[570] in Humor
HUMOR (Classic): Real Programmers
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Nov 29 13:55:06 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 1994 13:49:21 EST
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 94 12:43:37 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: rossix!rwc.dnet!apdma@openlink.openlink.com (Mary Ann Anthony)
Subject: Real Programmers
From: ROSSIX::"fwb@scruz.net" 22-NOV-1994 02:06:53.40
CC:
Subj: Real Programmers
Real programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to read.
Real programmers don't write application programs, they program right
down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't
do systems programming.
Real programmers don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know
how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching
Szechwan food.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
much it did for them.
Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a
hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you
throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in only a
few 30-hour long debugging sessions.
Real programmers don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who
wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies.
They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor
simulation.
Real programmers don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application
programmers.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around
at 9 am, it's because they were up all night.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC, after the age of 12.
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object deck.
Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any of
those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people
with weak memories.
Real programmers know better than the users what they need.
Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.
Real programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's
toadies. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.
Real programmers think better when playing adventure.
Real programmers don't use PL/I. PL/I is for insecure momma's boys who
can't choose between COBOL and Fortran.
Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written
on one line.
Real programmers don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more
parentheses than actual code.
Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who
wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise
uncluttered desk.
Real programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course, they are the Chief Programmer.
Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary
evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners and other mental defectives.
Real programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs,
Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are
highly regarded.
Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up
schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to
meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.
They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of
popping.
Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them
all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute
instructions to address another execute as the target instruction.
Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.
Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending
machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it,
they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
