[802] in Humor
HUMOR: The PC Primer
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Apr 3 17:21:34 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 1995 17:15:45 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
...and remember: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
-Drew
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 95 13:49:14 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: rossix!rwc.dnet!apdma@openlink.openlink.com (Mary Ann Anthony)
PC PRIMER
Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy
believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender,
ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social and
morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is
bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers
the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries
of oppression.
Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.
Q: WHY?
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every
injustice in the world: slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats. That
means
that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to
balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose
ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
Q: HOW?
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
what you
do. You just don't want to offend anyone.
Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a
harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can
buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into
different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make
sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least
sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the
same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your
lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use
aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a
citizen
of the U.S., you're living in God's country.
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't
do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2,
REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat
meat.
Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have
rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf.
You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT
HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:
RIGHTS NO RIGHTS
-------- -----------
cows cockroaches
cute bunnies flies
dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets
whales sharks
red squirrels gray squirrels
owls loggers
harbor seals barnacles
Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what
gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity.
Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic.
Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read
it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.
Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT.
It's that simple. You are right.
Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The
guideline
is as follows:
Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes -> The liberal is right.
No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor
Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University
Carribean Society shut-down are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can
make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the
weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by
all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your
school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he
will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.
Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it
censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about
a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the
face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about
people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for
instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?
Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your
great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be
identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!
Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?
No, there are none offered to white males however, if you are a women
...oops...
womyn, there should be plenty.
Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-
AMERICAN?
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. That is,
we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't.
Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-American or
either.
Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their
time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives
on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect
cultural biases.
Q: I DON'T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who
tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school
and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.
Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been
benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to
fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.
Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any
comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.
Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades.
Not PC - it can be taken the wrong way.
In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the
kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or
gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of
sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.
Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people
differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon...
Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.
PC LEXICON
"Insensitive Term" "Preferred Term"
- -> ETHNICITY <-
(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)
Black - African-American
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE
LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE
S-AFRICANS.
DOES INCLUDE
PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
Oriental - Asian-American
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)
Indian - Native-American
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
Atlanta Braves
Cleveland Indians
Kansas City Chiefs
Washington Redskins
AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)
Chicano - Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
Cheech and Chong
Chico and the Man episodes
Cisco Kid
Rosarita Salsa
Speedy Gonzales
AVOID! AVOID!)
White Trash - PC Unaware
Rustically Inclined
WASP (white male) - Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
- -> GENDER <-
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)
Woman - Womyn
Girl - Pre-Womyn
Housewife - Domestic Engineer
Fireman - Firefighter
Stewardess - Flight Attendant
Meter Maid - Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Post Man - Post Person
Mail Man - Person Person
Policeman - Law Enforcement Officer
Baton Boy
Cal. Clubber
Prostitute - Sex Surrogate
(Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
Mankind, Human - Earth Children
- -> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <-
Handicapped - Physically Challenged
Differently Abled
Handi-Capable
Blind - Optically Darker
Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf - Visually Oriented
Poor - Economically Unprepared
Bum - Homeless Person
Displaced Homeowner
Philosophy Major
Hunter - Animal Assassin
Meat Mercenary
Bambi Butcher
Whaler - Blubber Lovers
Old Person / Elderly - 4th-Dimentionally Extended
Gerontologically Advanced
Conservative - Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict - Chemically Challenged
Bald - Comb-Free
Bisexual - Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf - Little People
Vertically Challenged
Convict - Socially Separated
Insane People - Selectively Perceptive
Mental Explorers
(person with) (person with)
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Tree-Hugger - Environmental Activist
Logger - Wood Weasel
Paper Pirate
Treeslayer
Dead People - Dysfunctional Earth Children
Biologically Challenged
Metaphysically Challenged
- -> MISCELLANEOUS <-
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Disfunction
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
"Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School) - Academic Dishonesty
Used Books - Recycled Books
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation
Option
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm
Charnel House
Obese - People of Mass
Gravitationally Challenged
Fred Barling
fwb@scruznet.com
