[590] in Humor
HUMOR: How the Gringrich Stole Congress
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Dec 5 20:52:12 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 05 Dec 1994 20:40:32 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 5 Dec 94 10:16:13 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: How the Gringrich Stole Congress
From MANY sources (and thanks to all who sent it to me :).
> How the Gringrich Stole Congress
>
> Every Who
> Down in Whoville
> Liked Elections a lot . . .
>
> But Newt Gingrinch,
> Who lived on Mount Gridlock,
> Did NOT!
>
> The Gingrinch loathed voting, the whole campaign season!
> Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
> It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
> It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
> But I think that the most likely reason of all,
> May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
>
> But whatever the reason,
> His brain or his shoes,
> He stood there Election Eve , hating the Whos,
> Staring down from Mount Gridlock with a Gingrinchy frown,
> At the candidates stumping below in their town.
> For he knew every Who who was thinking that night,
> Would cast their votes wisely--against the far right.
>
> ``And they're worried about issues!'' he snarled with a sneer,
> ``Tomorrow's the election! It's practically here!''
> And the gears in his head began frantically spinning,
> ``I MUST find a way to keep liberals from winning!''
>
> For tomorrow, he knew all the Whos in the know,
> Would vote for the DemoWhos all in a row,
> For Wofford and Foley, Feinstein and Cuomo.
>
> Then the DemoWho Congress would do what he'd hate,
> Come up with new programs, and then legislate!
> Healthcare and gun bans they'd gladly create,
> But such progress the Gingrinch would only berate.
>
> And THEN they'd do something
> He liked least of all!
> Every DemoWho in Congress, the tall and the small,
> Would stand close together, and say with one voice,
> ``We're for women's rights and we're also pro-choice!''
>
> They'd work! And they'd work!
> AND they'd WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!
> And the more that the Gingrinch thought, with a smirk,
> The more that he thought, ``I must STOP their hard work!
> ``Why since Who-sevelt's years I've put up with it now!
> ``I MUST stop the liberals from winning!
> . . . But HOW?''
>
> Then he got an idea!
> An AWFUL idea!
> The Newt
> got a HORRIBLE, AWFUL idea!
>
> ``I know just what to do!'' Gingrinch laughed in his throat.
> ``I'll make empty vows in return for their vote.''
> And he chuckled, and clucked, ``I've got a great con.
> ``With these lies we'll pay homage to President Ron!''
>
> ``All I need is a gimmick . . .''
> The Newt looked around.
> But since ideas are scarce, there were none to be found.
> Did that stop the old Gingrinch
> >From finding a scheme . . . ?
> Of course not, he had the Republican team.
> So he called Mr. Dole, and he eagerly said,
> ``I need to make use of your sly, sneaky head.''
>
> Then they made up a plan,
> That was terribly Dole-y,
> To unseat the speaker,
> Congressman Foley.
>
> And they wrote up a contract.
> They did it that day,
> And they chortled and laughed,
> ``All the liberals must pay.''
>
> As the Gingrinch and Dole formulated their schemes,
> Based on trickle down theories and far right extremes,
> The DemoWhos, calmly, were dreaming their dreams.
> First Gingrinch and Dole, with a gleam in their eyes,
> About Clinton's record, told many lies.
>
> Then they told of the programs they'd gleefully pinch,
> Who better to do this than Mr. Gingrinch?
> They got stuck only once, on the issue of ketchup,
> So they got on the phone and they called Orrin Hatch up.
> Then both of them sunk to a terrible low.
> ``Entitlements,'' they grinned, ``are the first things to go!''
>
> Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant,
> Obnoxiously trashing the left, past and present!
> ``With Huffington, Romney, North and Santorum,
> ``We're sure that the left cannot help but deplore 'em!''
> With ads so misleading they're practically criminal,
> ``We'll use our PAC money for commercials subliminal!''
>
> ``We'll bombard them with TV, and a racist disc-jockey!
> ``Who supports Chuck Haytaian and dark-horse Pataki.
> ``We'll support Ollie North, and Dewine over Hyatt,
> ``And with all of his cash, we'll have Huffington buy it!''
>
> ``When we win, we'll control each and every committee,
> ``To be sure funds are sent to nary a city!
> ``And Alfonse D'amato,'' (the dork from New York),
> ``can continue to rant about Bill Clinton's pork!''
>
> ``Against Feinstein and Boxer's ardent protesting,
> ``Senator Packwood can keep on molesting!''
> By the twisted up logic of Jesse and Strom,
> ``With gays in the army, we lost Vietnam!''
>
> ``A lineup like this is Clinton's worst fear,''
> said Gingrinch to Dole, with a dastardly sneer.
>
> ``Taxes, the wealthy should not have to pay,''
> the maniacal duo was eager to say.
> ``And when Congress is ours, we'll have prayer in the schools,''
> Muttered Dole to the Newt, ``Disregard liberal fools!''
>
> The plan was enacted,
> The ballots were cast,
> The sham made the voters return to the past.
>
> The Gingrinch was gleeful, and Dole started gloating,
> before all the Whos had completed their voting.
> ``We now have a mandate!'' they said with a laugh,
> Even though, of the votes, they received only half.
>
> With snickering Newt in the role of the Speaker,
> The prospects for changes have never been bleaker.
> ``The plans that we've outlined, we won't be revising,''
> said Gingrinch, ``We simply ABHOR compromising!''
>
> ____________________________________________
>
> The day of this scary Republican showing,
> We started to notice Newt's head slowly growing,
> Though now we can say, as you may have inferred,
> His brain started shrinking that day, so we've heard.
>
> Though the Whos may be worried and shaking in fear,
> >From the dastardly changes that soon may be here,
> The way Whos can solve this is really a cinch,
> In '96 vote against cynic Gingrinch!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed here are not necessarily the
> opinions of Dr. Seuss, or those with an interest in his estate, or
> anyone related to him, or anyone he met only once on a crowded train
> traveling from New York to Chicago, or his former next-door-neighbor's
> dog Max. Some stanzas of the preceding work were directly stolen from
> Dr. Seuss' classic work, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," without the
> permission, expressed or implied, of Theodor or Audrey Geisel, or
> Random House, Inc. This work was created solely for the amusement of
> the authors and should not be copied, distributed or otherwise
> duplicated by any means (electronic or telepathic included) without
> the expressed written consent of whoever owns the copyright to the
> book the authors plagiarized to create this masterpiece. Any evidence
> to the contrary should be construed as purely accidental and not the
> intent of the authors (who, by the way, receive no monetary benefit
> for having written the poem, but had to pay an overpriced lawyer for
> this disclaimer) . The authors accept no responsibility for any
> nightmares or other psychological problems caused by reading this work
> to liberals already suffering from Post Election Stress Disorder.
