[531] in Humor
HUMOR: (fwd) how to argue effectively
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (clineja@MIT.EDU)
Wed Nov 9 15:27:21 1994
From: clineja@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 9 Nov 94 15:22:45 -0500
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Disclaimer: No offence towards Peruvians intended.
Do not try this while riding a bicycle.
--- Forwarded Message from Sandra Lynn Gramman
<gramman@coral.bucknell.edu>---
> I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
> argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
> steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
> respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments.
> Simply follow these rules:
>
> * Drink Liquor. (JD)
>
> Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
> on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're
> drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
> back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot entralls
> your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels,
> you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.
> You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering
> searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be
> impressed. Some may leave the room.
>
> * Make things up.
>
> Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
> Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
> YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch
> of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
> underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
> adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
> $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
>
> NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
>
> If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up,
> too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for
> the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?"
> Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your
> soiled underwear in my bath house."
>
> * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
>
> Memorize this list:
>
> Let me put it this way
> In terms of
> Vis-a-vis
> Per se
> As it were
> Qua
> So to speak
> well, any-who
>
> You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
> "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
> not."
>
> Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to
> say:
>
> "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
> have enough money."
>
> You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you
> say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
> Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so
> to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were.
> Q.E.D."
>
> Only a fool would challenge that statement.
>
> * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
>
> You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back
> at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
>
> You're begging the question.
> You're being defensive.
> Don't compare apples and oranges.
> What are your parameters?
>
> This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than
> mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
>
> Here's how to use your comebacks:
>
> You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
> Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
> You say You're begging the question.
>
> OR
>
> You say Liberians, like most Asians...
> Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
> You say You're being defensive.
>
>
> * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
>
> This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
> right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
> "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or
> "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
>
> You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this
> on people who generally carry weapons.
