[59] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 44.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Mon Nov 25 17:27:49 2002
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2002 17:29:14 -0500 (EST)
From: "Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com>" <dailycomic#2.30303.8f-gGHT1mbKwfdR.1@umsan1.unitedmedia.com>
To: dilbert-redist@mit.edu
Dilbert Newsletter 44.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: November 2002
DNRC Progress Toward Total World Domination
-------------------------------------------
There are 632,000 DNRC members. Each of you is so brilliant you
could attach electric cables to your skull and power a small city.
But I don't recommend it.
Leadership
----------
Lately, reporters keep asking for my views on leadership. I tell
them that there are two credible theories of leadership. I will
summarize them here:
(1) The Popular Theory of Leadership
------------------------------------
Blah, blah, blah, who cares, etc.
(2) My Theory of Leadership
------------------------------
Leadership is a huge weasel scam.
You might have noticed that most CEOs are not eager to work for
companies that are already in the crapper and rotating clockwise.
That's puzzling, because you would think that a confident CEO who
believed in the power of his own leadership skills would prefer a
challenge -- something with more of an upside potential. But it
seems that given the choice between a hard job, like CEO of Bob's
Pastry and Muffler Shop, or something easy, like CEO of General
Electric, most leaders will opt for the position that could be
handled equally well by a sock monkey.
If you replaced all of the CEOs of the Fortune 500 companies with
Magic 8 Balls (tm), and came back in five years, you would discover
that some of those companies had compiled excellent track records
by pure chance. The CEO's job in a huge company is essentially the
same as the Magic 8 Ball: saying yes, no, or maybe, without the
benefit of understanding the questions. A Magic 8 Ball is highly
qualified for that sort of work.
Recently I heard an interview that CNBC did with Lou Gerstner. He
said his biggest contribution as CEO at IBM was changing its
culture. His example of how he changed the culture is that when he
came into the job there was a lot of talk about breaking up the
company into smaller companies; he decided not to do that. In other
words, his biggest contribution to IBM was NOT DOING SOMETHING.
Then he wrote a best-selling book about his leadership. The Magic 8
Ball would have had a 50% chance making the same decision; a sock
monkey would have nailed it on the first try.
One more thing: If leadership involved skill, wouldn't we only need
one book to describe it?
Should Dilbert Get Lucky?
-------------------------
There's been a lot of clamoring lately for Dilbert to end his long
unlucky streak with women and -- how should I say this? -- get his
necktie straightened.
I've decided to leave that decision to you.
Here's the deal: If my new hardcover book, Dilbert and The Way of
the Weasel, makes it to the top five of the New York Times
best-seller list, then I'll arrange for Dilbert to reach the
promised land.
That's right: I'm willing to sacrifice my artistic integrity, and
sell Dilbert's body, to get the job done. It's called "marketing,"
and no one said it would be pretty.
So if you're planning on getting the book anyway, or hoping to
convince some sucker to buy it for you, your best strategy is to do
it within the next week so all the DNRC activity hits at about the
same time. You can watch the Amazon.com rankings starting on the
day this newsletter arrives to see how it's going.
From Amazon.com...
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060518057/newsletter1-20
From Barnes & Noble...
http://service.bfast.com/bfast/click?bfmid=2181&sourceid=39361975&bfpid=0060518057&bfmtype=book
Running Water
-------------
Is there an Induhvidual in your house who doesn't understand that
when you're using a sink you can't hear conversation directed at
you from another room? If so, try this little speech.
My Running-Water Speech:
"I can hear a vague buzzing sound that I believe is you, trying to
talk to me from another room while I am using the sink. Believe it
or not, the physics of sound have not changed that much since the
last fifty times you tried unsuccessfully to yak at me from another
room while I was using the sink. Tomorrow, when you try again, I
will still not be able to hear you over the sound of running water
in the sink."
You'll find that this speech makes the house a lot quieter. Try it
at home and see for yourself. In fact, just writing this newsletter
and leaving it up on my computer screen made things pretty quiet
around here.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here are some true tales of Induhviduals as reported by DNRC
members.
--
A cow-orker related an experience that she had at another company
last year where she was a supervisor. The company encouraged
employees to wear costumes to work on Halloween. So last Halloween
she was mortified to be ordered to lay off some of her employees,
while dressed as a clown.
--
I was complaining about being bored by a repetitive project, and I
made a comment about wishing I had a book-on-tape. My co-worker
looked at my blankly and asked, "What do you need to know about
tape?"
--
Seen on a resume: "I am an expert poofreader."
--
I have a high-school pottery class. One morning, a fellow student
sat down at his pottery wheel and complained that someone left it
all messy. He failed to understand that every student has his own
exclusive wheel assigned to him, and he was looking at his own mess
from the previous day.
At the end of class, he started to get up, and I reminded him that
he was supposed to clean up after himself. He said, "I'm going to
leave it as a lesson to whoever did it to me that they're supposed
to clean up their own mess!"
--
A few years ago, my wife quit her job to be a stay-at-home mother.
Before she quit she offered to work part time. Two bosses took her
to lunch to discuss this possibility. During the lunch one boss
looked at her and said, "But you're working so hard already. I
don't understand how you'll be able to do all your work in half the
time."
--
A former boss of mine was collecting contributions for
a political cause. One day we found him making photocopies of $5,
$10 and $20 bills, front and back. When questioned, he said, "My
accountant told me to make copies of everything, for tax purposes."
I tried to explain that his accountant was only referring to
receipts and deposit slips, but he could not be dissuaded.
--
At a restaurant, my slightly toasted friend was inspired to order
fried mushrooms, an item not found on the menu. The server,
resembling the one exasperated by Jack Nicholson's character in
"Five Easy Pieces," tried to resist taking the special order. She
finally gave in to my friend's disjointed insistence and recorded
his detailed instructions for preparing the mushrooms.
Weeks later, we returned to the restaurant, equally toasted, and
spring-loaded to order the mushrooms again. The very same server
came to take our order.
My friend, a bit flustered at the prospect of providing a long
explanation, said, "Hi, uh, we're the mushroom people."
The server replied with cold satisfaction: "Yes, I thought so."
--
I showed a cow-orker the cartoon of "Dogbert the Investment Banker"
from the week of October 21st
(http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/1021.html).
This was part of the conversation:
Cow-orker : You'd think he would, like, catch on about the dog by
now.
DNRC Member: It's a cartoon.
Cow-orker: Well, in that case, it loses the realism of the thing. I
mean, like, how dumb are we supposed to think that guy is? If a dog
tried to consult with me more than once I would, like, recognize
it.
--
I'm in college, and a good friend of mine had come over to my dorm
to study for a test with me. An environmental group had put up
fliers in my hall that read, "One American uses as much energy per
year as 250,000 Ethiopians." My friend read this, looked at me
indignantly, and said, "Well, what do they want us to do? Just
stand still or something?"
On a related note, she is in the honors program at my school.
--
I always knew that my cow-orker, Bob, was the boss's pet, but it
really hit home one day when Bob and I were working together in my
office. The boss called:
Me: Hello
Boss: Is that you, Bob?
Me: No, it's Doug.
Boss: Oh Doug, you're just the one I want to talk to.
Me: That's great, boss, what's up?
Boss: Where's Bob?
--
I was giving holiday dates to an Induhvidual to enter into his
electronic diary. I said, "Good Friday, 29th March," to which he
replied, "And what day of the week is that?"
--
I was talking with a person who runs an IT consulting company about
including a list of assumptions in a presentation. She disagreed
with including the assumptions, saying, "Making an assumption is
something completely different than assuming something. Assumptions
are conclusions, and assuming is a pre-conclusion. I don't think
you can say that something is an assumption when you've assumed
it." THAT'S VERBATIM.
--
An air-conditioning manufacturer recently introduced a new line of
diffusers (the thing in the ceiling that air comes out of),
specifically for prisons, that has "anti-suicidal" features. In
the write-up, they state the reasons why this is a good thing:
"Suicide takes a toll on facility administration by wasting time
and money combating negligence claims. Suicide also increases
facility staff stress and decreases morale."
--
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided
that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two
shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one
accomplished.
The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the
next shift than to make more paper. Cow-orkers put glue in locks,
loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The
bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all-out
civil war.
--
I would like to make a nomination for the most demeaning job title
in the workplace. At my local supermarket there are signs
informing customers that a "Checkout Captain" is available to help
them pack their groceries.
[Editor's note: I'm glad it's a captain, because I wouldn't want
their privates to touch my food.]
--
My cow-orker complained to her son's football coach because he put
her son on the "special teams." She told the coach that her son
might be slow but was not mentally challenged and deserved to play
with all the other boys.
--
During a workshop we were invited to tell the audience about our
personal projects. A cow-orker said that he intended to go trekking
in Tibet. The moderator asked him whether he planned to see the
Dalai Lama, which is clueless enough. But my colleague topped it,
saying, "Sure I will, and maybe even climb it."
My New Restaurant
-----------------
People often ask why I got involved in the restaurant business. I
consider that a subset of the larger puzzle: Why do I do ANYTHING I
do?
I mean, I don't even know why I have a favorite color, or why it
feels so good when I gently tug on my eyebrows. My life is a
tapestry of confused wonder.
Anyway, I opened my second restaurant last week, thanks to my
talented business partner, Stacey Belkin. It's called Stacey's at
Waterford, in Dublin, California. It's California cuisine, with a
vegetarian section, of course.
(925-551-8325) or staceys@waterford.com.
Signs of Induhviduality
---------------------------
Induhviduals continue to post signs. Here are some recent
sightings.
--
A local business says on the building, "AUTO GLASS SPECIALISTS. At
night, all that lights is "ASS SPECIALISTS."
--
I was staying at a hotel near the red-light district in Amsterdam.
There was a sign on the door of our hotel room with information
about the hotel and lots of disclaimers. In particular, it said:
"This hotel is not responsible for loss of values."
--
True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes from Induhviduals, most from the mouths
of managers. The key points are that people don't know what a
"craw" is, and it's bad to be a horse.
"That really burns my craw!"
"Don't bite the gift horse."
"That makes the hair on the back of my neck really stick in my
craw."
"Never screw a gift-horse in the mouth."
"He's trying to pull the buffalo over our eyes."
"I've got a real beef to grind with that guy."
"A penny saved is worth two in the bush."
"He opened up that can of worms, let him swim in them."
"I don't know about him, but it's completely win-win for me."
"I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."
"Please don't leave me out with the wolves to dry!"
"I have ears like a hawk."
"We don't want to go at it like a wild bull in Chinatown."
"We shoot ourselves in the wrong feet sometimes."
"You gotta walk with your pants on."
"Layoffs are extremely difficult for all of us -- especially those
at risk of losing their jobs."
"We better cover our ass and put it on their heads."
At a meeting, my director wanted to bring up an off-the-point
topic. To preface his remark he said, "I don't want to open up a
red herring here." When I told him that I was going to write that
down and submit it to you, he said, "You're a piece of cake, Bob."
"Sometimes you've just got to grab the cow by the tail and face the
music."
"I don't know what else I can do...my shoes are tied."
"Sounds like we're swimming an uphill battle."
"Get on with the bandwagon, or get out of the pot." "You're
opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."
"Don't cry wolf until it's soup...and it's not soup yet."
"Our product will eat the pants off the competition!"
"Utopia? What's that, a country?"
"Let's all corrugate over here to view the artist's contraception
of our new building."
"If you're sick, you'd better not come in. I don't want you to
start an academic."
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too polite to
answer myself. The names have been changed to make them funnier.
--
Dear Mr. Adams,
I read comedian Bill Maher's new book and he says if we reduced our
oil consumption by less than 3% we wouldn't need any oil from
countries that support terrorism! Please ask your readers to use
less energy.
Monty
--
Dear Monkey,
Someday we really must get together and compare our Nobel Prizes in
economics. It seems to me that if we use 3% less oil, the evil
oil-producing countries will raise prices to make up the
difference, and they'll be able to fund terrorism a few more years
before running out of oil. Therefore, if you're not already driving
an SUV, the terrorists have won.
Okay, okay, there are plenty of good reasons to conserve energy,
such as saving the environment. I'm just saying there are two
things you can't learn from Bill Maher: 1) Advanced economics as it
relates to geopolitical power, and 2) Hairstyle.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter won't
bounce it back.
Dilbert Clocks
--------------
New in the Dilbert.com store, battery-operated wall clocks are
available in two designs:
http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=dilbert.27113
For a limited time, all orders qualify for a flat $5 shipping fee.
Weasel Merchandise
------------------
Add weasel-crossing mugs and T-shirts to your shopping cart, or
choose prints and clothing with weasel-themed strips, and take
advantage of flat-fee shipping of $5. Mugs are $2 off until
December 2nd.
http://www.cafeshops.com/cp/store.aspx?s=dilbert.10226
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