[568] in Humor
HUMOR: The Dating Dilemma
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Nov 29 13:49:37 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 29 Nov 1994 13:43:21 EST
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 94 12:36:40 PST
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: The Dating Dilemma
From: connie.davis@amail.amdahl.com
Here we go again. In keeping with the People-Who-Date-Too-Much theme we have
this little gem from the Oracle Wizard. Enjoy! ;-)
******************************************************
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Does she really love me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There are many classic methods for determining this, such as the "She
} loves me, she loves me not ..." test, though there is a growing volume
} of scientific evidence to suggest this method is inaccurate about 45% of
} the time.
}
} However, there is indeed a more accurate method, here it is, the
}
} "Great Usenet Oracle's Does She Love Me Test".
}
} This test normally retails for $20.00 but as you're the first person to
} try it, I'll let you have a discount.
}
} Just try and enact the situations, note her response, and add up the
} points.
}
} 1) You suggest going 'somewhere special' for an evening, she spends two
} hours putting on make-up and selecting a *stunning* dress to wear. The
} 'somewhere special' turns out to be a local greasy burger bar. Does she:
}
} a) Think it's a hilarious joke, and enjoy her burger. (10 points)
} b) Eat her burger in silence and not speak to you for the rest
} of the evening (6 points)
} c) Throw the burger in your face, and take the taxi home. (3 points)
} d) Go and get the burger for you, wait until you've eaten yours,
} and then tell you she bribed the kitchen staff to put rat poison
} in it. (0 points)
}
} 2) She has been away for two weeks when she comes back you meet her,
} when she asks "Have you missed me?", you answer "I noticed your
} absence". Does she:
}
} a) Laugh at the joke and insist on going straight to bed in order
} to catch up for the last two weeks. (10 points)
} b) Look annoyed, and pretend to ignore it. (6 points)
} c) Slap you round the face and take a taxi home. (4 points)
} d) Knee you in the groin so hard that you pass out with the pain.
} (0 points)
}
} 3) You come home from a hard days work, the socks you have been wearing
} for two weeks are getting a bit crunchy, you take them off and throw
} them at the wall, one of them sticks. Does she:
}
} a) Lovingly pick up the socks, inhale the odour, and declares that
} they are a great monument to your manlyness. (10 points)
} b) Pick them up and put them in a washing basket, to be washed
} and ironed by her later. (7 points)
} c) She picks them up (with tongs) and throws them in the bin.
} (2 points)
} d) Calls you a "smelly pig" and throws both the socks and you
} out. (0 points)
}
} 4) You have taken the afternoon off work to fix your car, when she gets
} home she notices you have torn up one of her nicest dresses to clean the
} carburetor with. You explain the importance of using silk to clean out
} the delicate parts. Does she:
}
} a) Say that you should have used her grandmothers antique wedding
} dress instead, given how important it is. (10 points)
} b) Go in the house, slam the door, but forgive you later. (7 points)
} c) Demand you buy her a new dress and threaten to call a lawyer
} if you don't. (4 points)
} d) Remove the petrol cap, stuff he remnants of the dress in and
} put a match to it. (0 points)
}
}
} 5) You go out for the evening with the 'lads' (without mentioning it to
} her) and when you get home at 1am drunk and stinking of beer. Is she:
}
} a) Lying in bed, naked, waiting for you to come home and make love
} to her, she is so lustful she doesn't care where you've been.
} (10 points)
} b) Asleep. (5 points)
} c) Waiting for you to come in, and then screams at you for being
} late. The usual "Where have you been ? " etc etc. (3 points)
} d) Lying in bed, naked, with someone else. (0 points)
}
}
} SCORING
} 0-9 points
} I think you're onto a loser here, dump her, and look for someone
} more 'understanding'
} 10-19 points
} Not a complete disaster, but fairly close.
} 20-29 points
} A reasonable compromise, she might improve given time and
} 'training'.
} 30-39 points
} I think on balance, she does love you.
} 40-49 points
} Almost the perfect relationship. She does love you. You will make
} a wonderful couple.
} 50 points
} You must have made an error and mistaken your woman for Lisa.
}
} You owe the oracle $19.95 for this test.
