[999] in Humor
HUMOR: Interview Q & A
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Aug 4 18:14:05 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 04 Aug 1995 18:10:15 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 04 Aug 1995 18:10:19 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS FOR JOB-JOCKS
As we are all learning by now, different firms have different
personalities, different needs and want to hear different
answers to the same questions. In preparing for an interview,
it is always best to have thought through some of the questions
and formulated the answers to the more traditional (and banal)
questions asked by recruiters. It is wise to keep in mind that
they are looking for consistency in answers, patterns of success
and an indication that you will fit their needs. Thus, in an
effort to help our readers develop their own answers (lies), we
have prepared reasonable responses to some standard questions
asked by some unreasonable, if standard, firms. We hope they
will help you in your job search.
Question: What excites you most in life?
Morgan Stanley: Wearing a three piece suit.
General Foods: The idea of spending my life in Minneapolis.
Citibank: Being one of 10,000 MBA's at Citibank.
Booz, Allen & Hamilton: The idea of spending half my life in an airplane.
Question: Where do you want to be in five years?
Morgan Stanley: Senior partner.
General Foods: Product manager of Twixie-Dixies.
Citibank: One of 10,000 MBA's at Citibank.
B,A&H: In an airplane.
Question: What is your greatest accomplishment?
Morgan Stanley: I am my father's son.
General Foods: I once sold 10 boxes of Grape-Nuts to
a toothless grandmother.
Citibank: I was a juice-man for the Mafia.
B,A&H: I once worked 107 hours in one week.
Question: Why should we hire you?
Morgan Stanley: I'm Stanley's grandson.
General Foods: I am the best of the 10 marketing students at Stanford.
Citibank: 1) I'm an MBA.
2) I know George Parker.
3) I'm a friend of George Parker.
4) George Parker admires me.
B,A&H: I am going for a record of 110 hours worked in one week.
Question: Why do you want to join our company?
Morgan Stanley: See above.
General Foods: I can't imagine spending the rest of my whole
life selling soap!
Citibank: I want to experience an MBA asssembly line firsthand.
B,A&H: I view your company as being one within which I can be
reasonably assured of achieving such a record.
Question: What is your greatest strength?
Morgan Stanley: The fact that I have no weaknesses.
General Foods: I like junk food.
Citibank: I am an MBA.
B,A&H: I would rather work than have sex.
Question: What is your greatest weakness?
Morgan Stanley: I am sometimes troubled at the idiotic
jealousy of my inferiors.
General Foods: I have rotten teeth.
Citibank: I am an MBA.
B,A&H: (Draw a blank.)
Question: What do you feel is most important to
success in our firm?
Morgan Stanley: The fact that I am Stanley's grandson.
General Foods: The real question is, "Can you sell Jell-O?"
Citibank: A small ego.
B,A&H: A large suitcase.
Question: What are your life goals?
Morgan Stanley: To marry Morgan's niece.
General Foods: To offer nutritional, high protein alternatives
to mankind.
Citibank: To be one of 10,000 MBA's at Citibank.
B,A&H: To lead a balanced life and have a happy family.
Question: What major goals in the past have you not achieved?
========> In all cases, look blank and pretend that
you don't understand the question.
