[508] in Humor
HUMOR: Recent Short Bits
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Oct 21 17:09:08 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 21 Oct 1994 16:41:42 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 21 Oct 94 13:01:57 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
From: scott_schroeder@ins.com (Scott Schroeder)
Short, but so sweet! -Scott
From: Ron_Ozarka@uni.ins.com (Ron Ozarka)
One fine stardate, Picard and Data beamed down to present day Earth. They
found a machine.
Data: This machine has a stylus that pulls a cotton filament through woven
material in order to attach two pieces together.
Picard: Does it work?
Data: No, but I think I can fix it.
Picard: Make it sew.
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"Marriage is made in heaven; but then, so is lightning and thunder."
- ---------------------------------------
A Dog Story
A concerned dog owner whose dog became stuck with another when mating
one evening called her neighbor about them. "Throw a bucket of cold
water on them," was the response. The dog owner promptly did this, but
with no success. Concerned for her pet, she telephoned the local
veterinarian, even though it was rather late. "Give them a telephone
call," he said. "Will that do the trick?" asked the dog owner. He
replied, "It worked for me!"
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From maxwellh@autodesk.com
Author: Mark Schmieder <mhs@tintin.autodesk.com> at smtpcc
From: sybase!davidvc@sun.com (David Van Couvering)
From Herb Caen. Supposedly a true story.
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight
with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came
and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do
an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir
employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you
have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and
still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original
seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, ``Excuse me,
are you Gay?''
The man, somewhat stunned, said, ``Well, yes, as a matter of fact I
am!''
The flight attendent said, ``I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the
plane.''
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
said, ``Excuse me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!''
Finally, another man jumped up and said, ``Well, hell, I'm gay too!
They can't throw us all off!''
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From: davel@cisco.com (David Liebreich)
From: pbfriedm@us.oracle.com (Perry Friedman)
Newsgroups: misc.invest.stocks
Subject: Apple buyout is REAL!
Don't sell all that stock yet!
This just came in over the wire.
______________________________________________________________________
New York - AP Wire Services : In a move that astonished Wall St., Apple
Computer, Inc., the Cupertino based computer maker, was bought outright
by Snapple Beverages Co. The first new look at the Power Kiwi
Strawberry PC and Performa Diet Peach Flavored Ice Tea brought oooooos
and ahhhhhhhhhhhs from investors everywhere. The company's new slogan
reads: "The power to be some of the best stuff on earth." The new
company logo is the famed colored striped apple in front of the
background of the Boston Tea Party. The new company's name is now
Snapple Computer.
- ---------------------------------------
From: Thomas Guenther/HQ/3Com
>From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991:
Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential
enemy cannot determine what you're about to do.
Pizza Intelligence: An Update
Earlier this year [1991], we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it
can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of
major activity based upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the
Pentagon and the White House. Pizza orders increased substantially
just prior to troop deployments to Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the
early hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's
"Pizza Meter" registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon,
breaking the Gulf War record by one; the White House
ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There
were only two orders, and they were quickly cancelled.
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The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means
the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his name to the ASCII-values
(which are used in computers) you will get the following:
B I L L G A T E S 3
66 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666
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From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
From: Kaye-Ailsa Rowan
I'M DYSFUNCTIONAL, YOU'RE DYSFUNCTIONAL
This month the _Nose_ magazine provides a participatory exercise in the
mass-marketing of neurosis. In a slightly different take on self-help
books and daily meditations, here are a few aphorisms listed in the _Daily
Denegration_:
- I am no more significant than the person sitting next to me on the bus.
- When I feel empowered, I try to remember that someday I too will grow
old and die.
- Today, I will rejoice in my own existence by being curt and surly.
- Addictive behaviour provides me with a sense of permanence; each
cigarette represnts another segment on the karmic wheel.
(Quoted in the _Ottawa Citizen_ newspaper, August 13, 1994)
Submitted by: Della Kirkham <dkirkham@ccs.carleton.ca>
Sep. 3, 1994
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From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Not one shred of evidence exists that life is serious.
-- Joseph Campbell
Submitted by: stagmier@ntmtv.com
Sep. 7, 1994
--------------------------------------------------------------
Send quotes to qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Send list changes or requests to qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca
- ---------------------------------------
From: Rochelle Grober <rocky@cadence.com>
>From Sue Swackhammer (Cadence techwriter):
| I didn't make this up.
|
| Sentences should contain less than 23 words (all words count).
- ---------------------------------------
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN%ARIES@VAXF.Colorado.EDU>
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
I think we should adjourn now ... the country is safer when
we're not in session.
-- Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA) on C-SPAN
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From: howeird@chaos.UB.com (howeird)
>From: jkr@netcom.com (Katherine Rossner)
>
>Dear Friend:
>
> This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of
>bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most
>chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up
>your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name
>appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom
>of the list and send a copy of this letter to five of your friends.
>
> When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive
>3,125 men - and some of them are bound to be better than the one
>you gave up!
>
> DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One woman did and got her own man
>back!
>
> At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184
>men. They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers
>36 hours to get the smile off her face.
>
> WE'RE COUNTING ON YOU!
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From: beyries@csisdn.com (Mike Beyries)
From: ferry (Gregg Ferry)
Subject: Statistics 101
A statistician was afraid of flying due to the possibility of
terrorists planting a bomb on the flight. The odds against it were
high, about 4 million to one against, but not high enough to make him
comfortable. Then he calculated the odds against there being *two*
bombs on board as being over 14 trillion to one against, a much more
comfortable number, so he flew, but always took a bomb along...
- ---------------------------------------
From kate_payne@taligent.com
>From: jje@dcs.ed.ac.uk (Julyan Elbro)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan
IQ Test
Two guys are sitting in a bar, and get talking.
"What's you IQ?" one asks.
"169" is the reply.
"Wow, amazing --- my IQ's 172. What're your ideas on Hawkings latest work on
superstring theory?"
And the two get chatting and become lifelong friends.
Further down the bar, two other guys are comparing IQs.
"Mine's 104"
"Gosh, mine's 102. What do you think about the latest Cub's game?"
And the two become lifelong friends.
Even further down the bar, two other guys are also comparing IQs.
"Mine's 53."
"Wow! Mine's 54. Do you use emacs or vi?"
- ---------------------------------------
From: rocky@cadence.com (Rochelle Grober)
>From stevek@cds609.Cadence.COM
Hollywood, California:
"The Little League World Series has started...It's just
like the major-league World Series, except the players
are smaller and more mature."
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