[964] in Humor
HUMOR: The Elvis Ritual
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Jul 12 09:29:31 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 09:24:17 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 1995 23:42:02 -0700
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: "Peter Fraser" <Peter_Fraser@macmail.lbl.gov>
At last! A route to Salvation!!!
- -- Peter
*****************************************************************************
The Lesser Elvis Banishing Ritual of the Sequined Pentagram
The purpose of this ritual is clear the area of all Elvis-negative
influences. This includes all that not patriotic and all that is not of
White Trash at heart.
Begin by facing in the direction of Graceland. For easy reference, we
shall call this East.
1: Visualize the infinitely bright light of a Las Vegas spotlight
descending upon you.
2: Draw this Holy Light into your head, intoning:
LOVE ME
3: Point downward, hand over... personal privates... , intoning:
TENDER
4: Point to right shoulder.
LOVE ME
5: Point to left shoulder.
TRUE
This is the Holy Cross of Elvis. Conclude by saying: "Uh-huh".
6: Facing East (Graceland), draw a bright, blue, sequined pentagram in
the air. Be sure to visualize the light reflecting off of the shimmering
sequins. Intone:
Ehhhh
7: Repeat step six to the south. Intone:
Lllll
8: To the west, intone:
Vihhhhh
9: To the north, intone:
ssssss
Between each of the above steps, you should make part of a circle
connecting each pentagram. This circle should be made of the Light of
the Holy Las Vegas Spotlight.
Imagine yourself bathed in the Holy Vegas Light. Face Graceland.
10: Before you, imagine Elvis as a baby, containing his True Elvis
Potential. This is the Elvis of Air.
Say: ELVIS, thou who were born a King in Lowly Surroundings. Fulfill
your potential. Be present with me today.
11: Behind you, imagine the young man Elvis, on the brink of Stardom.
This is the Elvis of Water.
Say: ELVIS, thou who art about to realize your Kingliness among men.
Fulfill that Potential. Be with me today.
12: To your right, imagine Elvis in the prime of his career, when he
was making movies and the like. He thrusts his pelvis suggestively. This is
the Elvis of Fire.
Say: ELVIS, thou who art leading us to Light. Be with me today.
13: To your left, imagine Elvis in his Las Vegas stage. He wears
sunglasses and is slightly pudgy. This is the Elvis of Earth.
Say: ELVIS, thou who didst die on the pot of an overdose. Be with me
today.
Repeat the Holy Cross of Elvis. Thus ends the Ritual.
This ritual should be repeated daily. If you wish, you may use Elvis
music in the background to aid your concentration. If you have an
altar, it should contain a Microphone Wand, a Microphone-Stand Dagger,
an Elvis "45 Disc, and small porcelain toilet (Chalice).
May the Holy Light of Las Vegas Shine within you.
Love is the Law. Love under Rock & Roll.
******************************************************************************
* ========= Connie Kleinjans (connie@interserve.com) ========= *
* "Humor. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to send it." *
* ======= Humorous, thanks to InterServe, 415-328-4333 ======= *
