[941] in Humor
HUMOR: Junk Mail to English Translation
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Jun 22 14:38:59 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 14:32:37 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 16:35:46 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Russell Lear <Lear.es>
Reprinted from the Financial Post of Toronto.
To help you sort your way through your junk mail, here is a lexicon of
favorite openers from the trade - with translations.
I don't know how you can pass up this opportunity.
Our motivational psychologists guaranteed us a high rate of
return with this opening. Besides, it worked when I was
selling vegatable slicers door-to-door.
Once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Very true. We can show you the ninety-nine-year-old man who
owns the lifetime named in this mailing. And should he pass
away in the next cold snap, we will start again with his 104
year-old brother.
You have been specially selected.
Our computer says you are more than twelve years old and live
in an urban center of at least 10,000.
Send no money.
Just give us that credit-card authorization and we're off to the
races.
If you don't like the product simply return it after your free inspection.
You'll hate it -- who really needs a gold-plated executive shock
absorber from a 1947 Mack truck? But we're gambling you will be
too weak to jam it back into our specially designed non-reusable
packing case.
Wouldn't you lie to be rich?
We sure would, so we have cooked up this wonderful little
mail-order business.
Send for your free gift.
And one of our salesmen will bring it along before noon --
accompanied by a three-hour presentation.
Your name has been referred
We bought it from a man who assures us that his names have a 7
per cent probability of buying.
I am writing you on an urgent matter.
Frankly this quarter looks like a troglodyte's breakfast and we've
got the presses working overtime. We got your name from the Edsel
owners' list.
You may already be a winner.
The odds are good that you are already a loser. But what kind of
sell is that?
Postage and handling extra.
We do not expect to make much on the product and we will only beak
even on postage, but our handling cost does include some
depreciation on the building and a tiny percentage of the last
sales conference.
Our operation is nonprofit.
But we did not design it that way and we are counting on people
like you to pull us out of the hole.
You may never get a chance like this again.
At least not until we repeat this offer in thirty days.
Act now at this low price.
Please, please act now. The response has been so poor that we
are going to have to knock a couple more dollars off the
mail-order price next month. Our bottom line needs help.
Here is how you will benefit.
And since you are benefiting you will not mind if we make a buck
or two.
Special bonus offer.
We sincerely hope you have forgotten all those things we tried to
sell in our previous mailing because now that we have a hot new
line we are offering those bow-tie calculators as bonus incentives.
What can you lose?
Well, a little time, perhaps a few dollars, not much else.
Besides, we will get your name on a lot of lists and you will
never worry about an empty malbox.
