[989] in Humor
HUMOR: Horrorscope
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Sun Jul 30 21:25:57 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 1995 21:20:52 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 95 14:19:31
From: mabehr@MIT.EDU (Michael Behr)
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Subject: hororscopes
- ------- Forwarded Message
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Date: Fri, 28 Jul 1995 21:15:10 -0800
>To: fte@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
>From: jkurylo@direct.ca (F MagZine)
>Subject: more horoscopes (BWAH hahaha...) <evil grin>
>Sender: owner-fumbling-towards-ecstasy@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
>Precedence: bulk
>Status: O
>
>John, widgett of the Frame screamed in pain:
>
>>I am afraid. No. Really. =)
>
>Since there is obviously a demand for it, here's another horoscope.
>
>Horoscope
>by Jason Kurylo
>
>Aries (March 21 - April 19): In an effort to impress that special someone
>(you know the one: that blonde you've been ogling for three months now...),
>you get your cheek pierced. Just a little hint, though, you crazy hipster:
>the _face_ doesn't hurt nearly as much...
>
>Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You'll wake up today. You'll walk around, maybe
>go to work or something. Then, after all is said and done, you'll go back
>to sleep.
>
>Gemini (May 21 - June 22): After considerable consultation, you will come
>to a momentous decision, which could, possibly, affect the rest of your
>natural life. My advice to you is.... get the Super Size fries.
>
>Cancer (June 23 - July 22): Virgo foregoes your lunch date, proving once
>and for all that it _just ain't gonna happen!!!_ Get over it, already,
>desperado...
>
>Leo (July 23 - August 22): SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Reading of horoscopes
>by pregnant women may result in fetal injury, premature birth, and low
>birth weight.
>
>Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Since you seem to have this predilection
>for processed meat products, let's pretend your impending bizarre Spam
>delivery truck death is at least _partially_ ironic, shall we?
>
>Libra (September 23 - October 22): Whatever you do, don't go near the water
>today! Trust me on this one, okay, Flipper?
>
>Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Your mom, of all people, secretly has a
>big crush on your dad. Just thought you'd wanna know. Gossipmonger.
>
>Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): No matter what anyone else says, _
>I _ think the piercing was a good thing. Now if only you could get the
>swelling to go down, you might be able to sit down again... (have you been
>talking to Aries again?)
>
>Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): I'm really sorry, but my dog ate your
>horoscope. So unless you wanna follow him around with a pooper-scooper and
>a magnifying glass, I suggest you go read Sydney Omar's column.
>
>Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): No, you won't be discovered by a
>Hollywood agent today. No, that special someone will not bump into on a
>street corner and proclaim everlasting, undying love. And for the last
>time, no, you're not getting that promotion. So for god's sake, quit
>asking...
>
>Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Capricorn's figure figures prominently,
>then fades to black. Taurus lights up on Scorpio, only to choke on the
>filter and die. Leo brings good humour, bad hummus; compliments complement
>fellow Pisces fellow's pita. (Would it be too much if his name were Peter?)
>
>If today is your birthday... You're probably waaaaay too busy getting
>smashed at your friends' expense to be reading this damn column... If not,
>you better getcherself some new friends.
>
>okay, kids, that's it for father jason's astrology trip #2... keep your
>head in the clouds, and your hopes in the stars...
>
>jason kurylo
>lead agoraphobe
>F MagZine
>
>
>Nightmare Scenario #89: Five words: blind date with Crispin Glover...
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