[682] in Humor
HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.361 (News of the Weird, January 6, 1995)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Jan 23 10:05:13 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 23 Jan 1995 09:59:14 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
Date: Sun, 22 Jan 1995 15:58:03 -0500
...
From: notw-request@nine.org (NotW List Admin)
WEIRDNUZ.361 (News of the Weird, January 6, 1995)
by Chuck Shepherd
LEAD STORY
* A December Associated Press story on body branding revealed that the
idea of having one's skin artistically seared as a "personal statement"
is growing in popularity, especially in San Francisco. The branding
customer endures from one to hundreds of one-second "strikes" with a
blowtorch-heated, white-hot galvanized sheet metal design selected or
created by the customer. Each branding scar takes six weeks or longer to
heal. One customer interviewed by the San Francisco Examiner said she
got a large, elaborate African sunburst on her lower back because she
thought it would help "keep me more centered" because "I couldn't get in
balance myself." [Columbia Tribune-AP, 12-10-94]
GOVERNMENT IN ACTION
* Auditors from the Department of Energy (DOE) disclosed in August that
the agency spent $1.4 million in 1992 for 407 security people at the Rocky
Flats nuclear site in Colorado to get exercise during working hours in
order to stay fit. Nuclear security people are required by law to be
physically fit, but the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, which regulates
civilian nuclear plants, says personnel stay fit at their own expense.
[Rocky Mountain News, 8-20-94]
* In October, New York City police arrested Herbert Steed, 63, outside
his $4,000-a-month Trump Tower apartment (he was preparing to buy a $5
million home in Rye, N. Y.) and charged him with welfare fraud. For the
last three years, Steed was receiving $88 a week in welfare payments by
claiming he had no assets or income. Said the District Attorney, "The
... welfare payments he collected just about covered his health club
dues." [N. Y. Times, 10-7-94]
* Also in New York City, in August, a woman who had used 15 names and who
said she had 73 nonexistent children pleaded guilty to defrauding state
and local welfare authorities out of $450,000. And in March, the New York
City District Attorney announced that of 1,800 welfare recipients
spot-checked in a single Newark, N.J., neighborhood, 425 were
simultaneously--and illegally--receiving New York City welfare benefits.
[Columbia Tribune-AP, 5-20-94; N. Y. Times, 10-7-94] [N. Y. Post, 3-3-94]
* In October, a distraught Washington, D. C., mother turned to volunteer
searchers, including felons living in a halfway house, to find her
11-year-old son after police told her they could not begin searching
immediately because of department regulations. Police told the mother
they could only search immediately if the missing person is under age 6
or over 85, or has a mental condition or disability, or is on medication.
[N. Y. Times-AP, 10-3-94]
* In October, Congress's General Accounting Office announced that, after
visiting all 78 Army storage sites for the hand-held Stinger, Redeye, and
Dragon missiles, thousands were unaccounted for in the Army's records.
More Stingers (7,732) and Redeyes (5,230) were on hand than records
indicated, but 9,744 fewer Dragons were found. A U. S. Army spokesman
said it was all a paperwork problem, that there were "no reports" of any
missiles being lost, stolen, or misplaced. [San Jose Mercury
News-Washington Post, 10-26-94]
* In August, the Wall Street Journal reported on Idaho scrap-metal dealer
Tom Johansen's legitimate 1993 purchase of state-of-the-art nuclear
reprocessing equipment from a Department of Energy (DOE) surplus sale.
Johansen also was able to obtain operating instructions for making
bomb-grade uranium with the equipment by paying DOE a $280 photocopying
fee. The Wall Street Journal said the sale went through because the DOE
man in charge was about to retire and could not persuade his superiors of
the inappropriateness of selling such dangerous materials. [Wall Street
Journal, 8-3-94]
* According to an October report from U. S. Rep. John Dingell, defense
contractors recently billed the federal government for such inappropriate
employee perks as $263,000 for a Smokey Robinson concert; $20,194 for
"professional quality" golf balls; $63,000 for crystal decanters for
employee awards; and $17,000 to hire referees and umpires for office
sports leagues. [St. Petersburg Times-AP, 10-18-94]
* In August, postal clerk Joannie McCaughey and three others were issued
formal reprimands by their supervisor in Cambridge, Mass., because they
had punched in for work at 8:59 a.m. for a 9 a.m. shift. "Future
deficiencies ... will result in more severe disciplinary action," read
the reprimand, "including suspension or removal from the Postal Service."
Said the supervisor, Michael Hannon, "It would become an abusive
situation" if every employee wanted to punch in one minute early every
day. [Wall Street Journal, 10-4-94]
* In October, the federal government reopened its large office building
in Binghamton, N. Y.--more than 13 years after it had been closed because
of a brief electrical fire in the basement. The 1981 fire spread the
chemicals dioxin and PCBs throughout the building, and the government went
on to spend $53 million in cleaning, then gutting and restoring the
inside, then cleaning it again, to pass environmental inspection. The
building cost $17 million to build in the first place. [N. Y. Times,
10-11-94]
* In July, the government of Switzerland announced that its Value-Added
Tax would apply to sales by prostitutes and that beginning in 1995,
customers should be supplied itemized receipts showing the 6.5 percent
tax. [San Francisco Examiner, 8-1-94]
THE WEIRDO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY
* In March, Hollywood, Fla., police charged Brenda Persing, 34, with two
counts of child abuse when they found the stay-at-home mother's house
filled with "years' worth" of rotting garbage, as well as dog feces and
used tampons, and her refrigerator full of roaches. According to police,
Persing admitted she was just too lazy to clean. [Miami Herald, 3-24-94,
3-27-94]
MISCELLANEOUS ELOQUENCE
* Frederick Treesh, 30, one of three men accused of being the gang of
"spree killers" that terrorized the Great Lakes states this summer (as
allegedly told to a police officer): "Other than the two we killed, the
two we wounded, the woman we pistol-whipped, and the light bulbs we stuck
in people's mouths, we didn't really hurt anybody." [Newsweek, 9-19-94]
Copyright 1995, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved.
Released for the entertainment of readers. No commercial use may
be made of the material, or of the name "News of the Weird."
