[542] in Humor
Fwd: Can you help me....
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Timothy J Showalter)
Mon Nov 14 11:13:50 1994
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 09:33:29 -0500 (EST)
From: Timothy J Showalter <ts4z+@andrew.cmu.edu>
To: hennends@dlu.edu, humor@MIT.EDU
Cc:
This was forwarded to me from one of the CMU "graffiti" bboards, meaning
it's student-created and generally unruly.
But interesting.
And this seems like a worthy waste of bandwidth:
---------- Forwarded message begins here ----------
Date: Thu, 13 Oct 1994 21:39:29 -0400 (EDT)
From: Tony A Rippy <tr2n+@andrew.cmu.edu>
To: Bulletin Board Administration <bb+graffiti.pc.windows@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Re: Can you help me....
Dear Alcolyte Doug,
I see you fail to bask in the divine glory of the holy Reverend Lyren.
Blasphemy, you fucking heretic. Lyren has spoken. Turn thine ears to
heaven and recieve his infinite wisdom. And grovel. Lots.
As for your Windows questions, I have the solution. What you have here
is a setup problem. Actual quote from Microsoft phone-line help idiot:
"All problems can be solved with the correct setup files." We won't even
start on that. What you probably are doing is running Windows in
Standard mode. Since you have a awesome computer, it MIGHT support the
super powerful '386 Enhanced' mode. I don't know, becuase P5 doesn't
have a '86 anywhere in it's name.
As for running slow, you should be ashamed. Windows is SECRETLY the
most awsome and powerful software package on earth. First of all, the
windows are all simulated in true-color in an n-space geometric realtime
graphics system and simply projects a 2-d image for you. Beyond that,
Windows actually BOOSTS performace, even though you may not know it. The
software engineers at Microsoft figured that if ONE processor was good,
more would be better. What the kernel is ACTUALLY doing is simulating 10
DEC Alphas running in parallel all inside your memory banks. This is
your computing power at work for you. Haven't you ever noticed how fast
the double-click is???
As for the disk space, perhaps you obviously haven't noticed the swap
file. The box sez you only need 2 MB memory, but 2 gig is recomended. If
the entire disk is taken up by a swap file, then all your programs run
straight from memory! Everybody knows that's faster.
If that wasn't enough, I bet you didn't know that Windows is dynamic.
That's right, it contains two of the most sophisticated AI programs to
date. USER.EXE is a program designed to challenge and entertain the user
with those qirky bugs and random error messages. It detects when the
user's frustration level is high, and then relieves his stress with a
"violation of system integrety. please reboot." message to brighten his
day. Also, KERNEL.EXE is another AI program that constanly rewrites the
Windows code itself every five seconds. That's why, if you've ever
programmed windows, that function calls never quite do the same thing
twice. It gives Windows that extra spark, and I don't mean that one that
comes from the monitor when there's a bug in the video driver.
It's time you start appreciating what raw power Windows brings to your
system. Plus it comes with Minesweeper. Be thankful.
Tony Rippy
---
[} TIM SHOWALTER {]
breakout+@cmu.edu
