[748] in Humor
HUMOR (long): Misc. stuff.
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Mar 3 14:13:55 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 03 Mar 1995 14:06:57 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 08:12:53 -0800
Message-Id: <199502211612.IAA26485@netcom10.netcom.com>
Date: 24 Feb 94 13:50:26 PST (Thursday)
Subject: Life C.K
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
- --------------------------
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Mrs. Nozie told Trudy: "Charlie and I went steady for two years
before we each gave up hope of meeting someone better."
- --------------------------
From: Robert Werman <RWERMAN@VMS.HUJI.AC.IL>
Police: Mr. Johnson, we have just arrested a theif carrying several
credit cards with Mrs. Johnson's name on them.
Mr. Johnson: Tell the thief he can keep them.
Police: But don't you want your credit cards back?
Mr. Johnson: No. He's been spending only about half as much as
Mrs. Johnson.
- --------------------------
From: NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
The congregation of a certain Presbyterian church took pride in their
pastor's brief, to the point sermons. For years he preached for exactly
15 minutes, briefly prayed, then launched into the final hymn. One
Sunday, however, he preached for 45 minutes. He suddenly stopped,
reddened a bit, bowed his head and gave the final prayer. When he got
home, his wife lit into him. She asked, "What on earth happened this
morning?" Chagrin all over his face, the preacher explained, "I usually
put a cough drop under my tongue just before I begin to speak. When it
has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, I discovered too
late that I put my collar button under my tongue."
- --------------------------
From: "Kevin R. Cain" <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Read this in the paper today. Thought it worth passing along.
OSLO, NORWAY -
A man accused of drunken driving got his case thrown out
after a judge ruled that the vehicle in question - an electric
wheelchair - was too slow to be a hazard. Roar Karlsen left a bar
last June after drinking 6 beers. In his wheelchair, which has a
top speed of 4 mph, he zipped past some police officers, then
returned to ask them if he was allowed to operate the wheelchair
since he had been drinking. The officers responded by testing
his alcohol level and fining him the equivalent of $600.00
for driving under the influence.
- --------------------------
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Excerpts from the local paper over the last year or so
#1
All the electricity went off in the Cheng Sha area of Lantau
during recent storms. A resident phoned one of the supermarkets
to see if it was open. He asked if they had electricity. "No
sir," replied the staff member. "We don't sell electricity."
#2
A hotel guest phoned the concierge at the Madarin Oriental hotel
to ask him to buy the guest a copy of a Beethoven record.
Guest: Do you know who Beethoven is?
Concierge: No. What room is he in?
Guest: No, no, he's dead.
Concierge: Oh! We'd better call security!
- --------------------------
From: "Thomas L. Gossard" <gossard@DAN.APGEA.ARMY.MIL>
I was listening to the radio yesterday, one of those
talk shows, Vickie Carr was the host I believe. The
general discussion was about what bothers women about men.
The discussion had turned to the problem that men never ask
for directions when lost. The "expert" was explaining that
this is because men like to feel confident and in control
of the situation. One of the audience members interjected
at that moment that she felt men were also not very
flexable stating "... when I'm lost I just change where I
want to go ...".
- --------------------------
From: Hilary Caws-Elwitt <otv00010@LLPPTN.LL.PBS.ORG>
Good ol' jokes, guaranteed 100% original, written by Jonathan
Caws-Elwitt (my husband):
2. Cop making rounds: Is there anyone else in that car with you?
>Banker: No, I'm a loan officer.
3. In Arabia, what's the best place to stay if you want to avoid
the expensive hotels?
>At a Bedouin breakfast.
4. Why did the struggling actor want to play the Kaiser?
>Because it's a big roll.
6. What sings and dances and issues speeding tickets?
>A state trouper.
8. Who's never been to a bear mitzvah?
>Gentile Ben.
- --------------------------
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Shopping in the vegetable section of the supermarket,
I observed a man gazing intently at a bag of potatoes.
"Excuse me lady," he said. "I don't have my glasses
with me, and my wife wanted some Idaho potatoes. Are
these Idaho potatoes?"
I looked at the printing on the bag and said, "No.
Those are Colorado potatoes."
"Good," he replied. "That's close enough."
- --------------------------
From: Dean Smith <SMITH4_D@BENTLEY.BITNET>
Do you think that illiterates get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- --------------------------
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Thornapple, the born loser, is playing golf with his boss. He asks
himself, "What is the definition of a good loser?"
Answer: "A person who's playing golf with his boss!"
Poll question: Which our country's resources are we most in danger of
exhausting?
Thornapple's answer: "Its taxpayers!"
- --------------------------
From: Nancy S Burton <burton@ECN.PURDUE.EDU>
"There are days when I feel like roadkill on the information
super highway!" -- J. Koelzer
- --------------------------
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
It seems that most of us on the humor list at associated with educational
institutions. Hence, the following, supposedly true story, may remind
you of similar items from your own background. I attended the University
of Southern Mississippi from 1964-69 while working on a Bachelors and
Masters degrees. During this time the school was experiencing some rapid
growth and had acquired a number of homes which were used as faculty
housing while the school was awaiting expansion. One of the was occupied
by out local nut, a tenured full professor of English. I guess English
should be entitled to get enjoyment from being eccentric. Given the
salaries they receive, they are definitely deprived economically. Well,
this professor was famous for items such as given a . (dot) to a student
for a final grade, and then explaining to the registrar's office that a
dot was all the student deserved. In his own words, "That kid doesn't know
enough to earn an F, to give him an F would be an insult to all my
hardworking, industrious failures."
- --------------------------
From: Dean Smith <SMITH4_D@BENTLEY.BITNET>
Also, there was a bank robbery on the lower east side on New York city
yesterday. While the robber was fleeing, he was mugged!! Only in New York
something like this could happen. Can you report this???
- --------------------------
From: "Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto,
CA" <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
All these 'unsubscribers' bring to mind a gang of novice
cyclists venturing out onto the info superhighway. At
least its only their prestige that gets flattened by
the trucks. Less messy that way.
- --------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Written by Michael A. Kline
A person was trying to install a package and reported that no matter
what they did, the install would not go claiming it couldn't read the
disk. Well, they were new diskettes, a brand new package, so Laurel
went down to see what was going on.
She got to the person's office and said, "Okay, show me what's happening."
The user said, "Right here. I can't get past this point. 'Enter A:setup,
put diskette in drive, close door, and press enter.'"
Laurel said, "Okay, let's try it."
The user looked the diskette over for defects, showed it to Laurel. It
looked fine, so Laurel said, "Okay, let's try it again."
The user entered "A:setup", put the diskette into the drive, got up,
went to her office door, closed it, came back to the PC, pressed enter,
and sure enough, the PC reported "Unable to read drive A:"
Laurel said it was all she could do to not fall off the chair laughing.
The user was so sincere, and just couldn't figure out what was wrong.
- --------------------------
From: <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
A veteranarian wasn't feeling well, and had to visit the doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had
they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind
of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription,
and handed it to her, with the words: "there you are. Of course,
if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
- ----------------------------------------------------
From: NAME <ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU>
Repairman to executive: "I've found what's causing the slowdown. The
big computer is shoving all its work onto the small one."
Man nervously reads tape message coming out of computer: "It says...
...COGITO ERGO SUM."
Repairman says matter-of-factly to executive: "Well, my best guess
is that it committed suicide."
Repairman inside computer shouts: "Good God! They look like gallstones!"
Two technicians enter a room full of large computers and find a tiny
computer on the middle of the floor. In amazement, one man
cries out, "Harris, I swear that wasn't there when we
locked up."
Ancient Chinese on rug says to his assistant, "So sorry. You've been
replaced by an abacus."
Boss to assistant: "Our computer is on the blink. Hire 21,000 office
workers for the next 2 days."
- --------------------------
From: Aaron Dean Newton <NEWTONAD@SNYALFVA.BITNET>
Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It
probably has to do with the way your feet stick to the floor.
Did you know that George Washington's inaugural speech lasted all of
one and half minutes? I guess there's just not much to say if you're a
politician who can't tell a lie.
As we were leaving the lobby of a hotel n which we were staying, our
three year old son looked down at the doormat with the hotel logo on it.
"Hey!" he exclaimed. "That's on our towels at home."
- --------------------------
From: Nathan Elliott <elliottnj@BESPO.LAAFB.AF.MIL>
When I arrived at my new job, my organization had a briefing for all of the
new people. It was about the Los Angeles area, and one of the speakers was
from the Highway Patrol.
The patrolman was talking about how to avoid getting speeding tickets (yes, he
actually told us how to avoid them). The following is a true story he told on
what not to do.
The patrolman was driving one of the pickup trucks used for Tractor Trailer
patrol. It carries a set of scales, and has the lights and appropriate
markings for a police vehicle. He was traveling down the highway at 65, and a
car passed him doing what the police officer estimated was 85 (they are
allowed to estimate your speed in CA). He turned on his lights, and proceded
to pull the person over. When he asked the person why they did not slow down
when they saw the police car, the driver responded "I didn't think you were a
real police officer"
- --------------------------
From: JOHN VOGEL <JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV>
The Washington Post Style Invitational Challenge for 2/6/94 was
to create a sentence or paragraph that were it not for this
contest would never otherwise been uttered.
6th runner up;
"I'm speaking of Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln, Reagan --
guys like that."
4th runner up;
"Hillary, get me a beer."
Honorable mentions;
"If there are no bones in Ice Cream, Why can't dogs
vote?"
"Do you repair Jell-o?"
"Nurse, do you know where I can buy one of these hospital
gowns for myself?"
- --------------------------
From: David_Watts <David_Watts@BAYLOR.CCIS.BAYLOR.EDU>
One day, the gates to Heaven had a glitch in their computer system (angel error,
not God's) and there was about a two hour backlog in getting people to their
final destinations. Luckily, things were going pretty slow and only three
people showed up in the down time. When everything was back online, Saint Peter
went to get the first person who arrived.
Peter: I'm so sorry you had to wait. We've had some real problems up here.
Person: Oh that's fine, I'm gonna be here for eternity, what's a few hours?
Peter: That's just great. Oh, by the way, I have to ask you one question..
would you please spell "God?"
Person: Sure, Capital-G O D.
Peter: Great. You can go on in.
Saint Peter went to the second person waiting for entry.
Peter: I'm so sorry you had to wait. We've had some real problems up here.
Person: Oh that's fine, I'm just so excited, I'm finally gonna see Jesus!
Peter: Oh good. Oh, by the way, I have to ask you one question..
would you please spell "God?"
Person: Sure, G...um, Capital-G O D.
Peter: Great. You can go on in.
Saint Peter went to the third person waiting for entry.
Peter: I'm so sorry you had to wait. We've had some real problems up here.
Person: Well heck! I've been waiting all my life! I've waited in grocery
store lines, in traffic, in cafeteria lines,... gosh, you think
when you get to heaven someone would have gotten their act together!
Peter: Well, okay. Oh, by the way, I have to ask you one question..
would you please spell "Czechoslovakia?"
- -----
the preceding jokes were delivered from the pulpit this Sunday morning by Dr.
Ken Massey of Calvary Baptist Church, Waco, TX. He and he alone is responsible
for their corniness.
- --------------------------
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
During the construction of the Alaska Pipeline, one of Bechtel's engineers,
a man named Sam, overslept one morning. The pipeline crew failed to notice
that Sam was not among them (Sam being the sort that was frequently not
among them) and moved north. When Sam woke up, he was all alone. There
was nothing to worry about, since it was a pleasant day in late May. The
- -100 degree temperatures of January and February were just a memory, but
the uncomfortably hot and sticky days of mid-summer just north of Fairbanks
had not yet arrived. Sam set out to find his crew.
As Sam walked North, he ran across a tribe of Eskimos, who were out gathering
moss. Sam stopped to chat with them, and the Eskimos invited him to join
the tribe. Sam considered this, and decided that being an Eskimo had much
to recommend it, as he imagined that the Eskimo life was much less stressful
than that of an engineer on the Pipeline. For a few days, Sam busily
assisted the tribe in gathering moss. Each of the Eskimos had a personal
supply of moss, and after a few days, Sam had gathered more than he could
easily carry in his back pack. He asked the other Eskimos why the moss was
being gathered, but was unable to understand the answer, given his limited
command of Eskimese. As was characteristic, he finally decided that he had
more moss than he could use, and proceeded to spend the summer sleeping.
While the rest of the tribe was busy gathering moss, Sam was resting.
Come the first snow, the tribe moved south to the shores of an inlet, where
seals could be caught and killed for meat and oil. Sam was given a small
lamp, and was shown how to make a wick out of moss. When filled with oil,
the lamp would supply heat and light for the long, dark winter nights. Sam's
lamp was fine for a while, but in early December, his meager supply of moss
was exhausted. It was evident that without a working lamp, he would freeze
to death, so it was urgent to get more moss. When he approached the Eskimo
chief with the problem, and requested an additional supply of moss in order
to get through the winter, he was told by the chief, "Sorry, Sam,"
"No wick for the rested."
- --------------------------
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
During the trial of the folks accused of blowing up the World Trade
Center Building, the prosecutor said to the jury:
"You have common sense, that's why there aren't
lawyers sitting in that box." (2/15/94)
