[95] in Humor
HUMOR: Misc. Bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Feb 24 10:05:53 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 94 10:02:02 EST
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 94 13:38:21 MST
From: rmerz@redwood.hac.com (Rulane Merz)
Subject: bumper sticker
A bumper sticker on a Toyota:
"Proud to be
and BUY American"
----- ------
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 1994 22:54:05 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Life B.3
The following are selections from the GIGGLES Digest
To subscribe send a message to: LISTSERV@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu
with the body of text: "Sub GIGGLES <Your Name>"
----------------------------------------------------
From: BENK <BENK.IAT@MHS.UNC.EDU>
Two cows are standing around in a paddock.
One of them says, "MOOOO"
and the other says, "I thought you'd say that"
- --------------------------
From: Marty Joachim - 812-855-7511 <JOACHIMM@UCS.INDIANA.EDU>
There once was a nasty and mean man, a baseball umpire by profession. He was
so mean that he used to beat his wife and son and kick the dog all the time.
One day, however, he realized the evil of his ways and decided to reform. He
came home from a busy day at the ballpark. He took his wife in his arms and
kissed her. She was so shocked that she fainted. He bent over to pet the dog,
but the dog ran away with its tail between its legs. He then sat down in his
favorite chair and called his son to come sit on his lap. The son, trembling,
refused his father's request. MORAL: The son never sits on the brutish umpire.
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From: "Jill A. Albert" <BEACHNUT@VTVM1.BITNET>
A big lean 6'2", 220 lb. Texan came storming down the street of this
Western town. He crashed into the saloon and demanded, "Who the heck
painted my horse's butt red?" Slowly...a 6'6", 350 lb. cowboy stood up
and gruffly said, "I did...what about it?" After thinking for a minute,
the Texan replied, "Uh...Um...Er...I just wanted to let you know that the
first coat is dry."
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From: Charles Pecheur <pecheur@MONTEFIORE.ULG.AC.BE>
Q: What's the difference between a dollar and a rouble ?
A: A dollar.
Q: what's the relation between a dollar, a rouble and a pound ?
A: A pound of roubles equals a dollar.
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From: "Michael D. Meyer" <MDMEYER@CORPSB.REMNET.AB.COM>
A lion was hunting for his dinner when he came upon two men
setting in a clearing. On man was reading a book and the other
was busy typing a letter. The lion pounced on the man with the
book and ate him up because every lion knows that readers digest,
and writers cramp.
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From: herb rotfeld <ROTFELD@BUSINESS.AUBURN.EDU>
truth funnier than the jokes:
the following are actual complaints from faculty members' student
evaluations over the past few years (here and at other universities):
+"My grade was unfairly hurt by my in ability (sic) to write."
+"I was not motivated by always having my ideas challenged."
+"I would recommend this course only to a friend who likes
to read."
+"I did not like being asked about the readings before the
instructor told me the answers of what parts we should know for
exams."
+"It was unfair that my grade was not as high as it might
have been if I had scored better when writing answers on test
exams or typing the writing for doing term papers. I think not
that my grade might be pulled down if the instructor has
difficulty understanding what I meant to say."
- --------------------------
From: Richard Hudson <rhudson@SYSTEMA.WESTARK.EDU>
Early in the century in south Arkansas three contenders were vying for the
office of sheriff. They gathered on the courthouse lawn for the annual
evening of political speeches.
One candidate, an amputee, explained to the audience that he had given a
leg for the south during the battle at Vicksburg. Another, with an empty
sleeve, declared, "My arm lies on the battlefield at Jacksonburg where I
fought with Gen. Robert E. Lee!" When it was his time to speak, the third
man said, "Folks, I didn't fight in the Civil War, but I was with Teddy
Roosevelt when we attacked San Juan. We struggled up that hill, men dying
right and left. When we were about 50 feet from the top, Teddy turned to me
and said, 'Joe, the man that leads the charge over that hilltop will be
president of the United States some day.'" I said, "You go ahead, Teddy.
.....All I want is to be the Sheriff of Calhoun County!"
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From: Steve Hoffman <steveh@ESKIMO.COM>
Jewish mother's medical ID bracelet: In case of accident, I'm not surprised.
Hospitality is making people feel at home when you wish they were.
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From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subj: STORIES: Various (G, Clean humor)
In order to get out of debt, I set strict spending limits for myself.
Eventually my efforts paid off, and I was able to afford a trip with my mother.
When we checked into our hotel, I presented my credit card. Looking concerned,
the clerk handed it back and asked if I was sure I wanted to use it.
I was puzzled until I turned the card over. There on the back was a
note I'd written to myself months earlier: "Touch this and die."
My husband's uncle thought he had conquered the problem of trying to remember
his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with the
florist, provided him with the dates and instructions to send flowers along
with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went
well until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and
said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
- --------------------------
From: "Michael D. Meyer" <MDMEYER@CORPSB.REMNET.AB.COM>
A zoo acquired gnu and due to lack of space had to put it in a
section that was not completed. Three quarters of the cage had
already been tiled, and the rest of the tile was stacked in a
corner awaiting installation. The next day the zoo keeper was
amazed to find the job completed apparently buy the gnu. The zoo
keeper, thinking somebody was playing a joke on him, moved the gnu
to another unfinished cage. The gnu immediately began to lay the
the tile and finished the job in a half hour.
The zoo keeper called a press conference to announce his amazing
discovery. One of the reporters asked him how he would describe
something so extraordinary. He thought for a moment then said,
"He's a typical gnu and a tiler, too."
- --------------------------
From: Gorycki Janusz - UE92 <kalamon@MUGGY1.GUMBEERS.ELKA.PG.GDA.PL>
A Russisn caught a goldfish.
It says: "Let me go and I will fulfill Your three wishes"
The Russian says: "It's OK with me, here are my wishes:
- - I want all water in all lakes turn into vodka,
- - I want all water in all rivers turn into vodka,
- - and give me a bottle of vodka."
- --------------------------
From: Mark R Panitz <mpanitz@EIS.CALSTATE.EDU>
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
- -----
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would
bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student
greased in all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so
much trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you
stiffen up, then I just pull back."
- -----
On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando
valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was
a controller with a similar problem.
He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a
private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period
of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't
quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired
as to where he was being sent.
There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30
seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:
"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.
- -----
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.
Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your
lights, what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out a flashlight.
Student: "I get out my flashlight."
Instructor grabs flashlight.
Instructor: "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out another flashlight.
Student: "I get out my other flashlight."
Instructor grabs next flashlight.
Instructor: "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"
Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.
Student: "I use this flashlight."
Instructor grabs this one too.
Instructor: "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"
Student: "I use this glow stick."
Instructor: "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
- -----
Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island: Local fellow
working his way up had padded his logbook with extra twin time. For a
couple of these "flights" he'd used the tail number of a twin he'd seenn
passing through his airport -- it looked like it was from far away, and
headed back there. The checkride was at a bigger airport nearby. After
the ride the examiner was looking at the logbook and checking the
totals.
"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
"Sure is," says the candidate.
"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?"
asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where
it was parked, just down the line.
- -----
A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an
Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
rough landing provided today by our first officer".
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it,
the Captain did an even worse one.
The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
rough landing provided today by our Captain".
The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say
that for?".
The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back?
I owed it to you!".
"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.
- -----
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in Air Force magazine a while back.
I can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit
cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the
jet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower
as follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded
"Uh, up, sir."
- -----
1) (Heard on the radio - _really_)
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have
the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
- -----
3) (This one really happened - the FE was suspended:) On some air carrier
operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers
could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to
have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume;
more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the
camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the
position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever
he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a
hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or
whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the
controls!!!
- -----
This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He
managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes
asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots
use the airport over there."
- -----
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight
in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130
reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for
landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three
miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
- -----
A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell this story on himself
and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying an Army UH-1H, Huey, one
day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened to all of us, probably, at
one time or another, he just couldn't seem to get his tongue coordinated at
all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.
Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like
this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd like
to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot
approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse, uh, backcourse at Grandview
Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting the
transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short period
of silence over the radio before someone (who he said you could tell was some
Captain on a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back with a very short
comment of "Hire the handicapped". He said that he never felt so stupid in
his life as he did about then.
- -----
Controller sitting next to me is trying to change Mooney 45Q to my freq, but
gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may have already switched to my
freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot who knew it was coming, he asks me
to check.
Me: "Mooney 45Q, on you on this frequency?"
45Q: "Negative. But I should be any time now."
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