[950] in Humor
HUMOR: What's your DCF?
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Jun 29 10:43:06 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 1995 10:36:21 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 22:57:59 -0700
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
Revolutionary DCF System to Replace CMM
by Matt Sejnowski 2/16/95 dcf.doc
API Austin - First there were software metrics. With these, software
developers and their management could finally measure something for the
output of the software creation process. In the 80's these techniques
flourished. Funny names for these measurements emerged, like "McCabe
complexity" and "software volume".
Soon it was realized that there needed to be a way not only to
measure the quality of the software output, but also to measure the
quality of the engineering organization itself. The Capability
Maturity Model, CMM, was developed in the early 90's. Organizations
are audited by professionals and rated on a scale of 1 to 5. Low
scores mean the software production process is chaotic, while 5 means
that all aspects of software development are fully understood and
carefully applied, all but assuring a quality product every time.
Sadly, most software organizations today weigh in at a meager 1, and
there's a suprising number of 0's out there.
Now, a revolutionary new measurement technique has been developed
by a small startup consulting firm in Austin, Texas. The new system is
simply known as DCF. The simplicity and elegance of the new measuring
system belies its power in accurately judging the soundness of a
software organization.
The inventor of DCF and founder of the DiCoFact Foundation, Matt
Sejnowski, says the new measurement system is "simple and fool-proof,
but modifications are being made to make it management- proof as
well".
One Sunday morning Matt was performing his normal ritual of
reading the most important parts of the newspaper first, when he came
across his favorite comic strip, "Dilbert" by Scott Adams. Matt and
his work colleagues loved this comic strip and were amazed by how many
of the silly storylines reminded them of actual incidences at their
company. They even suspected that Scott Adams was working there in
disguise, or at least that there was a spy in the company feeding Scott
daily cartoon ideas. Matt suddenly had the flash of genius inspiration
that promised to make him millions: The Dilbert Correllation Factor
(DCF).
Matt's idea was simple: "Take 100 random Dilbert comic strips and
present them in a survey to all your engineering personnel. Include
both engineers and management. Each person reads the strips, and puts
a check mark on each strip that reminds him of how his company
operates. Collect all surveys and count the check marks. This gives
you your Dilbert Correllation Factor, which can range of course from 0%
to 100%. Average out the engineers scores. Throw out the manager's
surveys, we just have them do the survey to make them feel important;
however, if many of them scowl during the survey, add up to 5 points to
the DCF (in technical terms, this is your Management Dissing Fudge
Factor, MDFF). Make sure to also throw out surveys of engineers that
laugh uncontrollably during the whole survey (remember their names for
subsequent counseling). And that's all there is to it! Oh yeah, then
walk around the building and count Dilbert cartoons on the walls.
Don't forget coffee bars, bulletin boards, office doors and of course,
bathrooms". Add up to 10 points for this Dilbert Density Coefficient
Adjustment (DDCA).
Interpreting the results is simple. Let's look at some ranges:
0% - 25%: You probably have a quality software organization. However,
you guy's need to lighten up! Maybe a few suprise random layoff, or
perhaps initiating a Quality Improvement Program, will do the trick to
boost your company's DCF to healthier level.
26% - 50%: This is also a sign of a good software organization, and
is nearly ideal. You still manage to get a quality product out, and
yet you still have some of the fun that only Dilbert lovers can
identify with... Mandatory membership in social committees, endless
e-mail debates about the right acronyms to use for the company
products, and of course detailed weekly status reports where everyone
lists "did status report" on accomplishments.
51% - 75%: This is the most typical DCF level for software houses
today. Your software products are often in jeopardy due to the
Dilbert-like environment they are produced in. You have a nice healthy
dose of routine mismanagement, senseless endless meetings with no
conclusions, miscommunications at all levels of the organization, and
arbitrary commitments made to customers which send engineers into
cataplexy.
76% - 100%: The best advice for this organization is this: Get the
hell out of the software business. Hire the best cartoonist you can
afford, have him join your project teams and document what he sees in
comic strips... get 'em syndicated and you'll make a fortune!
Matt has applied for a patent on his unique DCF system. He is
anxious to become a high-priced consultant, going to lots of companies,
doing his survey, getting the fee, and getting out before management
realizes they've been ripped off and have to hire another high-priced
consultant to come in and set things right. Matt reports, "I'm
thinking about a do-it-yourself version for the future, too. I'd put
Dilbert cartoons on little cards so they can be passed out to the
engineers for the survey... I'll probably call it 'Deal-a-Dilbert'.
I'm also thinking about a simple measurement system that lets employees
find out their personality type and where they best fit into the
organization. I call this the 'Dilbert/Dogbert Empathy Factor' or
'DDEF' for short.
