[635] in Humor
HUMOR (classic): The history of the world
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Dec 22 09:51:39 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 1994 09:47:58 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN@aries.colorado.edu>
...
Date: Tue, 20 Dec 1994 13:48:20 -0800 (PST)
From: Rebecca Diamond <next@rain.org>
Subject: STORY (fwd)
With my own mailbox, comes my own junk mail. This is an oldie, reworked,
but ever good for a hearty chuckle...
Love to you all,
Bec
Compiled by Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher
is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.
I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from
certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers through-
out the United States, from eighth grade through college level.
Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
***************
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
---------------------------------------
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham
to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons
to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread with straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where the make unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500
porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had
myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles
appears in "The Iliad" by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity," in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that
name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extin-
guished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed
him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel
tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to
them.
