[918] in Humor
HUMOR: A Letter to the IRS
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Jun 12 11:02:50 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 10:52:18 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 11 Jun 1995 21:16:20 -0700
From: connie@interserve.com (Connie Kleinjans)
From: "Mark D Baushke" <mdb@cisco.com>
Forwarded-From: marroyo@cisco.com (Michelle Arroyo)
Author: Jean WILDER
A real letter written from Bob Mullen...
The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and denied
two of my dependent deductions! I thought you might like to read my
response which, while more devestating than any militia plot, is a
kinder and gentler way of stiking fear into the heart of government!
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return. Thank
you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years.
They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that
the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care for these
waifs) know something about them and what to expect over the next year.
You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has had no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run
at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have
felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and
in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the
future. May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather
good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February I was
rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the
future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent
directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?
Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting
out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care
of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and
all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when you he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives,
inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll
find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock
out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents
(ask the other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level
of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty
understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in
the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school
sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a
refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards,
pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is
a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I'm sure you can handle
it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her
room and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find
out what it's really made of.
You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If
you take the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so
bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down
payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob Mullen
