[935] in Humor
HUMOR: If Newt were Hack...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Jun 16 17:57:23 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 17:55:06 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 20:36:42 +0000 (GMT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
...
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> If a tree in a forest falls on Newt Gingrich and no one is around to
> hear him scream, what will middle-class tax rates do in relation to
> Federal Reserve interest rates within the next two years?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmmm.... a most worthy question.
}
} I think I need to simulate this one on my computer...
}
} >LOOK
}
} You are in a large, dense forest.
}
} >LISTEN
}
} You can hear faint cries for help in the distance.
}
} >GO TO SOUND
}
} You are by a large fallen tree. Pinned under the tree is Newt
} Gingrich.
}
} >SAY HELLO
}
} "I'm under a tree, you idiot! Help me!", replies Newt.
}
} >SAY HOW?
}
} "You must deliver my tax plan to Washington so it can be passed!", says
} Newt. He offers you a briefcase.
}
} >TAKE BRIEFCASE
}
} You now have a thin brown briefcase.
}
} >INVENTORY
}
} You are carrying:
} A briefcase
} A Swiss Army knife
} Beef Jerky
} A Honda Accord
} A biology textbook
}
} >USE HONDA
}
} You are inside the Honda.
}
} >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON
}
} You have reached Washington. A logging company lies to the west
}
} >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON DC
}
} You have reached Washington DC. The capitol lies to the north.
} The White House lies to the east.
}
} >DRIVE TO WHITE HOUSE
}
} You have reached the White House.
}
} >ENTER
}
} A Honda Accord can't fit in the White House!
}
} >PUT ACCORD AWAY
}
} The Honda Accord is stored on your person.
}
} >ENTER WHITE HOUSE
}
} You are inside the White House. There is a staircase leading upstairs.
} The Oval Office is to the West.
}
} >ENTER OVAL OFFICE
}
} You are inside the oval office. A large man with grey hair is behind
} the desk. The President says "Can I help you?"
}
} >OPEN BRIEFCASE
}
} The briefcase is locked!
}
} >USE SWISS ARMY KNIFE
}
} Use on what?
}
} >BRIEFCASE
}
} The briefcase is now open. It contains:
} A budget bill
} A stopwatch
} A pornographic magazine
} A computer mouse.
}
} >SAY I HAVE NEWT'S BILL
}
} "If you don't leave immediately, I'm calling security", the President
} says.
}
} >DROP BEEF JERKY
}
} The President unwraps the Beef Jerky. The President eats the Beef
} Jerky. The President smiles. The President says, "Just like mom's.
} Got any more?"
}
} >DROP MAGAZINE
}
} The President sees the magazine. The President reads the magazine.
} The President nods approvingly.
}
} >HIT PRESIDENT WITH BOOK
}
} Where will you hit the President?
}
} >THE HEAD
}
} The President is now unconscious.
}
} >PLACE BRIEFCASE ON DESK
}
} The briefcase is on the Oval Office desk.
}
} >SIGN BILL
}
} You sign your name on the President's face.
}
} Security has just entered the room!
}
} You have been arrested.
} Your score is 536 out of 12645
}
} Oh well, guess that didn't work. I suppose the answer is nothing.
} Gridlock continues as normal.
}
} You owe the Oracle an audit.
------- End of Forwarded Message
