[651] in Humor
HUMOR: Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Jan 9 19:01:39 1995
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 09 Jan 1995 18:58:36 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 9 Jan 95 09:43:54 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Haven't you always just wanted to holler these things at the
characters? Another one is "The camera just pulled in for a
side-angle head shot! There must be someone behind you!"
From: jeff.snyder@octel.com
=========================
A HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER'S SURVIVAL GUIDE
* When it seems that you have killed the monster, *never* check
to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia
or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will
save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it
alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you
value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure
you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also
note that, although you are running and the monster
is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
device made from deceased companions.
* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you
could ever hope to be.
