the same time as mine. Ohmygod!
You must have invented this fake letter to Dogbert too! That means
I don't exist. AAAAAGH!!!!
Sincerely,
( )
Holiday E-cards
-------------------------
Send the holiday version of the weasel rap, or the new, improved,
"12 Months of Christmas" card, now with music!
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/e_greetings/index.html
Holiday Screensaver
------------------------
Dilbert and the dancing weasels will make your computer festive
when you download this free screensaver. It's a special holiday
bonus for DNRC members.
http://www.dilbert.com/DilbertSofiScreensaver/DilbertPasswordLoginPage
Holiday Wallpaper
-----------------------
Dilbert plays Santa while Dogbert dreams of world domination:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/desktop_diversions/html/wallpaper.html
Dilbert Store
-------------
Until Friday, December 13th, the Dilbert Store is offering a flat
$5 standard shipping rate on orders for clothing, prints, clocks,
calendars, mouse covers, cell phone covers and cling sticker
mousepads.
http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=dilbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter won't
bounce it back.
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