[754] in Humor
HUMOR: Techie SO's Unite!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Mar 7 23:26:50 1995
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 07 Mar 1995 23:23:40 EST
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 95 12:43:59 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: connie.davis@amail.amdahl.com
SIGNIFICANT OTHERS SPEAK OUT !!!
By: Shirley Clawson
So you've found yourself attracted to a computer nerd. (Sorry
techies; that IS what those of us that exist in the real world
call you.) Spousal units and significant others (collectively
referred to herein as "SO's") who have long endured the
idiosyncrasies of their techie mates have banded together to
provide the unsuspecting "future significant other" a peek at
existence with: THE TECHIE. But first, a couple of disclaimers:
All persons and events portrayed in this article are real and any
resemblance to actual people or incidents is entirely
intentional. Techies portrayed herein are of the male variety
but male SO's have confirmed that they experience the same
phenomenon in relation to their female techies.
To properly co-exist with a techie, you must first understand
three basic premises on which his view of the world is based:
1. There is a proper order in the universe. Computers
come first; significant others somewhere thereafter.
2. Programmers, while reluctantly admitting (subsequent
to intense pressure) that they are not God, are however,
equal to God.
3. Computer illiterate people are complete morons.
These three premises result in techies having a drastically different
way of thinking as compared to the average person. This unique approach
to life will be exhibited on a daily basis in many subtle ways:
TOPIC WHAT YOU'RE THINKING WHAT HE'S THINKING
============== ======================= ===========================
Ideal Vacation Tahiti Las Vegas -- during Comdex
Shopping Trip New wardrobe Computer bookstore
Eating Out Chez Romantic Vending machine at the office
Fun Weekend Picnic in the mountains Non-stop programming
6 A.M. Romantic sunrise Late night of programming
People over for
Dinner Friends, Conversation Victims to view latest
software developments
Tax Time Call an accountant Order a tax package for SO
Looking at
Stereo
Equipment Casual browsing Select model, Close deal
Share
Housework 50/50 Refrain from complaining that
Pepsi isn't restocked
Spending more
time with
Children Interactive Learning Set up Barbies next to computer
Reason to cash out
Investments Child's Education This years BMW's look good
It is true that techies rarely subscribe to GQ magazine but, in
all fairness, let's dispense with the slide-rule, taped glasses,
white, button-down shirt stereotype. They no longer wear slide-
rules; laptops are in. Taped glasses - well, ok, sometimes.
White shirts have been replaced by t-shirts and flowered Hawaiian
atrocities. "Dressing up" for a special occasion entails putting
on jeans and a wrinkled shirt with a collar. If you happen to be
domestically inclined, don't bother ironing shirts (or if you're
not, feeling guilty about NOT ironing them) because pressed
shirts are simply not a priority in a Techie's life and neither
he nor any of his contemporaries will notice that the shirt he's
wearing looks like it's been trapped between his mattress and box
springs for a year.33
Material possessions are of vital importance to the techie. Of
paramount importance is: THE CAR. The cost of this is directly
proportional to the size of: THE EGO. There are two types of
vehicles owned by techies: 1966 Station wagons with
deteriorating wood on the sides OR the most expensive vehicle
income will allow. (Neither category would be caught dead,
however, driving a car with a Mary Kay bumper sticker attached.)
Single techies can be identified by their dumpy apartments,
frayed clothing and impeccably maintained Ferraris.
Techies with vehicles in the second category assemble their
machines for the annual Testosterone 500. Grown men gather at an
area race track, spend 90 percent of the day walking around
bragging about their car to anyone who will listen and devote the
balance of the time tearing around on a track hoping they won't
kill themselves. What we are witnessing is NOT simply a car
race, but rather a battle of the egos. This same group of
techies has also mastered the art of maneuvering discussion of
THE CAR into every conversation.
The home computer system is another source of competition. Our
family of four (techie, SO, 8 and 2 year old) is the proud owner
of six computers, seven monitors, three laser printers, two dot
matrix printers, two scanners, two optical disk drives, a CD ROM
drive, and four boxes of cables that "might come in handy
someday". Most appalling of all is that the 2 year old is
limited to a 286 with an EGA! HORRORS! Special effort is made
to explain to visiting techies that we are in the process of
upgrading her system.
Other elaborate electronic devices run a close second to the
"home computer competition". Techies must always have the latest
and the best of any electronic device on the market and they MUST
be the first in their group to own one. We have established true
superiority with our home PBX phone system with the capacity to
handle 10 incoming lines, conference calls, 45 auto-dial numbers
and, best of all, music on hold. Oh, and our answering machine
has voice mail capabilities, can receive fax transmissions and
makes dinner.
As you've probably already noticed, dating a techie has special
challenges and rewards. Although your social hours are
restricted to 11:00 p.m. - 3:00 a.m., you do have the opportunity
to meet other SO's who, like you, are hanging around the office
waiting for "just one more compile". A techie's estimate of "15
more minutes" generally means they will appear an hour or two
later having absolutely no clue that more than 15 minutes has
passed.
If you do manage to convince your techie to take a vacation, plan
on his inspecting the computer system at every hotel, gas
station, restaurant, car rental agency and airline. Expect him
to make suggestions for improvements to busboys, valets, maids
and waiters, none of whom have the remotest interest in their
establishment's computer system, much less any influence in this
arena. Keep in mind also that no matter where you go, techies
will find each other. The first trip I, my sweetie and his
portable computer took together was to Europe. I was one of the
lucky few to be dating a man who owned one of the first portable
computers manufactured, which of course automatically entitled us
to first class service everywhere. He no sooner had placed the
computer on the airline tray table than six fellow techies leaped
to his side to discuss the merits of the computer. Personal
conversation with my traveling companion totalled ten minutes out
of a six hour flight.
Lunching with a group of techies is comparable to being dropped
into a remote village in central Albania, with one major
difference: Sign language is completely useless. They are
speaking a foreign language and they are completely oblivious to
this fact. My suggestion: Don't bother going. No one will
notice that you were there anyway, including your techie.
Parties dominated by techies are truly exciting experiences.
Techies have never developed the art of smalltalk (their
computers don't require this attribute) so don't expect to see a
techie talking to a non-techie. If a techie was forced to bring
his SO, he will feel obligated, however, to forego technical
discussions for at least the first ten minutes.
If you are unfortunate enough to be an SO with a "real job", you
will encounter additional difficulties. The techie cannot fathom
anyone going to work earlier than 10:00 a.m. He will tell you to
simply inform your boss that you won't be starting until then.
Techies are very well read. They devour books and articles on
such exciting topics as memory management, VXD's and debugging
but give them a book on relationships and watch the panic spread
across their faces. Mention a couples workshop you think both of
you should attend and watch those deadlines move up.
At some point in their relationship, the SO must reveal to the
techie that a romantic holiday does not entail bringing along a
portable computer, stacks of computer magazines and a trunkload
of listings. They will be expected to spend an entire weekend
without their computer! If you make it through this traumatic
experience, a marriage or move-in-together proposal may be in the
air. Expect any proposal to be very practical. Important issues
such as what kind of dog you will get, how much money will be
allotted to ego-related purchases, and how much space will be
allocated for the special, hands-off place for his computers in
your future home must be settled before a techie will even
consider a permanent relationship. (Critical tip: This
allotted space will double in size within six months, often
spewing out into other areas of your home if you have not planned
ahead.) Your wedding date will be arranged around development
conferences, COMDEX and technical crises.
If, at some point in your relationship, you decide to have
children, you will have to fit baby-making in between compiles.
If you do manage to conceive, take a few photographs of your
techie to tape over the baby's crib so your child will recognize
your techie's face as well as his back.
On a personal level, the techie is very supportive of his
significant other. When I decided to diet, my techie stood by me
and agreed to diet with me; as long as he didn't have to give up
Pepsi and Twinkies. When I determined that I needed a new look,
he promised not to laugh when I came back with a new hairdo and
agreed to unlimited funding for purchases made at lingerie shops.
The techie is also an accomplished gift-giver. Just last month,
for my birthday, my techie gave me a Bug Zapper. (You know, one
of those things that vaporizes the bugs flying around on your
patio.) It seems he "heard me mention that we should get one."
Guess he missed the references to the diamond necklace and pearl
earrings. Last Christmas I was the proud recipient of a portable
toolkit -- it's a beaut.
Well, I'd better close now. I'm due for my 10:43 appointment to
review the 1991 COMDEX floor plan with you-know-who. Never a
dull moment.....
>
Biography: The author is married to a techie who denies
exhibiting any of the aforementioned behavior and feigned
ignorance when asked if he noticed these characteristics in any
of his fellow techies.
(c) Copyright 1991 by Shirley Clawson, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
