[744] in Humor
HUMOR: NoTW Feb. 3
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Mar 2 19:40:18 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 02 Mar 1995 19:34:35 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: WEIRDNUZ.365 (News of the Weird, February 3, 1995)
WEIRDNUZ.365 (News of the Weird, February 3, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY
* Among the recent uses of DNA genetic "fingerprinting": Scientists at
Oxford University are using it to determine the gender of the world's
rarest bird, the Brazilian blue Spix macaw, whose males ostensibly
completely resemble females. In Panama City, Fla., prosecutors introduced
DNA-matched sperm samples from Sheriff Al Harrison and his office carpet
(even though Harrison had machine-cleaned it) in his January trial for
forcing female inmates to perform oral sex on him. And authorities in
Cocoa, Fla., filed cattle rustling charges against two men in November
after matching the DNA of a calf that was the offspring of a purebred,
slaughtered cow with the DNA in an uncooked slab of pot roast the men
allegedly sold after cutting it from the cow. [Globe & Mail, 12-17-94;
St. Petersburg Times, 1-26-94; St. Petersburg Times, 11-10-94]
THE CONTINUING CRISIS
* Gordon Davey, 30, was named in November by a TV show in London as
Britain's most boring man, after he waxed rhapsodic about his extensive
collection of brown paper, which he said has fascinated him ever since he
was an art student. Said Davey, "I shall obviously have to try to be more
interesting and less obsessive." [St. Louis Post-Dispatch-Reuters,
11-13-94]
* Police in Washington, D. C., and its Maryland and Virginia suburbs
conducted a three-week campaign in November to increase motorist awareness
of traffic signals, including the mass distribution of "I Stop for Red
Lights" bumper stickers. [Washington Post, 11-17-94]
* California's January 1994 earthquake officially killed 58 people, but
within six months, the state had received almost 400 requests for the
$6,000 burial grants, from federal disaster funds, by people claiming
their dead relatives perished because of the quake. [Los Angeles Times,
Jun94]
* In July, Vickye L. Phye, 34, pleaded guilty to lesser charges in
Nashville, Tenn., after having been accused of the rape of a 39-year-old
woman. According to the victim, Phye had demanded to perform oral sex on
her and then had "started rubbing me like a man would." Tennessee law
defines rape as "any" sexual penetration. [The Tennessean, 7-20-94]
* According to a Thanksgiving press release from the Butterball company,
the highlight of calls to the company's emergency hotline occurred in 1993
when a woman reported that her pet chihuahua had jumped into the cavity
of the family's turkey and was stuck. [Greensboro News-Record, Nov94]
* In November, Japan's Economic Planning Agency, in an annual report,
called on Japanese husbands to participate more in family activities.
Agency surveys estimated that 85% of husbands "never" help their wives
with household chores and that younger women, knowing this, are
increasingly declining marriage, resulting in a falling birth rate that
alarms the Agency. [St. Petersburg Times-Reuters, 11-24-94]
* In October, William Soule, 71, on probation on DUI charges in Dubuque,
Iowa, turned himself in and said he'd rather go to jail. Said Soule, "I
can't take another year of probation." And in September, Kansas prisoner
Joe Carr, 77, convicted of murder in 1941, passed up his parole-board
hearing for the 15th consecutive time. But another Kansas inmate,
murderer Marvin D. Brockett, 64, is vying for parole. Since age 7,
Brockett has been free of correctional facilities only for a total of
three years. [Dubuque Telegraph Herald, 10-8-94; Sikeston (Mo.) Standard
Democrat-AP, 8-9-94; The State (Columbia, S. C.)-K. C. Star, 8-2-94]
WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND
* In July, Robert Minahan, a chef who specializes in crocodile cuisine at
a resort in the Kakadu National Park in Australia, was attacked by a
6-foot crocodile while swimming at Barramundi Gorge. Said Minahan, "It
feels strange to be on the other end of the food chain." [Athens
Messenger-AP, Jul94]
* In Grand Junction, Colo., in September, retired Chicago police officer
Arthur R. Smith, 56, allegedly a hit man who fired several gunshots at
Rita Quam, but missed, had a heart attack and died when police officers
arrived to arrest him. [Chicago Sun-Times, 9-15-94]
* In September, four women, using a chemical spray, allegedly attacked
another woman who had beaten them to a parking space at the Galleria mall
in Glendale, Calif., sending the woman to the hospital. Police went to
the parking lot, looking for the women, and found them having an argument
outside their car because the keys were locked inside. After finding the
chemical spray, police charged the women with assault, then helped open
the car--and found shoplifted clothing in the back seat. [L. A. Daily
News, 10-1-94]
* The Chicago Tribune, reporting in July on the trial of a marriage
matchmaker in Guangzhou Province, related the testimony of a barber who
agreed to offer his unwilling wife to the matchmaker for a scam in which
they would sell the woman to a farmer, collect the fee, then immediately
retrieve her. The barber was first cheated out of the promised reward
and now faces life in prison for selling his wife. Furthermore, the wife
preferred the farmer, anyway, and will not be returning to the barber.
[Chicago Tribune, Jul94]
I DON'T THINK SO
* In November, acting on a tip, Juneau, Alaska, police raided the hotel
room of an Oregon man and found cocaine and $10,000 in cash, which the
man later relinquished in his haste to leave the state before charges were
filed. When police asked him why he had such a large amount of cash, he
said it was given to him by a woman (whose name he could not recall) as
a reward for great sex. [Anchorage Daily News-AP, 11-4-94]
* Ener Arcilla Henson, 34, was arrested in Glendale, Calif., in January
and charged with stealing a "humvee" military vehicle from the local
National Guard armory. Police said Henson was driving the vehicle at
night without lights, refused to acknowledge them when they signaled him
to pull over, and said, when finally stopped, that President Clinton had
given him the humvee. [[Los Angeles Daily News, 1-9-95]]
Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use may
be made of the material, or of the name News of the Weird.
