[89] in bcs-newton
Newton Product Annoucements
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jim Rinaldo)
Fri Apr 2 14:55:27 1993
Date: Fri, 02 Apr 93 14:33:22 EST
From: bcs_jim@MIT.EDU (Jim Rinaldo)
To: bcs-newton@world.std.com
Sorry I got this up a little late; I also appologize to those who read
this, because I too hate cross-posting. From comp.sys.palmtops Usenet
group.
Article 5870 (216 more) in comp.sys.palmtops:
From: ds@netcom.com (David Schachter)
Subject: New from Newton!
Date: 29 Mar 93 02:28:02 GMT
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services (408 241-9760
guest)
Lines: 80
Faroujda, California (AP), 27-Mar-93: Apple Computer Company today
announced the next exciting development in its Newton line of Personal
Digital Assistants, the new Newton Tote Bag, first in a line of
advanced, high-performance carrying peripherals for the Newton Computer,
scheduled to be announced in 1987, delivered in 1997, and usable in
2007.
Said Apple Newton manager Joe "Figleaf" Phlebotomy, "We at Apple have
decided that a Personal Digital Assistant isn't really useful without a
Personal Digital Assistant Carrying System and the Newton Tote Bag is
our way of staking a claim to this virgin territory." [[See related
story-- Apple Manager Arrested for Staking Virgins.]]
The Newton Tote Bag is made of hypoxia nylon and reinforced with
carbon-fiber diptheria. It comes in black, brown, chartreuse, singapore
sunset saffron, and mildew, and will retail for a suggested list price
of US$1075.
Said Maxine Throttlebottom, Apple Director of Carrying System
Technology, "the Newton Tote Bag addresses the major market of people
who want to look stylish while spending lots of money."
Michael Mouse, of Pen Isenvy Research, a market research firm for the
pen industry, commented "The Newton Tote Bag is a watershed product, the
first tote bag for the rest of us." He claimed that Apple is likely to
get the bulk of the early Tote Bag market, until industry giant IBM
wakes up.
Mouse said, "All I get out of IBM lately is 'Have a Triscuit cracker--
they're crunch-licious.' Between that and the acquisition of Pepsi by
Apple, I just don't understand the industry anymore." [[See related
story-- Max Factor Acquires Digital Equipment Corporation,
Colgate/Palmolive Merges With Hewlett Packard, Wang is Acquired by
Douche Maker Vasengil.]]
At the same time, Apple announced thirty six new Macintoshes, bringing
the total number of Macintosh variants to six hundred eighty three, as
part of its "One person, one kind of computer" program. [[See related
story-- Sun Microsystems Announces it is Putting All Its Arrowheads
Behind Ken Olsen.]]
Apple spokesperson Merle Vulgarinki said "It but we and the then, with
some this of we at some Republican." [[See related story-- Apple Hires
San Francisco Mayor's Press Secretary, Sales of Grammar Checkers
Double.]] Vulgarinki continued, "Just as we put the 'ewto' in Newton,
so we are putting Macintoshes everywhere the sun shines and particularly
where it doesn't."
MacSpeak Magazine will be covering the new Macintoshes extensively in a
special 693 page edition to be mailed this week. The report is titled
"New Macintosh models: the best computer ever possible under any
conditions whatsoever from now 'til the end of time, bar none, with no
exceptions, but we are objective journalists so we'll find fault with
something minor like the shape of the lower-case umlaut in the German
translation of the registration card but actually we love everything
Apple has ever done and it's great and superb and they should be
canonized or elected President-for-Life and Scully is a God among men."
[See related story-- Journalists Frothing At Mouth Over New Macintoshes;
Ken Olsen Suspected of Spiking the Free Refreshments.]]
The new Macintoshes and the Newton Tote Bag are expected to be the
centerpiece of Apple Chairperson John Sculley's appearance on ABC's Good
Mordig Aberika (I have a cold) television program this week. It is
rumored Sculley may upstage himself by showing the next step in Newton's
evolution: Newton Action Figures by Mattel and Barbie's Newton from
Hasbro. ABC, recently purchased by Intel Corporation from petty cash,
is reportedly under pressure to cancel the appearance because the
Macintosh doesn't use Intel processors.[[See related story-- "Macintosh Not Fit to Carry VMS' Jockstrap" Says Ken Olsen.]] [[See related story-- Intel Buys Zimbabwe, Swaziland, Nambibia, Because "We Like Their Names," Says Deceased Intel Founder.]]
Sculley is also expected to announce that he has been nominated for
sainthood by David Koresh. Anonymous sources point out that Sculley and
Koresh have never been seen together and are of similar height and
weight.
Said fictional television reporter Corky Sherwood, "They look a lot
alike. I've been helping the FBI sketch artist and I'm starting to
wonder just how different they are." [[See related story-- Cult Leader
Used VMS to Stay Ahead of Authorities Says Ken Olsen.]]
###
Apple Computer Company is a public relations firm with a large
manufacturing subsidiary. Apple stock is traded on the NYAHHNYAHHSDAC
under the symbol HYPE. [[See related story-- Apple Announces New Apple
II Computer, the April One.]]
Nothing in this article is true. It is entirely fabricated, without
merit, and less probable than, say, for people to get food poisoning at
Sizzler.
____________________________________-____________________________________
David Schachter Internet: ds@netcom.com
801 Middlefield Road, #8 CompuServe: 70714,3017
Palo Alto, CA 94301-2916 After 10 am, voice: +1 415 328 7425
USA fax: +1 415 328 7154
Jim R.
