[620] in Humor
HUMOR: Short bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Sat Dec 17 20:51:27 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 20:48:53 EST
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 94 12:59:54 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: "- David Mellor" <davidmellor@mail.neurondata.com>
Subject: Season's Greetings from Zippy and Jean-Paul Sartre
Zippy: Here's your present Mr. Sartre! I got it on sale!
Sartre: I will open it... but I tell you in advance that it disgusts
me.
[Opens present; gazes down at his hands cupping the air]
Oh, Zippy! Nothingness! You shouldn't have!
Zippy: I didn't!
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From: Sam Guckenheimer <73204.2435@compuserve.com>
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
absolutely perfect future.
-- Amrom Katz
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My only complaint about having a father in fashion is
that every time I'm about to go to bed with a guy I
have to look at my dad's name all over his underwear.
Marci Klein, daughter of Calvin Klein.
Submitted by: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Dave Hendrickson <hendrick@hpanlv.an.hp.com>
Oct. 15, 1994
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Signs posted in a flying school:
"Time spent flying is not deducted from your lifespan."
"Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man--landing is the first."
- -----------------------------------------
From: neuhold@dke.univie.ac.at (Karin Neuhold)
From: Evelyne Pichler <pichler@edvvie.edvg.co.at>
The L.A. Times reported a few days ago that the New York Times ran a
story about the space shuttle landing in California. The headline
was "Shuttle Returns to Earth After Detour in California."
People have suspected that California was not part of the Earth for
years. Now it is official.
- -----------------------------------------
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
From: pug@MIT.EDU (Sharalee M. Field)
This older man was telling some friends of his at work that he was going to
take a long weekend and just stay at a motel to get away from some stress
for awhile. His friends asked him if he really was going to meet a woman
but he denied it.
On the weekend he was gone, his friends arranged for a prostitute to go to
his motel room...she knocked on the door and he answered it.
She said, "Hi, my name is Sherry and I'm here to give you super sex."
He said. "Thanks. I'll take the soup."
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Not for publication to the animal rights folks:
A blind guy and his guide dog walk into a grocery store. They walk to
the middle of the store and the blind guy picks the dog up by the tail
an starts spinning him around. The clerk comes over and says, "Sir, can
I help you?" And the blind guy says, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."
;-)
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From: Kathy Lau <kathode@grace.rt.cs.boeing.com>
London, England:
The Bad Sex Prize, a British award for the worst description of sex in a
novel, was awarded to a director of the auction firm Sotheby's.
Philip Hook fought off stiff competition from best-selling novelist Jilly
Cooper and conservative politician Edwina Currie, runner-up for her novel
"A Parliamentary Affair".
The passage of Hook's book "The Stonebreakers" that clinched his victory
included the lines: "Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication.
Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of
clothing."
The magazine The Literary Review awarded the prize.
Here an anomymous entry:
Oh no, said the nearsighted virgin as she reached for what she thought was
a towel rack in the sauna as she sat next to a lustful carpenter who had
the right tool for the job.
- -----------------------------------------
From: XpnsivWino@aol.com
Subject: Permission to initial, sir?
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all
assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their
compliance.
I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it
came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not
permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee.
Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
I did.
