[44] in Humor
HUMOR: Words R Us
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Jan 31 13:16:09 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 94 13:12:52 EST
To: humor@MIT.EDU
WORDS R US
by Dave Barry
It's time once again for Ask Mister Language Person, the
award-winning column by the world's foremost leading word expert,
who was recently chosen Official Grammarian of the U.S. Olympic
Ski Team (motto: "Hopefully, Nobody Will Break Their Leg").
Our first grammar question comes from reader Martha Booth,
who writes: "I heard on NPR that President Clinton and Pope John
Paul II met and exchanged a few words. Do you happen to know which
ones they exchanged? And can you please tell me what is sometimes
seen hanging off the bottom of the 'c' in the word 'facade'?"
A. Scientists believe it is a parasite. As regards the
word exchange: Clinton gave the pope a handsome matched set of
"parameters," and in return received the traditional papal
"Quod Sic Et Cetera Pluribus Per Annum."
Q. What does that mean?
A. "There is a bologna in my carburetor."
Q. According to a Tampa Tribune article sent in by Dorothy
Ladd, what did University of Florida Associate Athletic Director
Greg McGarity say about allegations of abusive fan behavior at UF
football games?
A. He said: "In no way are we turning a deaf shoulder."
Q. What is the correct wording to use when responding to a
formal invitation to dine at Buckingham Palace with Queen
Elizabeth?
A. The correct wording is: "Your Majesty is darned
tooting that yours truly shall be honoured to put on the feed bag
with Your Royal Highness."
Q. Please describe the photograph on the front page of the
Oct. 6, 1993, issue of The Monona Billboard ("Official Newspaper
of Clayton County & Monona, Farmersburg & Luana, Iowa").
A. Certainly. It shows two senior citizens using a knife
to slice a large cheese at the annual Germanfest. Just below this
photograph, in large letters, it says ...
Q. No, you're not going to tell me ...
A. Yes. It says: "CUTTING THE CHEESE."
Q. Please explain the statement: "I can't seem to find my
car keys."
A. This statement means that the person can FIND his car
keys, but he cannot SEEM to find them.
Q. Please review the basic purpose of the apostrophe.
A. The apostrophe is used primarily as a punctuation mark
in certain Lesley Gore songs, such as "Judy's Turn to Cry,"
where the apostrophe and the "s" indicate that "Judy" is
possessive, which is why she tried to steal Lesley Gore's
boyfriend, "Johnny," away.
Q. What is the best verse in that song?
A. The one wherein Lesley saw Judy and Johnny kissing at a
party, so, to make Johnny jealous, she (Lesley) kissed another
guy, and then:
"Johnny jumped up and he hit him
'Cause he still loved me, that's why."
Q. What an attractive couple.
A. Yes.
Q. Speaking of song lyrics: In "Wooly Bully," by Sam the
Sham and the Pharaohs, Sam the Sham sings: "Let's not be L-7s;
come on and learn this dance." My question -- which has been
nagging me for YEARS -- is this: Is "Sam the Sham" his real
name?
A. No. His real name is "Howard A. Sputelman Jr. the
Sham."
Q. What is the purpose of the hyphen?
A. The hyphen is used to connect congestive nouns to their
precipitate adjutants, as we see in this example:
"That Zsa-Zsa is a weiner-head!"
The hyphen is also used at the end of a line when there is
not enough room to finish a word:
"Marsha moaned as Brad thrust his throb-uh-oh we're out
of room."
Q. Please quote a sentence from an Aug. 12, 1993, Dayton
Daily News report, sent in by Lou Copits, concerning the rescue of
a man who nearly drowned while attempting to swim across a river.
A. "Police said (the man) told them he had been playing a
game that involved banging his head against a wall when he decided
to swim across the river."
Q. What game is that?
A. Probably golf.
Q. According to Dale Stephens, what does the sign on the
main road into Bolivar, W. Va., say?
A. It says:
WELCOME TO BOLIVAR
PLEASE COME BACK
Q. Did Stephens also relate an anecdote concerning his
friend John Pharis?
A. Yes: One time Pharis saw his 3-year-old daughter
picking her nose and then sticking her finger into her mouth. He
told her, "You know, I don't think I'd want to put anything in my
mouth that came out of my nose." And she said: "You should try
it. It's good."
TODAY'S WRITING TIP: In writing an advertising slogan,
always go with your strongest "selling point."
WRONG: "Tastes like goat drool."
RIGHT: "Proud to be your Bud."
GOT A QUESTION FOR MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON? The answer is:
"No."
(C) 1994 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
