[517] in Humor
HUMOR: Sure, Flying is ... DUCK! ... Safe
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Oct 28 09:11:47 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 28 Oct 1994 09:08:14 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Thu, 27 Oct 94 15:40:23 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Sure, Flying is ... DUCK! ... Safe
DAVE BARRY (April 15, 1989)
As the spokesperson for the airline industry, I wish to assure you, the
flying public, that there is nothing to be alarmed about. Nothing! Despite
the disturbing headlines you may have seen in the newspapers (PLANE CRASHES,
ANOTHER PLANE CRASHES, YOUR PLANE IS GOING TO CRASH, etc.) Statistics prove
that when you're riding in a commercial aircraft seven miles above the Earth's
surface, you're actually three times as safe as when you're riding in an
automobile seven miles above the Earth's surface!
Oh, sure, there have been problems. Don't think we haven't noticed that
large chunks of our airplanes have been falling off in midair. One minute the
pilot is telling the passengers on the left side of the aircraft that they can
see the Grand Canyon, and the next minute the left side of the aircraft is *in*
the Grand Canyon.
You will be relieved to hear that this is *not* industry policy. Our new
motto, in commercial aviation, is "Only Non-Essential Parts Should Fall Off
During Flight," and these proud words are backed by a long-term commitment from
whoever actually owns the airline industry this week. We think it's the Pizza
Hut corporation, although there are rumors that Mr. Lester ("The Bidet King")
Weeberhocker has purchased it as a graduation present for his daughter, Tami.
But the point is that the people at the top of the airline industry, whoever
they are, are committed to your safety, and this commitment extends right on
down to our dedicated workers, who...
LOOK OUT!
Sorry. Unfortunately, at the moment the airline industry is experiencing a
certain amount of labor unrest in the form of dedicated workers throwing heavy
objects through our windows. But we can assure you, the flying public, that...
HEY! THOSE ARE ENGINE PARTS THEY'RE THROWING! YOU WORKERS PUT THOSE BACK
WHERE YOU FOUND THEM RIGHT NOW!!
Excuse me. As I was saying, we can assure you flying public that you are
getting the safest airline service that is humanly possible given the fact that
we all hate each other's guts. Also, our airplanes are very old. Many of them
have whalebone fuselages. Oh, we do what we can. On those rare occasions when
no labor unrest is scheduled, we have maintenance workers thoroughly examine
the airplanes, and whenever they find a crack large enough for an infant to
fall through, they patch it with the hardest, most durable material known to
man: the airline omelet.
But frankly it's a losing battle, because these planes have been subjected
to decades of continuous vibration and pounding caused by the person who always
sits directly behind me and drums for the entire flight on his drop-down tray
table. You know who you are. Oh, you've tried to disguise yourself --
sometimes as a businessperson, sometimes as a child, once even as a priest --
but I know it's you, because there cannot be two people on this Earth with the
hand strength necessary to drum non-stop all the way from Los Angeles to New
York, even at 3:30 in the morning when everyone else on the plane is asleep,
including the pilot.
Fine. Go ahead and pound on our decaying airplanes. Go ahead and leave
your gum wads on our seats. But would you mind at least following some simple
instructions? Would that be too much trouble for you, the flying public?
Specifically, when we load the plane, we do it by row number, starting at the
back, because anyone with the IQ of suet can grasp that this is the most effi-
cient way, right? Wrong! The flying public *cannot* grasp this. When we make
our "pre-boarding" announcement, which we clearly state is *only* for people
who have small children or need special assistance, all of a sudden it is the
Oklahoma Land Rush, as hundreds of adult passengers -- most of them (you know
who you are) healthy enough to play linebacker for the Chicago Bears -- barge
onto the airplane and block the aisles for days at a time while they stuff the
overhead storage compartments with their suitcases, steamer trunks, major
appliances, lawn furniture, etc. One day, just for a prank, we're going to
make the "pre-bording" announcement before the plane is actually at the gate,
and then we're going to stand around swigging liquor from those little airline
bottles while all you Oklahoma Sooners, clutching your "carry-on" luggage, go
hurtling off the end of the gangway HAHAHAHAHA.
Whew! I feel a lot better now, don't you? In fact, I'd like to continue
reassuring you about the airline industry, but right now I have to attend a
meeting with our new owner, Miss Tami Weeberhocker, who has this nifty idea for
saving money by reducing the number of costly whadyacallems per plane. Wings.
