[578] in Humor
HUMOR: First Santa, now Jesus on the net...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Nov 30 11:45:44 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 11:40:34 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 11:33:42 -0500 (EST)
From: Steve Berczuk <berczuk@space.mit.edu>
From: Royce Buehler <buehler@sybil>
Subject: Computer confessional gives direct ``line to Jesus'' - clari.living.bizarre #714
In article <XRgermany-confessionURcc7_4NS@clarinet.com>, C-reuters@clarinet.com (Reuter / Susanne Frank) writes:
> BONN, Germany (Reuter) - Are you a Roman Catholic nervous
> about confessing your sins to a priest?
> A German computer jock may have the answer: bare your soul
> to a computer with a new program called ``Online with Jesus.''
> Just like a priest, the computer takes sinners step-by-step
> through preliminary prayers, questions them on their misdeeds
> and deals out their penance.
> The only thing the computer can't do is absolve people of
> their sins at the end of confession.
> ``The computer can't replace a priest in the flesh and
> blood,'' said Hartmut Landwehr, the program's creator.
> Landwehr is quick to deny he has any dark plans to to make
> priests redundant or challenge their right to hear confessions,
> one of the Catholic Church's sacraments.
> ``I see it more as a preparation and a means for personal
> soul searching,'' he told Reuters.
> Seated before a full-color computer screen in the comfort of
> his own home, the sinner is told to prepare for confession by
> making the sign of the cross.
> For those out of practice, a cross appears on the screen
> with numbers from one to four to make sure they bless themselves
> in the right sequence -- forehead, chest, left shoulder, right
> shoulder.
> The program then provides texts for several preparatory
> prayers, all accompanied by pictures of the Crucifixion.
> Just like in a darkened confessional, the sinner is asked
> when he last went to confession, whether he did his penance and
> whether he tried to avoid committing new sins in the meantime.
> A catalog of sins then appears, some of which the Vatican
> probably never thought of before.
> They include: ``I failed to pray for my boss,'' or ``I
> copied a computer program without permission.''
> Landwehr, who runs a computer company in Duesseldorf, is
> quick to jump to his own defense.
> ``All this might seem blasphemous but it's not,'' he says.
> ``Through my program, Christians who would normally never set
> foot in church can look into their souls.''
> Landwehr's computer-age arguments are lost on the
> conservative-minded Catholic Church.
> ``It's a joke,'' said Ernst Werner, spokesman for the German
> Bishops' Conference. ``A machine can't replace a priest.''
> At the end of the electronic confession, the program
> calculates the sinner's penance according to points scored for
> each sin.
> The sinner is ordered to say prayers like the Hail Mary or
> the Our Father as many times as the computer reckons he needs to
> make good his transgressions.
> Conveniently, the forgetful can click on a window to call up
> the full text of the prayers.
> Undaunted by derision from church officials, Landwehr is
> bubbling with ideas to expand his computer program.
> ``Perhaps the confessions could be sent direct to the
> Vatican by fax,'' he says. ``Or I could send copies of the
> program to Rome to be blessed by the Pope.''
> Werner wastes no time in blasting Landwehr's ideas.
> ``We may be talking within the Church about a renewal of the
> practice of confession,'' he said. ``But there's no way in the
> future that believers will sit in front of a screen and make
> priests superfluous.''
