[972] in Humor
HUMOR: The Oracle on WIN95
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Jul 19 17:07:07 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 17:02:27 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 20:41:00 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: peter@usenix.org (Peter H. Salus)
Forwarded-by: anonymous@email.only.for.com
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This came from "The Best of Usenet Oraculaties":
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept
> this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant...
>
> Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} THE SCENE: A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three
} 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling. In the middle of the room is
} a Pentium/100mHz, sheathed in a black casing. Three programmers dance
} around the machine, chanting horribly. Their pale, clammy complexion
} is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more
} repugnant to the watchful eye by the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.
}
} FIRST PROGRAMMER: Thrice the brinded net hath mewed.
}
} SECOND PROGRAMMER: Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined.
}
} THIRD PROGRAMMER: MacHarpier cries. 'Tis time, 'tis time!
}
} FIRST: Round about the terminal go;
} In the poisoned upgrade throw.
} Code, which by a student done
} In minutes numbering sixty-one.
} Run-time error, protection fault,
} Crash ye first, crash ye shalt.
}
} ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]:
} Double, double, toil and trouble;
} Tempers burn and data bubble.
}
} SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake,
} In the Pentium no sound make;
} Point of arrow, click of mouse,
} Scream of user, frightened spouse,
} OS/2's net use appeal,
} Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel.
} For a charm of powerful trouble,
} Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
}
} ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble;
} Tempers burn and data bubble.
}
} THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug,
} You would think you forgot the plug.
} Multitasking, ha ha ho
} If just one worked you'd be good to go.
} This should grab those straggling few
} Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
} Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
} While curse words cross our users' lips.
} Leave the errors in so we can fix
} And sell more... Windows 96!
} And so we will release the Beta
} For corruption of their data.
}
} ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble;
} Users buy, our profits double.
}
} SECOND: Compile it with errors through,
} Since the users have no clue.
}
} [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.]
}
} BillGate: O, well done! I commend your pains,
} And everyone shall share i' the gains.
} And now about the program get,
} But NEVER use it on OUR net.
} Security is scarce put in.
} [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.]
} [Exit BillGate.]
}
} SECOND WITCH: By the usage of my UMBs
} Wicked Windows this way comes.
} Open locks,
} Whoever knocks!
}
} [Fade to black.]
}
} Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a
} copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6.
